| F940 |
Oh |
| M942 |
Does anyone want a bit of rock? |
| M939 |
No but I'd like the ashtray. |
| F940 |
eh right dig in wi this. |
| M941 |
Can I have a bite of it?
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//You can have a bite of rock// |
| M941 |
No, the pink one. |
| F940 |
//Oh I mind them!// |
| M942 |
//[?]Why?[/?]// |
| F940 |
I didnae ken whit Edinburgh rock wis the now [laugh] till I
//seen it come oot the box// |
| M939 |
//Got this in a little candy store in Big W.// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//Uh-huh, should have seen, ah ye should have seen the girl in it though,//
//wi her, wi her very blunt fringe that was dyed like// |
| M939 |
//Oh aye [laugh]// |
| M942 |
blood red an her jet black long hair at the back
an up in a pony-tail [laugh]. |
| M939 |
She's got like a weird little pygmy face
//hasn't she?// |
| M942 |
//Aye she wis quite ugly.// |
| M941 |
Pink rock |
| F940 |
Nah, nah I'm awright, I dinnae think I was that fond ae it when I was wee. |
| M941 |
//Well taste it again.// |
| M942 |
//Try it.// |
| M941 |
pressed talcum powder
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//Mm that sounds delightful young [CENSORED: surname].// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
Flavoured wi strawberries oh!
Oops!
//[CENSORED: forename] breaks rock.// |
| M942 |
//Why don't you just have it all, you're bla- [laugh]//
you're blatantly gonna eat it all anyway, so why don't you just eat it? |
| M941 |
I don't know |
| F940 |
You're no supposed tae speak wi your mooth fu though.
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] So [CENSORED: forename], how was your day today? [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//It was very good, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
[laugh] |
| M941 |
Feel like I should speak like this so I sound more manly. |
| F940 |
uh-huh |
| M942 |
Ah don't be silly. |
| M941 |
You don't suck Edinburgh rock, you bite it. |
| M942 |
No you suck it and lick it soft first then, then ye, then ye chew it. |
| F940 |
//He's an Edinburgh lad so he kens.// |
| M939 |
//Is it no soft anyway?// |
| M941 |
No but it's |
| F940 |
//[inaudible] [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//It is soft enough to bite but [laugh] I'm going to open this// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
box or jar that's been here for
//fifteen years [laugh].// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] What, this old thing?//
//That's the dust gettin blown off the top o the jar, [laugh] for the listeners oot there [laugh].// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible] explaining that to the listeners.// |
| M942 |
//[blow] Nobody asks for a quarter of Edinburgh rock these days; it's all metric.//
Oh it doesn't go nice. |
| F940 |
What?
//Beer and rock.// |
| M942 |
//Beer and Edinburgh rock.// |
| M941 |
Okay, let's discuss something political so we sound
//intelligent.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
Ehm |
| F940 |
//You might lose us though.// |
| M942 |
//ow// |
| M941 |
//I know, the war in Iraq, oh isn't that terrible.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Shouldn't make light of situations that you don't understand.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
That's very true, I'm sorry. |
| F940 |
[laugh]
[laugh]
//[laugh] The, aw this is gonna seem like is just me cacklin for the whole// |
| M941 |
//This is why I couldn't be a radio D.J.// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//thing so// |
| M939 |
//[laugh] It will be.//
//Talk about the// |
| F940 |
//Let's no make [CENSORED: nickname] laugh.// |
| M939 |
George Galloway and cash for oil crisis.
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//What's that?//
//[inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//So tell me your understanding of it then [CENSORED: forename]?// |
| M939 |
Fuck knows [laugh].
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
I'm lost. Telt ye ye'd
//lose us// |
| M942 |
//It didn't//
give you a wee script in Zoo did it for
//this week? What to talk about down the pub.// |
| M939 |
//Naw it didnae, nuh [laugh] aye.//
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Zoo, a male magazine of the two thousands [laugh],// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Featuring naked ladies.// |
| F940 |
//naked ladies in abundance.// |
| M942 |
They're not naked, they're nude. |
| F940 |
An many motorbike crashes
//[laugh].// |
| M942 |
//Do you know the difference between naked and nude?// |
| M941 |
//No but you're gonna tell us even though you're talkin with your mouth full strictly against the rules of the SCOTS Corpus thing we're takin part in.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
Excuse me.
Ehm, nude I think is when they cover the nipples and the pubic area
but technically they're all, technically they are wearing nothing but are covering their nipples and their bits. |
| M941 |
But then how can you get a nude painting of someone when you can see their nipples?
//Do you know who we need// |
| M942 |
//I ha- have no understanding of that.// |
| M941 |
here to give us the answer to that, [CENSORED: forename], but unfortunately he's not in the room.
//Ah see.// |
| M942 |
//We'll ask him later,//
//mmhm// |
| F940 |
//That's when ye just need these kind o folk.//
So aye, onyweys, so tell everybody else aboot the [laugh] the, the midgie rakers [laugh]
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Right me and [CENSORED: forename] were down in Pizza Hut.//
//We we- was it that long?// |
| F940 |
//For an hour and ten minutes. Aye he telt us when we got in.// |
| M939 |
//mm, aye//
//It was// |
| M942 |
//Didnae feel that//
//long, but then again we were being shouted at and chatting up the guy behind the counter// |
| F940 |
//Nuh it didnae but that's cause [inaudible]//
//Eugh maybe no [laugh] maybe no, aye he was eugh.// |
| M942 |
//ehm [inaudible] eugh he was a greasy, lanky streak o piss.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
Ehm an we were sittin an, what was it? Did I come out wi it or did the guy come out wi it?
//This random, random guy// |
| F940 |
//No it was that that random guy,//
//[inaudible] cause you said, telt us what a grubber was first then he thought we were talkin aboot him.// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]. Aye, talkin about// |
| M941 |
//What's a grubber?// |
| M939 |
//What's a grubber?// |
| F940 |
Aye, exactly. |
| M942 |
//A grubber's somebody who eats a lot.// |
| M939 |
//A grubber// |
| M941 |
//Right// |
| M942 |
//I'm a grubber// |
| M941 |
//Oh are you, oh I don't want to be a grubber, that's awful.// |
| M939 |
//In rugby you get a grubber kick.//
//Aye.// |
| F940 |
//A grubber kick.//
//See.// |
| M941 |
//A grubber sounds like a little, little fat greasy//
//boy [laugh].// |
| F940 |
//I would have thought a grubber, I would have thought a grubber was what a midgie raker is, I would o said a grubber's somebody that s-// |
| M942 |
//Thank you [laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//skivvies aboot in bins.// |
| M942 |
//No cause I//
//was tellin [CENSORED: forename] what dicky meant the other day as well.// |
| M941 |
//That's a scaffy.// |
| M939 |
//Aye.//
//Which is just basically shit, isn't it?// |
| M941 |
//A scaff.// |
| F940 |
//Aye but if, I heard,//
//if I heard [inaudible].// |
| M942 |
//Well no it's, no, dicky just means it doesnae work, it's dodgy// |
| M939 |
//Aye, aye.//
//Shit [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//You can get a dicky heart.// |
| F940 |
//I never thought aboot that when he said it.// |
| M942 |
//Aye, ye get a di- or a dicky tummy, a dicky knee, ye can also have a dicky van.// |
| M939 |
//Aye, aye.//
//Aye, mmhm, aye.// |
| M941 |
//So what's a grubber? So what's a grubber?// |
| M942 |
//Cause you had the, the dicky van.// |
| F940 |
Well,
//in the Glasgow area a grubber is somebody that eats a lot but// |
| M942 |
//Right. Eats a lot.// |
| M939 |
//[cough]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//And was this man in Pizza Hut fat?// |
| F940 |
//if you, I think that's why he thought we were talkin about him.// |
| M942 |
//Yes.//
//Oh no he wasn't, he was just, he was a customer.// |
| M941 |
//He spat in your food, didn't he?// |
| F940 |
//But eh [laugh] no he wasn't workin there he was just makin an order,//
but eh an then he turned roond and says, "Well have ye ever", he gones, "Where are you frae?", an I was like, "Oh Scottish Borders", an eh he was goin, "Well do ye ken what a midgie raker is?"
an I went, "Somebody that gones fishin?"
//[laugh] An he goes. Aye!// |
| M941 |
//Is, the fat man said this to you,//
//and you were having friendly banter with him?// |
| F940 |
//An eh I goes, aye,// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
an then he go- an he, I said,
"Somebody that gones fishin?", an they were fair lookin at me an I was goin,
"How what is it?", an they were goin, "No it's somebody that rakes through bins", an I gones, "Well, in the Borders aw the midgies sit aroon water",
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//And I had to explain how we don't have small rivers in the big cities,//
//so aw the midgies hing aboot the bins.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
It makes sense when ye think aboot it like that.
//But I suppose. Because they'd be sittin at riverbanks an loads o midgies would be aboot their heid,// |
| M941 |
//How could a midgie raker be someone who fishes?// |
| M942 |
//So we're currently at midgie raker. In the midgies.// |
| M939 |
//ah// |
| F940 |
so they'd be rakin aboot wi the midgies.
//It makes sense [inaudible].// |
| M942 |
//It made a lot more sense at the time, cause even the guy was like, "No, but I understand where you're comin from",// |
| M939 |
//Aye// |
| M941 |
//Well// |
| M942 |
//an then we had the mad woman that shouted at us.// |
| M941 |
do you two know that you're never gonna get that hour back
//from your life?// |
| F940 |
//I know. But it'll never be as// |
| M942 |
//Yes, I don't think [inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
bad as watchin "Last House on the Left" twice!
//[laugh] Oh my God!// |
| M942 |
//That was a God-awful film.// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
Oh we saw this film called "Devil Town", it was really bad [laugh]
//[laugh] just for the benefit of the tape// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//Don't go down this road again.//
I didn't realise it was a dodgy pilot in the U.S. it was all amalgamated and classed as a film. |
| M939 |
But that guy that was in it was in something else,
//the other night. Is that what it was?// |
| M941 |
//An he's Tag from Friends.// |
| M942 |
//Uh-huh he's in C.S.I. New York, mmhm.// |
| M939 |
Is he? |
| M941 |
Tag,
//the guy that goes out with Rachel.// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible] Rachel.// |
| M939 |
//Is he?//
//Oh but he's got longer hair,// |
| M942 |
//mmhm//
//mmhm// |
| M939 |
//I think.//
//ah// |
| M941 |
//His hair grows.// |
| F940 |
//I'm lost again.// |
| M939 |
Wow!
//One of the few.// |
| M941 |
//Something new every day.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] I miss T.V.// |
| M939 |
//One of the lucky few. Bastards!//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//It's only been off for ten minutes,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
And? |
| M941 |
//that unpleasant sensation you've got in your head is your brain stimulating itself.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
My brain stimulates itself continually all day; we don't just sit and watch the same crap that you do.
//I watch far more intelligent crap.// |
| F940 |
//Crap's sometimes a good thing to be watchin.// |
| M941 |
C.S.I, no what was it you call it? "Spooks",
//sorry, poor man's C.S.I.// |
| M942 |
//"Spooks" is immense!//
Oh no, no it's the British
//version [inaudible].// |
| M941 |
//It's, every single week it's about,//
//oh the Arabs are attackin us, how can we stop them, oh no, the government gets involved, oh Prince Naqim Shahoo Saree has got a bomb,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//the end. Do you know what I mean?// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] What are you like?// |
| M942 |
//You're cruel! You're a big meanie.// |
| M941 |
//Well it's crap!// |
| F940 |
//I'm glad that ye didnae write the//
the critic bit for the
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh] Prince Ali Baba's got a bomb again.// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh] [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//They'll send in the Asian guy to pretend he's an ambassador and he'll blow up the place so it'll be fine and everyone's safe.// |
| M942 |
//Don't watch it. Seen it before.//
//Actually, actually they're lookin for restaurant reviewers in the List.// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
Oh well I could maybe go in and just eat the food an tell them a review,
//an eh I'll just run away,// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] It's the,// |
| M939 |
//What's the List? [inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//an gone, "Mm, I got a free meal an I'm gey full an I'm quite happy and I'm gaun tae run away now",// |
| M942 |
//it's like the cultural arts magazine for Glasgow, Edinburgh and [inaudible] bits in between// |
| M941 |
//You can only do that like// |
| M939 |
//Aw Scotland,//
//mmhm [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//once.// |
| F940 |
//At each restaurant!// |
| M942 |
//but only Glasgow and Edinburgh it doesn't go further than Stirling or Dundee.// |
| M939 |
//yeah, oh right.// |
| M941 |
Ah
//but no but, or you could just go in and say, "Hi, I'm here to review the food",// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
"Hi", |
| M941 |
//but the whole point of a restaurant reviewer is they don't s- they don't give away their identity cause it's supposed to be secret so they're tryin, they're tryin to say.// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible] never.// |
| M941 |
One of your eyeshadows is a different colour from the other one [laugh]. |
| F940 |
If I turn like that does it change?
//No.// |
| M941 |
//No. It's holographic darling,// |
| M942 |
//Yes, it's, it's the light that's hittin it.//
//Oh the Daily Mail have got a holograph thing about the, "Narnia"// |
| M941 |
//don't you know.// |
| F940 |
//oh// |
| M942 |
//film in it, 3D glasses in it.// |
| M939 |
//Oh with 3D glasses, aye.// |
| M942 |
Do you want me to get it for you
//tomorrow?// |
| M941 |
//So it's not a holograph it's a 3D//
//picture?// |
| F940 |
//I'd much prefer// |
| M942 |
//Well pish-posh, tomato tomato.// |
| F940 |
I'd much prefer the, W- the Gromit mug
//that's nose [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//No, aye, so would I [inaudible].// |
| M942 |
//Well then buy Tetley tea.//
//P.G. Tips.// |
| M941 |
//Well we need tea we've not got any tea.// |
| F940 |
//It's, it's no, it's eh, it's no Tetley though is it? P.G. Tips.// |
| M939 |
//Aye.// |
| M941 |
//Oh do you not just, do you not just get a box free// |
| F940 |
//An you need about three boxes though so we'd have to get like six boxes to get a mug// |
| M942 |
//P.G. Tips isn't bad.//
//No you get the mug free with the box.// |
| M941 |
//a, a mug,// |
| F940 |
//But he won't, no, nuh, nuh, nuh, you have to collect tokens.//
//When they, nuh, well they're lyin,// |
| M942 |
//No it was, it was so advertised that the mug was in the box of teabags.// |
| M941 |
//The television lies to you.// |
| F940 |
//you have to collect tokens.// |
| M942 |
No it doesn't, you lie! |
| M941 |
Where are the gay guys across the street, we've not seen them in ages. |
| F940 |
//We-, I think they're just turning their light off now an watchin us// |
| M942 |
//I think they use that as a party house at weekends.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[?]Peering from[/?] under the couch.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] like that// |
| M942 |
//I think they use it as a party pad.//
//A party pad.// |
| M941 |
//Party pad, and that's where they oh.//
//God.// |
| M942 |
//Where they entertain their young male friends.//
//Allegedly.// |
| M941 |
//None o them are young. Very few of them are male,// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
apart from, I mean they have penises but they're not male. |
| M939 |
One of them was dressed as a showgirl the other night.
//No that was for Halloween.// |
| F940 |
//That was for Halloween though was it no?// |
| M942 |
//Aye, it was for Halloween last week.//
//Aye they were, they were, they were practisin [CENSORED: forename].// |
| M941 |
//It was his Halloween costume, yes 'his'// |
| F940 |
//He was dressin up for Halloween, he ws tryin it on.// |
| M939 |
//Oh right.//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Halloween costume, he was a showgirl.// |
| M942 |
His name was Lola. |
| M941 |
//Poofs.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
[laugh]
Aye, well. |
| M941 |
I don't do the males, I used to be one.
//They're makin a "Mrs Doubtfire Two".// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Oh no but we should eh watch "Priscilla//
//Queen of the Desert", we've no watched that for a while,// |
| M941 |
//We should watch it but we need to get it on on D.V.D. cause the video of it's shite// |
| M942 |
//Desert.//
//Aye the video is a bit dodgy.// |
| F940 |
//I know but it's just too good.// |
| M942 |
Well that could be someone's Christmas present to me. |
| M941 |
An it's funny because it, has the video not got three men an a little lady but it's got them actually drawn on, like three stick
//men and a little lady stick man, was she tryin to be funny?// |
| F940 |
//Aye [laugh] that was my, that was my sister's old video tape.//
I think she was just probably bored o havin tae go through an read everything
//so she was just like that, do picture denominations like that, aye, right [inaudible]. No, she just wrote all the rest of them on.// |
| M941 |
//So what would she do for other things, like what if it was 'Eastenders'?// |
| M942 |
//So pictographs.// |
| F940 |
Maybe that was a favourite film o hers an so she drew them on
or maybe she's just no that fuckin creative an just that was the only ane that she thought o somethin tae dae
//that was a bit mair adventurous [inaudible],// |
| M941 |
//Well she does analyse dirt now,//
//you're the creative one of the two.// |
| F940 |
//aye, [laugh] she does analyse dirt// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
in- indeed.
//But mine, if// |
| M942 |
//I'm sure you can be very creative analysing dirt//
//some horrible thing.// |
| F940 |
//if I was brainy enough tae go on an dae a Physics degree then that'd probably be//
//quite pleasant too.// |
| M941 |
//Well, that's true.// |
| M939 |
//mmhm// |
| F940 |
But instead I'll just make folk look pretty
[laugh] an that's fine too.
//[laugh] Ma mother still loves us!// |
| M941 |
//You never use your s-// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//you never ehm, you never use your smokin hippo anymore// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible] [laugh]//
//That's because he keeps on goin oot// |
| M942 |
//mmhm//
//Aye but ye ac-// |
| F940 |
//the cones keep on goin oot.// |
| M939 |
//Aye// |
| M942 |
they, when I do it they don't. |
| F940 |
[laugh] When I dae it they don't [laugh]. |
| M941 |
Maybe his ehm hole's blocked,
//might need to unblock his hole.// |
| F940 |
//Maybe is.// |
| M942 |
//mm// |
| M941 |
What could you ram in there to unblock it? |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] What?// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh] That big [inaudible].// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//Which unfortunately we got a video camera eh, eh//
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Yeah it would be, it would probably be [inaudible]//
//be nice if [inaudible].// |
| M941 |
//Do we put [CENSORED: forename]'s cock or my cock in it?// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//Well is your cock no full?// |
| M941 |
//My cock's not been licked.// |
| M942 |
//Yes Lorraine's cock actually//
//melted by the window one day and I, yeah,// |
| F940 |
//Oh did it melt?// |
| M939 |
//[CENSORED: forename] [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//My cock// |
| F940 |
//[CENSORED: forename]//
doesn't actually have a cock, it's a sweetie from Blackpool! |
| M941 |
//But my cock hasn't been licked.// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] yeah!// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
[laugh] [inaudible] |
| M941 |
//What about you, what about your lips [CENSORED: forename], how are they?// |
| M942 |
//Twenty-two an never been licked//
//ehm, you've ate them have you not?// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//ehm [inaudible]//
//No I ate half, I ate half o them, I ate half o them, I ate the top half.// |
| M942 |
//Do you munch dead quick [inaudible].// |
| M939 |
I ate the good bit. |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//You ate the good bit.// |
| F940 |
It stertit gettin a bit shitty to be honest near the end [laugh].
//[laugh] Aye oh!// |
| M941 |
//Is that be- is that because you're wipin like that?// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
[laugh] |
| M941 |
Well there you go that took all o ten minutes
//to descend into filth.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//oh oh the gay guys are back in the shag pad// |
| M941 |
//You know they've got a fantastic painting on the wall over there that I saw walkin along the street// |
| F940 |
//let's no all point [inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
it's one o those, you know the Andy Warhol Marilyn Monroe thing? |
| M942 |
Yeah |
| M941 |
It's like that but it's just the one and it's not Marilyn Monroe, it's that guy with the, with the little Moca- Moroccan monkey hat
//an he used to go, "Just like that", Tommy Cooper, yeah.// |
| M942 |
//Oh Tommy Cooper, yeah.// |
| M941 |
//Fez!// |
| F940 |
//Like Brains in//
//the, no, the Millennium Dome.// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
Yeah, in the Millennium Dome, yeah.
And [CENSORED: forename] touched the giant clitoris room. |
| F940 |
[laugh] |
| M942 |
Did you, did they not have like proper pube eh
//crabs?// |
| M941 |
//Yeah.//
//It was, it was very disappointing// |
| F940 |
//Folk won't even believe this eh// |
| M942 |
//that fell on your head.// |
| F940 |
the, the, imagine if they do listen to it years and years ahead in the future,
//okay, right, right, can, can we just give them an explanation,// |
| M941 |
//People aren't going to forget such a waste of money as the Millennium Dome// |
| M942 |
//No, never.// |
| F940 |
right, because probably in years an years an years to come when they do listen to this an they hear about the Millennium Dome an what a waste o money it was, right
we actually went right in two thousand [laugh] we went to the Millennium Dome, we were in a youth theatre an we went an performed there
//an it [laugh] there was this big sculpture, I ken, but I have tae talk to the recorder right so it// |
| M942 |
//Honey, they're not gonna be able to see you pointing to the mic!// |
| F940 |
gets what I'm sayin [laugh], we went in an there was this big sculpture that they made a big fuss aboot
an it was a big body, it was two bodies merged intae yin
an we walked, an ye walk in an the first thing that ye were face tae was a giant clitoris piercin
an we just thought, "What the hell?"
//[inaudible] they've spent// |
| M941 |
//Because you entered through the vagina//
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//aw this money on this thing an we've walked in to face a massive// |
| M942 |
//mm we did, we entered through the// |
| M941 |
//An there was pubes comin down// |
| F940 |
//clitoris piercin.// |
| M941 |
an there was big giant crabs
//in the pubes.// |
| F940 |
//sc-//
//scuttlin aboot in them, they were like mechanical an they would just slide back an forward in between the pubes// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
an then you went up the stairs an it was a big room an it was like painted like a rib cage an there was a big heart hingin through the ceilin, this was a bit borin this bit, right
//an it had the soond o somebody breathin an [laugh] this big hert was hingin fae the ceilin// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
an it was pumpin an then they went like that [sneeze] an they sneezed [laugh] an it went an pumped a bit faster so we moved through there fairly quickly
[laugh] an then.
//Can ye no mind that bit? An then we went up the stairs again// |
| M941 |
//I can't remember [inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//an we walked intae this room [laugh] an it was just aw these brains on sticks, right,//
//an [laugh] there was [laugh] an there was this, this yin brain in the middle at the back an it had a Tommy Cooper hat on// |
| M941 |
//How much money did it cost, about twenty million pounds?// |
| F940 |
an they were playin a Tommy Cooper sketch an this brain would jump up an doon on the stick when Tommy Cooper was speakin an then when the audience laughed aw the rest o the brains jumped up an doon on the sticks,
how much o a waste o money was that [laugh] an then you walked through and another room was like a big giant eyeball
//an// |
| M942 |
//How did we get ontae that?// |
| F940 |
so that the folk in the future ken what was inside the Millennium Dome [laugh].
//It's an education, look it's like, it's like a// |
| M942 |
//With their neon visors an their, an their hover boards an stuff.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
voice frae the past
//reachin oot an tellin them aboot it.// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible] years time we'll be in a space station!//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Some idiot'll be sat in their Standard Grade History class//
//"Let's listen to this primary source,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//It is, I am a primary source.// |
| M941 |
//primary source", and [CENSORED: forename]'ll come on goin,//
//"[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]"// |
| M942 |
//We'll transcribe it// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible] they'll no talk anythin like us, they'll be like, "Aye, sir, I cannae understand a word o what this woman's on aboot".// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//But it won't be, it won't be a high school, it'll be like visual things// |
| F940 |
//So anyway, in the room but let's just tell them what aboot the, the eyeball//
an all so that we get the full tore, tore? Full tour [laugh] o the Millennium Dome [laugh]
an there was a big eyeball an ken how when ye see hings it's actually turned upside doon on the back o yer eye
ye'll learn that in Biology [laugh]
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//You're not speaking to your unborn child.// |
| F940 |
//Well they// |
| M942 |
//She could be//
//technically.// |
| F940 |
//might ken//
//what if they dinnae have, well maybe Biology'll have probably advanced by the time they're b- even b- arsed tae listen tae me [laugh] yabberin away on this tape, they'll be like that// |
| M942 |
//oh//
//Aye, they'll probably get that in, you know, primary one, two.// |
| F940 |
//ehm, aye, probably, [laugh]//
//it'll probably just be a wee chip implanted in the back of their brain, they'll be like that oooo, "Alright, I ken everythin aboot Biology",// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible] at that point anyway// |
| F940 |
aye true, true, onyways, eyeball
newsreel images on a big screen seein them upside doon on the back o the eyeball
//that was aboot it, it was all, aye, oh aye so we did, an then we, an then we left// |
| M941 |
//Oh no, the eyeball expanded and contracted [inaudible] the iris [inaudible] pupil.// |
| F940 |
an then we went tae another room an we went an stood in a wee cubicle thing an they scanned oor body an then it got put ontae a computer image an we
//sat on the back o the bike wi E.T. [laugh] an we flew along the sky on E.T.// |
| M942 |
//Now that would do your self-image [laugh] a great amount// |
| F940 |
but it wis obviously no masel it was the computer generated image
//which made me look a bit fuckin daft actually, it didnae look like me, I had lumpy bits in places that I dinnae have lumpy bits// |
| M941 |
//I hadn't. I//
//I couldn't get on it cause my trousers were too [inaudible] it was// |
| F940 |
//we were like that, [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
effectively a changin room right ye went into this thing an it went "Je-je-jum" and scanned ye
an then ye went out an then on the big screen it would be you
//an, on the back, yeah but they couldn't do me cause my trousers were too baggy so it couldnae get a, a proper shape out o ye at the bottom// |
| M939 |
//Oh right, aye, on the bike? Aye//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//that wa-, that was pretty shit, what was good though was the, the room ye went into when you typed in little things an they went flyin round the room like that//
//an big, did you go into that room?// |
| F940 |
//No but the relax, mind the relax?//
//oh rest, rest// |
| M941 |
//No rest, rest, that was good.// |
| F940 |
an on the ootside it looked like a massive big rainbow
//thing but it was actually, it was like, it was like [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Rainbow armadillo which will be featuring in in "Sphinx Two", four rainbow armadillos// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//Ring armadillos, really.// |
| F940 |
//but it was like a big rainbow thing an when ye went inside it an it was aw just white//
bricks eh? An there was two sort o slopey bits went up fae the groond
an ye could either just have a nice gentle seat or a wee bit rest, [laugh] lie doon an have a wee bit relax [laugh]
an they had like, like lights hidden on,
//up a- I'm no describin this very well, this armadillo, I talk a lot wi my hands ye see.// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
Right, basically you walk through this tunnel, right, in the Millennium Dome,
if you imagine it, it's like a shopping centre on a Saturday, this constant buzz o noise
an when you walk in all the noise just suddenly stops cause it's sound-proofed
and it's like everything's all smoothed out so it's like a hollowed out inside of like, say a pumpkin for example.
//Right, but obviously there's a bit goin through the middle so you come in right you walk in and above you there's a bit going over like that,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Quite festive.// |
| M939 |
//Right.// |
| M941 |
right and obviously it's smoothed up round it and stuff an the whole ceiling goes up over it but on top of that bit it's obviously hollowed out and filled with lights
an the lights change colour so they project right, an the whole room's painted white and everything's all smooth and it's all contours so you can lie down on it wherever you want and it'll fit to your body.
//It's solid.// |
| M942 |
//Was it womb-like?// |
| M941 |
Very womb-like.
//God it would have been great, anyway let's not talk about that, [throat] an ehm// |
| F940 |
//Oh imagine! [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
the lights changed colour and every so often a sun or a planet would just be projected on the ceiling
and apparently a couple got caught shaggin in there. |
| F940 |
Did they?
//I never heard aboot that. No it's solid.// |
| M941 |
//No it's solid but it's very comfortable cause it's g- it's all like that so you would just fit into it// |
| M939 |
//So is the room a soft an that like? No, contoured, right.// |
| M941 |
//but we were in there for a good while; it was nice in there.// |
| F940 |
//That was, that was the best bit.// |
| M942 |
//Were you two the ones that were caught shaggin?// |
| M941 |
//No, aye, aye, so it was.// |
| F940 |
//Not us.// |
| M941 |
But we couldn't go into the kids' bit, the kids' bit looked mental, it's like a proper big castle and you could shoot like plastic balls at people an stuff
//but we weren't allowed in there.// |
| F940 |
//Nuh.// |
| M939 |
//Aye?// |
| M942 |
Were youse too big? |
| F940 |
I think sae |
| M942 |
Did they have a wee sign outside saying, "You must be this high"
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//What else was in the Millennium Dome? It was pretty fuckin crap,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//Aye it was very// |
| M941 |
//wasn't it? The gift shop was awright// |
| F940 |
//I cannae mind a gift shop.// |
| M942 |
//That's cause that's where they could make their money back.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//I went to [inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//What was that silly thing,//
was there no a hing aboot like pollution an that an ye had to go in a room an ken when ye get they wee things an you go intae silly parks or to museums an ye lift the box an it tells you the answer it gives you a question on the front
"yes or no" an then ye a- lift it an it was a, there was like
//silly model things.// |
| M941 |
//I know what you mean//
//but I don't know if anyone else does.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] No that, that, this was at the Millennium Dome an, aye, but the same kind, the same kinda// |
| M939 |
//That was in Chester Zoo, you know the leopard thing [inaudible] it was like "leopard shit" or something// |
| M941 |
//You put your hand in it and felt it.// |
| F940 |
//thing at Chester Zoo if ye go to Chester Zoo.//
Aye, aye, at Chester Zoo an aw ye go roon an ye could sniff leopard poo
//an stuff like that, it's no very pleasant.// |
| M942 |
//eugh that's very// |
| M939 |
//Aye, aye, aye.// |
| F940 |
//But it's the same idea, it's the same idea. Aye, I ken [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//nice! [laugh] Here kids, let's go an smell some leopard crap! [laugh]// |
| F940 |
it's the same idea though it's like different boxes an like you lift the thing an it tells you a bit aboot them.
An ehm, I canne mind what the hell it was ab-, it was aboot
//pollution an that, no// |
| M941 |
//No.//
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//an ye had a wee//
question
//board thing an ye had to go an// |
| M942 |
//An you were like, smelling carbon//
//monoxide an// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//aye, no I dinnae think they would make ye smell//
//carbon monoxide [laugh] cause it's a bit fuckin evil [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] [inaudible] die!// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//I think that's the best idea like [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//They're over-producing!//
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
Do you know what was really rubbish, was the ehm
the, the show thing. |
| M942 |
What the one that you
//did// |
| F940 |
//We left halfwey through it.// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible] it just//
like a big,
//like a// |
| M941 |
//No it was sh-, the show, the, the Millennium Dome thing// |
| M942 |
//It was like a ma-, everything, everything was just a//
massive
//how wide was it, it was about two mile wide.// |
| M941 |
//it was a, it was a big fuckin [inaudible] tent, two mile wide, get a grip, it was about a hundred metres,// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]//
//Like where did youse do your perfor- where did youse do your performance aboot?// |
| M941 |
//oh just in a wee tent inside it.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Fit all that under it though.// |
| M941 |
//But in the middle, in the middle there was the big fuckin Millennium Dome// |
| F940 |
//It was a pink tent though; it looked quite funky on the ootside.// |
| M939 |
//Oh right.// |
| M941 |
performance where all the people came catapulting out of the sky
//and they were dancers on the winds of time [inaudible] it was shite, it wasnae, it wasnae even remotely of that level of standard.// |
| F940 |
//An they were aw on stilts an everythin [laugh] [inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//So did I, we left cause it was borin.// |
| F940 |
//I left halfwey through [inaudible] I was goin tae say, aye//
//Aye, everything else// |
| M941 |
//Cause we went cause everythin else was dead then so we could go [inaudible]//
//it was still pretty crap though.// |
| F940 |
//aye// |
| M941 |
"Starlight Express" was better. |
| F940 |
"Starlight Express" was immense! |
| M942 |
[sigh]
//[sigh]// |
| M941 |
//That was good.//
//No.// |
| F940 |
//We're no gonnae stert singin songs now.// |
| M941 |
//But [CENSORED: forename] was dead funny cause he was like that,// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//"Och fuck, I'm no gonnae like this, it's gonnae be totally fuckin shite// |
| F940 |
//Aye.// |
| M941 |
[inaudible]", an about, after about two minutes he was like that, he grabbed my hand an went, "[CENSORED: forename]
//this is brilliant!", I was like, "Yeah, I know",// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] He was the first guy up at the end an all//
//for a standing o- [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible] Woohoohoo!//
//Totally funny.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
Oh dear. |
| M942 |
Oh I'm glad I've not heard that story about five thousand
//times. Yes I have.// |
| M941 |
//You've never heard that story before [CENSORED: forename], so shut your mouth.//
When are you gonna sand your feet, they're a state? |
| M942 |
//Leave my feet alone,// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//For the, for the benefit of the tape [CENSORED: forename] has scabby feet.// |
| M942 |
//they're not needin sanded [inaudible]//
//I don't have scabby// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
scab- scabby, mingin, crass or any kind of feet;
they're proper feet ye get by workin
//an you'll only get those feet by working hard in [CENSORED: company name].// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//Don't tell them where I work, I want that edited from the tape,// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//they might come an get me.// |
| M942 |
//[cough]//
//An what, take you away to the fuckin nut house?// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
Is that politically correct?
//"Fuckin nuthouse" [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Okay, the, the sanatarium [laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//You haven't taken, you haven't taken that D.V.D. back// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//or Gartnavel if you come from Glasgow.//
//Oh shite, neither I have, [laugh] what time is it? [inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Quarter past nine. A D.V.D. is something//
you can watch on, on the television, you can rent it from a shop called Blockbusters
//or Global.// |
| F940 |
//Or Global [laugh].// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
Not like what you people have which will be able to be downloaded in
//s- nanoseconds.// |
| F940 |
//Or a recent a recent development is now that we can actually rent them by ordering them over the internet//
and they're delivered straight to your door
but we haven't ventured out to that quite yet.
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//I don't like things like that on the internet, I think it's dodgy.// |
| M941 |
How is it dodgy? |
| M942 |
Cause you're puttin your bank details an things like that into a computer that technically
//can be spied on. No.// |
| F940 |
//But ye dae that almost a-, ken whit I mean?// |
| M939 |
//Have you, have you never bought anything off Amazon?//
//Oh// |
| M941 |
//E-bay?// |
| M942 |
No.
//Well no, no technically I have [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//uh-huh?// |
| F940 |
//Concert tickets.//
//ah// |
| M942 |
//I did buy something but done it by cheque,//
we sent a cheque for that.
//For that// |
| M941 |
//For what?// |
| M939 |
//Aye.// |
| M942 |
Teen Witch thing. |
| M941 |
Paid twelve pound for that as well! |
| F940 |
//But it's, have you no heard// |
| M942 |
//Wasn't twelve pound!// |
| F940 |
nowadays though the news is that, know, folk are like befriendin people in certain like businesses or certain
//places of work [laugh] that have like access tae information aboot folk// |
| M942 |
//mmhm// |
| F940 |
an they're like wor-, ye, spendin months like befriendin them an stuff an then tryin tae get access codes an that frae them just findin oot wee bits o information an that
//and constantly taking,// |
| M942 |
//Yeah, called identity theft.// |
| F940 |
is it, no, no actually stealin your identity
but like say you worked somewhere, in a bank or
//wherever else// |
| M942 |
//Aye.// |
| F940 |
an I was wantin tae nick information aboot [CENSORED: forename]
//I would come across an be, "Awright [CENSORED: forename] how're ye daein, I'm your wee pal an that", [inaudible], -n-, nestle my wey in there, an then// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//[inaudible] in the pub I mean sorry, I would be your// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] No//
//[inaudible] like that, "Hello [CENSORED: forename], I'm eh", [laugh] [CENSORED: forename], "Hello [CENSORED: forename]",// |
| M942 |
//friend.//
//I'm, I'm thinking you would ehm [inaudible] a far// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] [inaudible] onyweys//
//no right but ken whit I mean?// |
| M942 |
//better honey trap than that.// |
| F940 |
So [laugh] I would like nestle my wey in there, become your pal after like months an months
an then get aw, like my wee ehm heid
intae yer job an that,
an try an get oot as much information so that I can fuck off tae another computer an try an get intae aw the
mainframe of your bank that you work at.
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh] The mainframe, cause it's the nineteen eighties, we're in an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, we've cracked the mainframe// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Oh [CENSORED: forename]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
[laugh]
Awright so I dinnae ken the jargon
//[laugh] An that's why I'm a make-up artist [laugh].// |
| M941 |
//Yeah, the mainframe, that's brilliant,//
//motherboards [inaudible].// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Exactly! [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//And not a spy, yeah! [laugh]// |
| F940 |
But maybe nowadays if I was a spy and used words like mainframe I'd, ken, knock them off the scent [laugh] they'd think I was a right stupid cow
which obviously I am when it comes to computers [laugh] but ken
//it's like// |
| M942 |
//But you can tell us anything about skin care.// |
| F940 |
//Well no really,// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
[laugh] ah no really.
Aye, I ken everythin honestly
//R.M.K.s great, come an buy loads, if it's still aboot// |
| M941 |
//What, what you playin at?// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//I don't think you're allowed to advertise like that [laugh].// |
| F940 |
[laugh] that's crap
//[laugh] I well got in// |
| M942 |
//Come an see [CENSORED: forename]!// |
| F940 |
afore you an aw, come on! [laugh]
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Honey, I don't, I don't need to, I work for a prestigious French brand// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
ooh |
| M941 |
almost |
| F940 |
almost |
| M942 |
What, almost prestige? |
| M941 |
I almost work for them. |
| M942 |
Oh right! [laugh] |
| M941 |
How much did you pay for your rock? |
| M942 |
Pound fifty, in old money. |
| F940 |
[laugh]
//[laugh] That was quite good, aye [laugh].// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Oh my God, it's gonna be like when you used to sit there an you'd read that// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
oh, "Isa describes what it was like living in
//nineteen eighteen",// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] As long as it's no like her off "Chewin the Fat"// |
| M942 |
//An with two shillins.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//"And every morning we'd hang out the washin, bring it in before the men came back from the coal mines", that was before Margaret Thatcher got her fuckin fingers [inaudible], you'll learn about her,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh] In History [laugh].// |
| M941 |
//aye,// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
she wasn't a nice woman but she was kinda cool |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[cough]//
//In a Marks and Spencers kind o way.// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
Before they tried to be all funky. |
| F940 |
//An no sell ony proper food apart fae ready meals// |
| M942 |
//Apparently they've taken the,//
apparently they've taken the Christmas bonus off their staff so thank God I left when I did. |
| M941 |
You wouldn't have got it anyway, not with your sickness record. |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Please!//
Excuse me,
two days sick in six months and that only counts as
//one instance.// |
| M941 |
//Well that's fuckin brilliant, I've worked at Red Earth for almost a year and not had one fuckin day off.// |
| M942 |
//That's cause you're too scared.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
[throat] It's because I've got a work ethic. |
| M942 |
No [laugh]
//it's because you're too scared.// |
| F940 |
//ooh// |
| M941 |
//When we first started goin out// |
| M942 |
//I have a very good work ethic.// |
| M941 |
[CENSORED: forename] gave me a row for having a bad work ethic.
//Because I quit my shitty job because my student loan was comin in.// |
| M942 |
//Cause you did have a bad work ethic!// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
I only took the job to get money until my student loan came in. |
| M942 |
But how long did your student last you, student loan last you until you had to get another job? |
| M941 |
A couple o weeks. |
| F940 |
//An hopefully if things go well the people listening to this will no longer have to pay back their student loan,// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//No cause they'll have to [inaudible] themselves in other manners.// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible] they'll still be payin back oors,//
oor grandchildren'll [laugh] still be payin back oors.
//No I dinnae think sae, I hope no.// |
| M941 |
//Is that what happens?// |
| F940 |
//Imagine that.// |
| M942 |
//It's non-transferable debt.// |
| M939 |
//How, have you stertit payin back yours?// |
| M941 |
I fuckin will do when I get my new wage rise. |
| M939 |
Aye. |
| M942 |
Fifteen thousand pound old money.
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
They'll only take like a wee bit at a time, eh? |
| M942 |
Probably aboot forty quid a month. |
| M941 |
I'll just phone them an tell them I don't want them to take it.
//I'm not payin it [inaudible].// |
| M942 |
//You don't, you don't have a choi-, you know, you can thingmy it, you can thingmy it for a year.// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]//
//Twenty quid a month is she no?// |
| M941 |
//I might just do it.// |
| F940 |
//Aye.// |
| M941 |
How much is she on? |
| F940 |
Aboot the same I hink. I dinnae ken, maybe mair. |
| M941 |
She's bound to be on more, she's doin a much more pivotal job [laugh] than me!
She can change the world, I, I can't. |
| M942 |
//Yeah you can, through beauty.// |
| M939 |
//She can change the world!//
//[laugh] aye// |
| M941 |
//It's no much [inaudible] you know// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] By standin next tae a digger an goin, "That is kind o pebbly what's comin oot now,//
//that's a bit// |
| M942 |
//mm//
//[laugh] We're gettin down to the turf level guys,// |
| M941 |
//Aye but I mean her job is more, more important than mine, it's more sorta,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] [inaudible]//
//[laugh] oh, there's a deid body, haud on the noo,// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible] she must surely.// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] Woah! Woah! Woah! Woah!//
//Call Taggart, there's been a murder.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
There's been a murder [laugh]. |
| M942 |
Do you know how many times I had to say that, d- I'm no sure if youse got this when you went down tae England,
but how many people wanted me to say that. |
| M941 |
//Because we're not from Glasgow.// |
| F940 |
//Ken what I said to them in England right when I went doon, I probably telt ye this a hundred times afore,//
but the folk on the tape havenae heard it, so get in! [laugh]
When I went doon tae England tae study at Northumbria University [laugh]
right, no but we were talkin aboot alarm clocks an ken how in Argos they've got that fitba yin
//the football one, [laugh] right, you used to, ye, when it gauns off in the mornin// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//You throw it at the wall.// |
| F940 |
//ye, it says [inaudible] next to it,//
//"Gently toss against the wall", [laugh] could you imagine it?// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//Bang! [laugh] Shut the fuck up!// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] [inaudible] you used to be able to get, you used to be able to get them in ehm//
//tennis balls as well.// |
| F940 |
//Aye so they were a talkin aboot alarm clocks//
an that an sayin, "Oh I want this yin
//I want that yin".// |
| M939 |
//What's this alarm clock cause it said toss against// |
| F940 |
//No, it was a foot-, it was a like a// |
| M942 |
//No, it's to to stop it.// |
| M941 |
//Toss gently against the wall.// |
| F940 |
//a fitbae shape.//
//It's like a f-, a football, it's like a fitbae shape, right, an it sits on a wee// |
| M942 |
//Yes.// |
| M939 |
//An alarm clock?// |
| M941 |
//It's actually, it's// |
| F940 |
//stand thing,//
//aye, an you throw it at the wall an it stops it beepin, aye,// |
| M941 |
//it's soft as well and you throw it at the wall [inaudible] yeah.// |
| M939 |
//Oh an that stops it?//
//No if it's no got a snooze button, nuh! [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Do you want a loan?// |
| F940 |
//so they were aw talkin aboot alarm clocks and I was like that to them, I'm goin [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//You need a snooze button, come on [laugh].// |
| F940 |
//an I was like that, "Oh, I want the fitbae yin", an they were like that, "The fibian? the fib-, what the hell's a fibian?", I went, "No, the fitbae yin",// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
an they went, "Amphibian?", [laugh] I went, "The football one",
//[laugh] an they were like that, "Aye, right, where the hell's this lassie frae?", I was like that, "Sorry, speak English, speak properly// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
so that they understand". |
| M942 |
My God, it's like fuckin "Tea-time with Mother" now
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//I know, aye.//
//"Watch With Mother", that was it// |
| M942 |
//"Watch With Mother" [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh] What, "Teatime with Mother", is that the Channel Five version?// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
No that was my version when I never got to see my mother all day.
//mm// |
| M941 |
//Oh poor you, oh heart bleeds.// |
| F940 |
//Oh woe is you.//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//But you lived next to a biscuit factory so the smell would have kept you happy I'm sure.// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
Only when they were doin coconut creams.
//Oh the smell of bakin coconut is beautiful.// |
| M941 |
//eurgh//
When I was at high school we had a Home Economics teacher called Mrs [CENSORED: surname],
//and she used to// |
| F940 |
//Beep!//
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Allegedly!// |
| M941 |
//I don't get it.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//We had a ehm a fill-in, like an assistant//
//kinda teacher,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Woman.// |
| M939 |
//ehm, substitute teacher//
//called Mrs [CENSORED: surname], was she quite fat?// |
| M941 |
//She used to say "mesli"//
//no she was skinny, she, she ate well// |
| M939 |
//Oh well.// |
| M941 |
"mesli crunch" she used to call it, not "muesli", "mesli" |
| M942 |
Why? |
| M941 |
Because she was a fuckin fanny baw. |
| F940 |
//[laugh] I ken, aye!// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] Any more you could [inaudible].// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
I had a Home Economics teacher an
//beep, [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible]?// |
| M942 |
//I think we all had a Home [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//I don't understand the beeps, explain it.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] No a, one o my Home Economics teachers, no but she had ehm//
total googly eyes.
But she loved me cause I was
//shit hot, aye cause I had googly eyes too,// |
| M942 |
//Cause you had googly eyes! [laugh]// |
| F940 |
//look at my muckle een they're poppin oot in yer heid.// |
| M939 |
//Who was that?// |
| M941 |
//So tell me what the beep means.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
Oh I'll explain it to you
some other day when you're old enough [laugh],
//[laugh] no but// |
| M942 |
//Don't understand.// |
| F940 |
aye, I was good at Home Economics.
//[inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//Who was the googly-eyed teacher?// |
| F940 |
Miss what was she called, Miss [CENSORED: surname], Mrs [CENSORED: surname]?
//Nuh, she came later on in my life you see,// |
| M939 |
//Nuh.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] taught me all I know about// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] [inaudible]//
//cooking soup.// |
| M941 |
//Openin a tin of beans.// |
| F940 |
//minerals an vitamins an that iron comes from green leafy vegetables.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//We never [inaudible] vegetables at school!//
//[laugh] It's probably why I don't eat any, yeah.// |
| F940 |
//Is that why you dinnae eat them? [laugh]// |
| M942 |
They knew we wouldn't be able to afford any in that area o Glasgow,
//so they just didn't bother teachin us about them.// |
| M941 |
//But you could have potatoes like the Irish.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Let's no [inaudible] [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible] [laugh]//
//We're not goin back to explain to you what the potato [laugh] famine meant [laugh].// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] [inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//Explain, don't just//
//eh Aye?// |
| M941 |
//Because yeah, okay, fair enough,// |
| F940 |
//Aye, we did explain// |
| M942 |
//We did try to explain.// |
| M941 |
right the ground was rotten so that made the potatoes rotten,
//so why was it called the potato famine and not just the ground.// |
| M942 |
//Because that's what they most-, that's what they mostly harvested// |
| M939 |
//Because potatoes was the main thing.// |
| M941 |
//But they did harvest other things, do you know what?// |
| M942 |
//Yes.// |
| M941 |
The Irish are stupid. |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//But there was more potatoes than there was carrots,//
an so they weren't gonnae caw it the potato, carrot, pea an sweetcorn famine. |
| M941 |
Well peas don't come out the ground [CENSORED: forename], they come out o pods. |
| M939 |
Well I wis, example.
//An.// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] So why did they no just live off apple pie.// |
| M941 |
Yeah exactly. |
| F940 |
//Cause you get the crab apples at the Hentrap Park in Galashiels [laugh] I would imagine if they made an effort tae grow them// |
| M942 |
//Oh my g-g- [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Do they have them in the Hentrap Park, there's not any trees there.// |
| F940 |
//an, aye, aye// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible] Where is the Hentrap?//
//Oh aye, that end, aye.// |
| F940 |
//ken the yin in between Haliburton and Magdala Terrace.//
//If you// |
| M941 |
//Magdala.//
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//get oot an auld map o nineteen nineties Galashiels [laugh] ye'll find the Hentrap Park//
//halfwey [laugh] in bet- along Haliburton Place in between Magdala an Haliburton Place an it's a wee park an we cawed it the Hentrap Park// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
an they used tae have [laugh] swings an a roondaboot an they used tae have some monkey bars
//but the lads frae Glendinning Terrace which is a street, a street up frae Haliburton Place,// |
| M941 |
//A roundabout?// |
| F940 |
they used tae come doon wi an auld spanner an take aw the nuts an bolts off the [laugh] roondaboot an leave it aw just like metal bits or eugh
//hingin aboot the place an they got them aw taen doon.// |
| M941 |
//No [CENSORED: forename], a roundabout?// |
| F940 |
Aye.
//[cough]// |
| M941 |
//That's not what it was called.// |
| M939 |
We had a roondaboot at the
//eh park across the road frae my bit an// |
| M941 |
//Aye, a roondaboot.// |
| M939 |
somebody got eh their, like,
//trapped underneath it somehow// |
| M942 |
//Leg.//
//Did you see this or did you hear this?// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible]//
//Eh, I heard it// |
| M942 |
//Cause in//
//every park there's a roundabout, now everybody// |
| M941 |
//Did you read it in the Daily Star [CENSORED: forename]?// |
| M939 |
//but the, there was, there was, there was, there was [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//[CENSORED: forename].// |
| M942 |
//says, "Oh//
//watch yourself on that because some kid's leg got trapped under it",// |
| M941 |
//But.// |
| M939 |
//Aye, aye.//
//[inaudible] but there was ehm there was a chute// |
| F940 |
//Oh! I split ma heid open on the yin at the Hentrap Park//
//cause my sister// |
| M942 |
//[CENSORED: forename], sh// |
| M941 |
//[CENSORED: forename]'s tellin us a story.// |
| M939 |
//awright it had a chute, in, in the park as weel, ken it's like a big steep hill and it's a big chute [inaudible]//
//an eh my sister.// |
| M941 |
//In Hawick?// |
| M939 |
No Gala,
//eh my sister threw ehm// |
| F940 |
//Why would we be in Hawick? [laugh]// |
| M939 |
me and my sister had fallen oot and we'd been playin cricket cause we used to play cricket in the park in Gala on summer nights
//an eh// |
| M941 |
//Just you an her?// |
| M939 |
Aye, aye, just the three of us, it was great,
//[laugh] maximum fun,// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
an eh we fell oot an she, she threw the cricket stump at us an the metal bit caught ma leg an cut ma leg an I needed tae get stitches an my mum kicked up a fuss an s- eh
cause we, we didn't want to tell my mum an that cause we didn't want my sister an that to get in shit an a that so we co- made this story that it was the eh
//it was, [laugh] it was, aye, well my sister kinda talked us intae it and I was that// |
| M941 |
//So you went home and went, "Do you know what, I'll tell you what my sister will say, it's someone else [inaudible]"//
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//young an naïve an eh//
//we blamed it on the chute cause the,// |
| M941 |
//Bitch!// |
| M939 |
we blamed it on the chute and that there was a metal bit stickin oot the chute and I went doon an it caught my leg an my mum kicked up a fuss an phoned the cooncil an the chute got taen away
//two days later [laugh].// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
So aw these, so, because you an your sister are big |
| M939 |
Aye. |
| M942 |
both, cause you were a big girly boy
//and your sister was a big coward, it denied, it denied future generations, that's, that's it// |
| M939 |
//Hey you, it was a metal [inaudible] [laugh], it did, it did.// |
| M941 |
Now I've never had a sibling,
but I would imagine if, I had a cousin and she was a bit of a cow,
//she was a whore later in life, that's another story,// |
| M942 |
//mmhm// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
she ehm an if she did that to me I would bloody well have grassed on her,
you should hae-
//let's go, let's go and tell your mum now [inaudible].// |
| F940 |
//no, see, that's why,// |
| M939 |
//No, they g-, I think they get it now.//
//Aye.// |
| M941 |
//Oh do they?// |
| F940 |
//but ye, ye just, ye wouldnae, ye//
//didnae even think.// |
| M942 |
//vengeance no,//
you, you could never dole out vengeance like I doled out vengeance as a child. |
| M941 |
Well that's nice. |
| M942 |
[inaudible] I've told you the
//Kermit story, haven't I?// |
| M941 |
//Oh do we need to hear this again?// |
| M942 |
I had a foam Kermit that was, that had a, would never pass regulations nowadays
//[laugh] cause it was me-,// |
| M941 |
//Kermit the Frog by the way.// |
| M942 |
//metal framed,// |
| M939 |
//A phone?// |
| M941 |
//Foam.// |
| F940 |
//Foam.// |
| M942 |
//foam//
//Foam,// |
| M939 |
//Foam?//
//Oh right, right, right.// |
| M942 |
//like plastic foam and ehm,//
//it was shaped in the shape of Kermit the Frog and put on this metal thing and because// |
| F940 |
//Plastic foam? [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//It was a, it basically it was [inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//I was a, because I was a neglected child// |
| M939 |
//Right.// |
| M942 |
this was, you know, I mean, I loved this toy above everything else in my life,
an my cousins were very jealous of me because I was very spoilt,
//of course [laugh],// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
an eh they tried to get it off me one night like kinda, "No, we're gonna throw this out", to try an wind me up
and I wouldn't let go and the actual frog ripped in half an I was stood holdin two foam legs
//an they were holding half a Kermit wi two big metal prongs sticking out the bottom of it.// |
| F940 |
//Oh it's a wee sin!// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
So as vengeance I went in and took money from one cousin's bedroom and went and put it in the other cousin's bedroom,
an then told that cousin that my other cousin had taken it
an it kicked up holy fuck in the house and to this day nobody actually knows it was me that done it; they still blame each other,
//an it's caused a twenty-five year family feud! That's how you dole out vengeance as a child.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
There ye go. |
| M942 |
So be warned. |
| F940 |
//Do you mind when you were wee [laugh] maybe you never done this, right, [laugh] this has got me total laugh-, mind when ye were wee// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| F940 |
an ye used tae get intae bother frae yer mum
and you've go- I used to take tantrums like God knows what, [laugh] right?
//[laugh] I used tae take a tantrum an go, "Right, fine, I'm runnin away", [laugh] an I would get a plastic bag,// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible] [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//I still do that a little bit.// |
| F940 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
get a plastic bag and just pack loads o pants and gone and stand ootside the front door,
//and wait for her to come oot an come an get ye, she never fuckin did [laugh] I would just stand there for ages, I'd go, "Oh sod this", and gone back in [laugh],// |
| M941 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
//[inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//Is that why, is that why you've got so many pairs o pants,// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] just in case I've got to run away//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible] right, right.// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[CENSORED: forename] fuck you, I'm leavin, I'm gettin my pants an I'm puttin them in a bag from the corner shop and I'm gonna stand outside the front door.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//I know! [inaudible] three hundred pairs o pants!// |
| M942 |
//[laugh] No it would take her three hours to find them all.// |
| M939 |
//Take aboot three hours to put them a in the fuckin bag!// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Then it would take her three hours to sort through them,//
//are they clean or dirty, and then about an hour to figure out what ones she actually wants.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//An then decide whether or not she needs to take a jacket or a scarf cause it might be cold outside [laugh]// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] Well// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[laugh] and will I need my umbrella?// |
| F940 |
//we live in Scotland, it's quite often cold.//
//[inaudible] [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//[inaudible] it's the middle of July, the sun's shinin but I might need my woolly jumper// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//I've got my hat and gloves in case there's a sudden snowstorm.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//Just in case there's a, there's a wind [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
//You are a country lass through and through, aren't you?// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] A girl should always be prepared, I am, I'd just need my wellies an then I'd be sorted,//
but I painted them white for Halloween three years ago [laugh]
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//What did you paint them with?//
//Aye, good, well done.// |
| F940 |
//Spray paint.//
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Cause when we did, when we s-, when we// |
| M942 |
//Cause you're obviously too thick to realise you can't use emulsion.// |
| M941 |
//well when we did Victory Harvest// |
| F940 |
//[laugh] [inaudible]// |
| M941 |
an we had to paint the wellies we tried to paint them with emulsion [laugh]. |
| M942 |
What? |
| M941 |
Yeah the wellies, the black, an made them black an it didn't work so we just spray-painted them instead. |
| M942 |
But you honestly thought emul-,
please tell me [CENSORED: forename] didn't tell you to use
//emulsion.// |
| M941 |
//No, [CENSORED: forename] did it.//
//[inaudible] Well, she was a compulsive liar.// |
| M942 |
//Oh God, yeah, come on.// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
Oh you should have known better than to trust her. |
| M941 |
I wonder where she is now. |
| M942 |
Probably a needle hangin oot her arm in Humberside somewhere. |
| M941 |
That's a bit harsh.
//Did you ever meet [CENSORED: forename]?// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
Who's [CENSORED: forename]? |
| M941 |
Oh, she was a, a compulsive, lying
freak that was in our year at school, [CENSORED: forename] got on really well with her.
//Well you did.// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]//
That is true.
See, people who seemed most needy at university for things such as psychological counselling tended to gravitate towards me or [CENSORED: forename].
I tended to get the more violent ones amongst them.
//Yeah.// |
| M941 |
//I just got the ones with the eating disorders.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
mmhm I got the sociopaths, [CENSORED: forename] got the anorexics. |
| M941 |
And bulimics. |
| M942 |
Oh and bulimics, sorry.
//Oh yeah!// |
| M941 |
//And the self-harmers as well, it was great fun!//
//Learning is fun at [CENSORED: placename] Uni.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[inaudible]// |
| M942 |
//Do you know I'm still, did I tell you I'm still in the prospectus?// |
| M941 |
Yes you did.
//Looking, he looks very very simple.// |
| F940 |
//You're in the prospectus are you, what for?//
//We went on holiday to Ibiza.// |
| M941 |
//It was when [CENSORED: forename] was goin through his// |
| M942 |
//[laugh]// |
| M941 |
"I'm gonna have a side partin an it's gonna look sexy" phase, when it just doesn't. |
| F940 |
//When we went on// |
| M942 |
//An in fact there's, it's no just a picture,//
they've actually cut me out the picture so I've got like a, a strange line around me,
an you know when somebody does that an it gets to the person's hair
an then they try to cut round the hair, always just ends up lookin like you're wearin a helmet. |
| F940 |
ah
We went on holiday to Ibiza when I was eh in primary six, I went wi my mum an dad
//an eh// |
| M942 |
//Were you livin it up//
//in Ibi-? [laugh]// |
| F940 |
//in Ibiza//
Totally like, woo! [laugh] But eh
the next year when they were look-, my mum an dad was goin through the holiday brochures an lookin for holidays an me an my sister were in the pool every day when we were across there
an ehm [laugh] for some reason [laugh] because I was in primary six an rather young at the time
there was these very fashionable bright neon goggles oot [laugh] an I had a lovely stylish bright yellow an pink pair,
//uh-huh goggles, swimming goggles, aye, they were like that, they were like massive, they were like [smacks lips]// |
| M941 |
//Goggles? Yeah!// |
| M939 |
//[inaudible] aye.// |
| F940 |
an eh I had a very fashionable p- pink an yelly pair
//an the next year my mum an dad were goin through the holiday brochure// |
| M942 |
//[inaudible]// |
| F940 |
an me an my sister were in the pool an the first thing they spotted was these neon pink an yelly goggles [laugh]
like that swimmin aboot [laugh]. |
| M942 |
Oh we got a guy that wrote in a letter
an normally when they write in letters to us about their holidays or whatever it's to complain about somethin or other so
anyway you never really open a letter wi a, wi a, a generally happy feelin
an he was just goin, "I would like to point out", an you're kinda goin by that point, just the first sentence, you're like, "Oh Christ, what, what, what, what, what could have happened?"
ehm, "I thorough-, thoroughly enjoyed my time with [CENSORED: companyname]'s blah-di-blah-di-blah, ner-ner-ner-ner, ner-ner-ner-ner, and just to inform you that I am, on page seventy-eight of your brochure I am the man in the red top standing behind the ice sculpture.
Could you send me a print of this please?"
//[laugh] No.// |
| F940 |
//Oh you're jokin!// |
| M942 |
So of course we immediately got the brochure out an looked for him.
//He was a bit simple.// |
| F940 |
//[laugh]//
//Was he? [laugh]// |
| M941 |
//Do you think he went on holiday on his own?// |
| M939 |
//[laugh]//
//[inaudible] friends. [laugh]// |
| M942 |
//eh I think he went on holiday with his mum and he is about, by the looks of his picture he was definitely in his early fifties.// |
| M941 |
Well that's nice that he can have that, that sort of time with his mother. |
| M942 |
I think he's not allowed to go out himself! [laugh] |
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