SCOTS Project - www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk Document : 1396 Title : Dooble Veesion Author(s): Paolo Dante Copyright holder(s): Paolo Dante Text As whillies möldered in der noosts An sheds o tools wir left tae roost, Da boffins pondered tikk an trang Tae fix whit scunnered fock fur lang. Wi innovations kniff an neat Dey made da wirker obsolete (Ae button - at a fingers touch Ithoot compleent did twice as much) An shuin da fock forgot da days Dey'd hedd nae time tae tak der aise, An faur beyond der wheerest dreams Mankind wis lost withoot machines. Noo Willy o da Wart wis glade Tae tak da gaets at man wis made An wisna wan tae murn whit wark Eence burdened man frae dawn till dark, Fur simmers in da paet-hill slaved Wis meenits till a microwave; Nor wis he laetly wint tae glaep A baund o piltocks aff da raep (Tae languish in a shock o trist Wis somethin no dat muckle missed.) For choice o fish der wis nae lack In jugs an tubs an vacuum packs Or fillets flatched in fresh arrays Some clatched in herbs an mayonnaise Or chowdered in a cajun spice Tae shap intil a roog o rice. An every shop da sam wis sprawled Beneath ae ruif in shoppin malls Bit Willy fairly wylecomed yon On days he made his errands run An widda scoffed tae tink dat men Wir slaves tae supermarket chains. In artic lorries stappit full Frae units Sooth o Solihull Da traders cam tae set up stalls An huckle wares in country halls, Whaur money spent - wis money saved Hit tysed you till Aladdin's cave Whaur een might fin a sylky bloose An slacks tae scuff aboot da hoose Or thermal socks an tartan sarks An dungarees tae wear tae wark. Bit Willy o da Wart wis fun Da maust ingenious mastic gun An silicone dat did awau Wi nails a hammer couldna cau; Ae sproitle wi da mearest dadd Wid takk an instant hellish hadd An joost a meention o a smudge Meant somethin never mair wid budge. Whaur lath an plester burst in bruck An screwnails seldom gripped by luck, Whaur een wid verg wi dreels an dooks Da mastic took a splendid sook, An guaranteed tae wirk a traet On ony substance cowld or haet. As Willy wi his gun wis set Tae rig whit lay in sad neglect He tottered up a trap on amp Tae cure da gavel-end frae damp An pumpit til da tube wis don Tae point da holls atween da ston. Dan guddlin in a gurmy elt He squaashed da blisters in da felt An clestered flashins roond da lum Tae hadd fur sure till kingdom come Dan triggin up a laiky skew Faur tighter as da QE2 He tore on trow da hömin dark An clewed-up aa da ootside wark. Weel kent as wan tae tak a toit He buldered bauk-high ben tae bloit, Whaur widchip hingin aff da coomb Wis sortit wi a slestered toom, Dan hockin oot da flissy bruck Frae windows mootened saft as muck He titivated herd as auk Da wid dat spleetered wi a pock. Whan twartree tubes o winder glue Wis fixed da hoose up good as new, Wi fingers clortit in a gub He gie his yucky eyes a rub (Tae fin whit else da stuff could dö) Da eyelids stuck laek lempets tö! As Willy wauvelled laek a hoe An paced da fluir in circles slow He made a plan wi wits held good Tae mak da Doctor's if he could An saw nae point in phonin while He couldna see a stime tae dial, Bit towt hit fully better still Tae hug da daek across da hill Dan trivvellin fur his meids a start Gyaun bi da hadd he crossed da Wart. Wi weepy een au clagged an gurred A hundir horrid towts occurred Da warst o which - da consequence O reffelin in a prickly fence Fur wha might fin 'im trow da night Afore da craws an blackbacks might? He might geng backlins ida stanks Or joost as blinnd buks ower da banks, Fur ae wrang fit - wis wan enyoch Tae fin him flottin in a loch, Or maybe crippled in a craub Whaur rickly daeks wir laek tae raub Fur streenge tae say - da age wis gone Whaur men hedd vynd tae wirk wi stonn. Bit wha could faut da Heuken daek Aless in China - few wir laek! A hundir years or mair it stuid Frae Jeemie Maunson swaeted bluid An seemed nae different frae da day Hit first wis quarried fresh frae clay. A hundir years - da sam tae come Frae Jeemie Maunson blinked 'im plumb Dan ran 'im wi a steady eye As streyht an true as ony die Frae Caldback's hill tae Colvadeel An aa fur just a scaur o meal, An no wan single slap wis run Frae Jeemie took da rodd tae Lund. Noo Jeemie Maunson's wirk o art Wid guide him blinnd across da Wart. Beelt wi a skill he kent, fur maust, Wis somethin mankind lang wis lost. An whit's da price dey'd come tae pey Fur slooin in der langsome wey? Da time tae stop an gie a sink Wis shuiner dan dey daured tae tink! Fur mankind couldna gie a fart Aless for curves on profit charts. Dey gaered da eart till wan bi wan Da cogs an wheels laek clockwirk ran. Bit time wid see da system snurl Fur au dey uggled, proaged an purled Tae saeze intil a souwin lump Ithoot a sipe o oil tae pump. Wi athing laid in coom an croil Frae shergin ower da dreegs o oil. He saw da eart au sindry smushed An au dat man devised in drush. Ithoot da oil dey hedd nae pooer Tae ploo da laund or grinnd da flooer, Tae fire a baker's oven haet Or freyht da freshly slowtered maet. An wha sae kibby or sae whick At still hedd cast tae swing a pick Might burro doon a hockit holl An turn 'im eence agien tae coll? Wha noo could clap a horse tae shaers An set aff streyht an hadd 'im dere Tae laeve a park o girsy fiels Turned upside doon in muildy dreels? An wha might set a tautie seed An keep it haeped an howed frae weed? Or tak da mödow's golden footh An mak hit maet fur human mooth? An wha wid keen whit meids wir fur Da turbot holls an olick scur Or wing a whilly oot da voe Tae set his creels in waury geos? An run his dorro boddam deep Wi piltocks pinnin at da fleet? Na, shurley man wid coont da cost, Fur aa his laer - da laer wis lost! Reeseled frae his bed wi roars An rongs dat dundered on da door Da panic stricken Doctor raise An fled doonstairs in bunkseled claes. A swittle wi an Optrex waash Shuin saftened up da sturkened lash Dan joost a dight o Vaseline Tae hinder dem tae stick agien An Willy left da Doctor's door His veesion true an sight restored An telt da Doctor, 'Never seem,' Refusin swift a lift back hiem. He grointed, 'Nah! Bit tanks da sam,' Dan made fur hom da wey he cam. This work is protected by copyright. All rights reserved. The SCOTS Project and the University of Glasgow do not necessarily endorse, support or recommend the views expressed in this document. Information about document and author: Text Text audience Adults (18+): General public: Audience size: 1000+ Text details Method of composition: Wordprocessed Year of composition: 2005 Word count: 1216 Text medium Magazine (e-zine): Text publication details Published: Publication year: 2005 Place of publication: Shetland Part of larger text: Contained in: The New Shetlander, no. 233 Editor: Laureen Johnson and Brian Smith Page numbers: 9-10 Text setting Journalism: Text type Poem/song/ballad: Author Author details Author id: 970 Forenames: Paolo Surname: Dante Gender: Male Decade of birth: 1960 Educational attainment: Highers/A-levels Age left school: 17 Upbringing/religious beliefs: Protestantism Occupation: Waiter / chef Place of birth: Lerwick Region of birth: Shetland Birthplace CSD dialect area: Sh Country of birth: Scotland Place of residence: Edinburgh Region of residence: Midlothian Residence CSD dialect area: midLoth Country of residence: Scotland Father's occupation: Builder Languages: Language: Dutch; Flemish Speak: Yes Read: No Write: No Understand: Yes Circumstances: At work Language: English Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: At home, at work Language: Italian Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: At home, at work Language: Spanish; Castilian Speak: Yes Read: No Write: No Understand: Yes Circumstances: At work