SCOTS Project - www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk Document : 114 Title : Nicatine Patches? Author(s): Robert Fairnie Copyright holder(s): Robert Fairnie Text Geordie Jooks’ guid-wife Beenie is an awfu wumman for talkin. Fae the meinit she gits hersel ower the bed in the mornin, tae aboot five meinits efter she faws asleep at nicht, it’s juist talk, talk, talk aw the time. Geordie aye ettles tae keep weel oot the wey as aften as he can for the’r monies the time that a Vickers machine-gun wad be nae match at aw agin Beenie’s tung. But the’r times an aw when he cannae dae ocht aboot it an his tae bide in the hoose an thole the muckle onding fae the mooth o his better hauf. Onless he wis eatin oot at the gowf club, denner times wis yin o thae times he cuidnae jouk. Ower the years he hid lairnt hou tae switch his lugs aff an, at the same time, his tung hid lairnt hou tae gie juist the richt monosyllabic repone noo an again sae that Beenie didnae catch on she wis talkin tae hersel. The words in his automatic leet wis maistlie, “Ay”, “Ay?”, “Naw”, “Uh huh” an the odd, “Is that richt?” But Geordie hid tae awn that this ploy didnae aye work an ilka noo an again he wad git catched oot. This denner time, Beenie hid been gaun her dinger e’er syne they hid sat thirsels doon at the table an wis fairly giein it laldie noo that she hid gotten hersel intae a guid gaun rhythm. “Ken thon Snawface’s Veronica, thon Veronica yin that smokes lik a pouer hoose lum?” “Ay.” “Weel, ye’ll niver guess. She’s stoppit smokin. Twa month noo an niver hid a draw.” “Mm.” “Duin it aw wi thae nicatine patches tae an noo, her sister Sadie says she’s gaun tae try an stop an aw. Can ye imagine thon Sadie yin no smokin? Gin thae patches can git the likes o her tae stop an aw, then A doot they maun be naethin short o miraculous. Ye’d hardly credit whit a wee patch on yer airm cuid dae noo-a-days. Ar you listenin tae me, Geordie? Ye’r no sayin a word thare. Dinnae think A dinnae ken when yer mind’s awa somewhaur else. Ye’r juist like yer faither. Nae doot ye’r wishin ye cuid git patches tae stap fowk talkin an aw. Ay, A ken you, Geordie Jooks.” Geordie’s auto-pilot chynged ower intae manual. “Och, ye can git patches oot the chemist for that areddies.” says he. “Tae stap fowk talkin?” “Ay.” “A didnae ken that. Ye mean ye stick a wee patch on yer airm an that helps ye tae stap talkin?” “Naw, A daurs! Ye hiv tae stick it ower yer bluidie mooth wumman! – Ooouch!” This work is protected by copyright. All rights reserved. The SCOTS Project and the University of Glasgow do not necessarily endorse, support or recommend the views expressed in this document. Information about document and author: Text Text audience Adults (18+): General public: Males: Females: Audience size: 3-5 Text details Method of composition: Wordprocessed Year of composition: 2001 Word count: 465 Text setting Leisure/entertainment: Text type Prose: fiction: Author Author details Author id: 95 Forenames: Robert Surname: Fairnie Gender: Male Decade of birth: 1930 Educational attainment: College Age left school: 16 Upbringing/religious beliefs: Protestantism Occupation: Consultant Marine Structural Engineer (Retired) Place of birth: Musselburgh Region of birth: Midlothian Birthplace CSD dialect area: midLoth Country of birth: Scotland Place of residence: Musselburgh Region of residence: Midlothian Residence CSD dialect area: midLoth Country of residence: Scotland Father's occupation: Fisherman Father's place of birth: Musselburgh Father's region of birth: Midlothian Father's birthplace CSD dialect area: midLoth Father's country of birth: Scotland Mother's occupation: Fishwife Mother's place of birth: Musselburgh Mother's region of birth: Midlothian Mother's birthplace CSD dialect area: midLoth Mother's country of birth: Scotland Languages: Language: English Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: At work Language: German Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: In Germany to communicate with two grandsons Language: Scots Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: Wherever Scots is understood