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Document : 712
Title    : The Critter Blether
Author(s): Patrick Vickery

Copyright holder(s): Patrick Vickery

Text

There's a man in Alabama - 'Alabama Man' - with a large garden where he
grows tomatoes, corn, peppers, green beans, turnips and various other
vegetables. He's a design engineer by trade, retired, and one of the people
who designed the moon buggy for the astronauts during their
extraterrestrial travels.  I remember that buggy well. Don't we all?

Now 'Alabama Man'  has  'critters'  in his garden, and these 'critters' are
particularly fond of his green beans.  In other words he has a 'critter'
problem.

The first summer planting went well, apparently, with little or no damage
to speak of, but subsequent plantings went entirely to the 'critters'. They
discovered that green beans were very tasty, you see, and also discovered
that his garden was a good source of supply.

What sort of 'critters' were they?

Chipmunks of course; yes, chipmunks in the garden.  An unusual problem,
that, although obviously not unusual in some parts of Alabama.  Not the
sort of thing, however, that I've come across in Scotland before.  Deer
damage, yes; chipmunks, no. 

Now the solution to this problem was simple (no, he didn't enlist the help
of his former NASA colleagues to dispatch them to the moon). 

Trap them, catch them and then transport them down the road to a peaceful
little valley devoid of vegetables.  A humane solution. 

Now this reminds me of a mouse problem that we had a couple of years ago.
We were redecorating the bedroom at the time, you see, and removed
ourselves to the front room for a couple of nights ("a mattress on the
floor beside the Christmas tree" sort of thing) while the heady 'tang' of
"fresh paint on bedroom wall" dissipated into the atmosphere, when we
became aware of nocturnal rustlings in the vicinity of the Christmas tree. 
Mice, you see, and not just a few of them either, eating chocolate
decorations off the tree.  And to think that we'd blamed the dog.  Silver
paper on the floor - evidence of a chocolate-guzzling dog, obviously,
obviously.  We'd even put him on a strict diet on account of this. Poor
dog.  Quite clearly a miscarriage of justice.

Now there's a saying in these parts:

"There's mooses loose in the hoose."  Or,  "In the hoose, there's mooses
loose."  

But that aside, something had to be done. So we trapped them - just as
'Alabama Man'  had done - using humane traps borrowed from the local
school’s biology department and whisked them off to a neighbouring
village some two miles away.  Another humane solution to a 'critter'
problem. 

Incidentally I asked 'Alabama Man' if the astronauts took vegetables with
them to the moon (or any  other gardening produce for that matter), the
sort of question that instantly springs to mind, isn't it, when you have an
interest in all things horticultural. Apparently they'd taken freeze-dried
vegetables with them, he said, in plastic pouches.

So I wondered - as you do - whether these pouches had a label stuck on the
back, something along the lines of:

"To taste in orbit, simply add moisture"

Now there's an interesting thought.


Dedicated to the late Claude Green ('Alabama Man') Huntsville, Alabama,
USA. 
As well as NASA scientist and gardener – and a ‘chipmunk- friendly’
gardener to boot -   a nice man with a well-developed sense of humour.


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Information about document and author:

Text
Text audience
General public: Audience size: 1000+

Text details
Method of composition: Handwritten
Year of composition: 2003
Word count: 560

Text medium
Periodical/journal: Web (webpages, discussion boards, newsgroups, chat rooms): 
Text publication details
Published: Publisher: Tain and Dornoch Picture Post
Publication year: 2003
Place of publication: Easter Ross
Part of a longer series of texts: Name of series: "Garden Blethers" series

Text setting
Leisure/entertainment: 
Text type
Article: Prose: nonfiction: Short story: 

Author
Author details
Author id: 773
Forenames: Patrick
Surname: Vickery
Gender: Male
Decade of birth: 1950
Educational attainment: University
Age left school: 18

Languages:
Language: English
Speak: Yes
Read: Yes
Write: Yes
Understand: Yes
Circumstances: All the time