SCOTS Project - www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk Document : 29 Title : Awfy thochts: The closemouth jottings of Wullie MacKersall Author(s): Michael Hamish Glen Copyright holder(s): Michael Hamish Glen Text HUMAN FRAILTY GET AHEAD In the pictures Ernie sat Ahint a biddy In a hat. He asked her nice Tae tak it aff. 'Awa an bile Yir heid, ye nyaff.' NOSE JOB Auld Shuey's neb Has aye a drip, Hingin doon Frae aff the tip. It's great tae watch It mak its trip Doon ower his 'tache On tae his lip. NIGHT SHIFT Ah'm no a clype But Jean McPartan Is wan stripe short O ony tartan. Hings her washing Oot at nicht Because her claes are Sic a sicht! COMELY BANK Arthur Hendry's Made some money. Mairrit weel an Cries her 'Honey'. Noo each nicht they're Drinking plonk, An livin doon in Kimly Bonk. BILE TAM Tammie Burns Has had a bile, Oan his neck fur Quite a while. It wis unco Sair at first. Noo it's throbbin Fit tae burst. FIT LIKE We've got a lassie Alang wir street Wi wee short legs An muckle feet. The shoeshop man Says 'Aw that fits Is this auld pair O navvy's bits'. WELL SPOTTED Ah've a china, He's cried Luke. Ye can tell him By his plook. It's oan his neb Jist tae wan side. Each time he looks He gangs cross-eyed. REAR VIEW Auld Erchie's nearly Reached a hunner. 'Life,' he says, 'is Sic a scunner. Ma freen's aw deid, Aye, every felly. Aw Ah can dae is Watch the telly.' UNCOOPERATIVE Yon Betty's maw, Ye hae tae chivvy Tae ask the Store Tae pey her divi. It's aw because She thinks it posh Tae say she disnae Need the dosh. FRANKLY Mrs Campbell Up the road's Got a face like An ugly toad's. Forbye her figure's Like a tramp's. She'd look weel Oan postage stamps. LAST ORDERS 'Ca the doctor, Ah'm Near tae deein.' 'Dinnae be daft, ye Cam hame fleein.' 'Haud yer wheest, ye Wilfu wumman. This time Ah ken ma End is comin.' END OF THE DAY Ma shift is done, Ma legs is sair, Ah cannae even Climb the stair. Ah'll need tae wait Here fur the wife, And she can gie The kiss o life. BLINDING RAIN 'Jeez' said Jessie, 'See that felly, The wan ablow Yon umbarelly. He cannae see Whit wey tae go, He keeps that brolly Doon so low.' SEASONS GREETING Kenny's heid is Big an bald. An in the winter It gets cauld. But summer disnae Mak him smile. Fur then his heid Jist starts tae bile. UP IN SMOKE An awfy wumman Is Muckle Maggs. 'Sees an len us Twa-three fags.' That's it fur ivver - Lay yir bets. Fur Muckle Maggs'll No pey her debts. BIRD OF PREY Fiona Finlay's Voice is freaky. But then of course She bides Auld Reekie. She's got a physog Like a vulture. Aye moans that Glesca's Got nae culture. COLOURFAST Ah had a van, It wis yelly. Ah jist loved Tae gie it welly. Then the polis Got ower nifty An pulled me in Fur daeing fifty. BENIGN Jessie Black is Fat an flabby. Nivver mind her Legs is scabby. But Jessie boasts Wan saving grace. A cheerful smile Upon her face. ANIMAL KINGDOM DEEP CHEEP Ah had a budgie, It was blue; Lived in the cludgie, Next tae the loo. Doon came the cistern, Wi a muckle rush, Noo ma budgie's Jist a busted flush. WHY? Wee Effie's pony Is a Sheltie. She tellt me she had Cried it Kelty. Ah said 'Ah beg yir Pardon, hen, Ye should hae cried it Cardenden.' NIFTIE SHOOGLE Ma black kittlin, She's cried Dougal, Caught a moose An made it shoogle. Then she flang it Ower her heid. Dougal geegled. but The moose is deid. POLITICS Ah've a parrot She's cried Dolly She's jist a clone O wan cried Polly. Polly's life is Steeped in crime. She's ate a clock and Cannae pass the time. ROTARY CLUB Ma lassie's hamster's No big deal. Aw it does is Birl its wheel. Wee legs paidlin Fur hours oan end. Really drives ye Roon the bend. NICHT HOWL Ma hairy duggie Rins aff frae fowk. Ma big Shuggie's A feardie-gowk. Shuggie's even Feart fur the dark. Pit oot the licht An he's feart tae bark. PET FOOD Ma big rabbit Wis a stotter. Then next door's whippet Went an got 'er. Ma big Bessie Wis a beezer. Noo she's heidless In the freezer. HOT DOG Ah ken a wumman In oor street Whose mongrel bitch is Aye oan heat. It staps ma Rover. Frae his growlin. But starts him aff Oan constant howlin. DEVERMINED Mrs Bellman Chased a moose Roon an roon an Roon her hoose. When she trapped it, That wis that. Until she had tae Chase a rat. SHELL SHOCK Ah've a tortoise Name o Speedy Fur when he eats He's awfy greedy. Ah tellt him no Tae lose the heid. But noo he has, Ah'm feart he's deid. FELINE FINE My neebor's got A lovely pussy. Her bidie-in has Named it Lucy. He strokes it till He hears her purr. He says he loves The feel o fur. BITER BIT Ma wee brither Ate a wasp When he stole A juicy rasp. Noo he's back in Walter's gairden. Stung intae A plea fur pairdon. FELLOW MAN GETTING PERSONAL 'Jeez, Rab, ye nivver Wash that simmit. Yir hygiene's really Past the limit.' 'Ma drawers, Jamesy, Are something else. They'd walk roon Govan By theirsels.' BLOOD BROTHER Tammy killed his Brither Roddy. Cut airms an legs Frae aff his body. Pit them in an Auld bin liner, An threw it in The Molendinar. ENVY MANSION Archie's rolling, Bides in Perth. Disnae ken whit He is worth. His hoose has got A big lang drive. Taks half an hour Till ye arrive. SPARE TOOL See yon daft warder Doon the jile. The wan that smuggled. Oot a file? Noo he's gone an Got the sack. Fur aw the prisoners Need it back. A POKE OF PEACE Dylan Broon Wis wance a hippy. Noo he runs the Local chippy. Ye can tell Afore ye pass That what ye smell Is frying grass. ISLAND CLAN Ma pal Angus Wears the kilt; The tartan looks Like puke's been spilt. He jist laughs - 'Tak tent, big man: This came cheap From yon Taiwan'. FIZZY WATER OF LIFE Jock boastit he wid Nick some booze. The polis watched which Truck he'd choose. Then chased ten tons O Irn-Bru Wi flashing lights An siren too. WITH APOLOGIES A bridie fur me, A bridie fur me. If it's no a bridie, Ah'll no eat ma tea. A meat pie is braw, A sausage an aw, But a tasty wee bridie's The best o them aw. UM CONN-ER-Y 'Arise Sir Sean, you're Now a knight'. 'Um, hell,' says Donald, 'That's, er, not right. The Nats will put you On, um, parade. And leave New Labour In, er, the shade.' NEXT GENERATION POCKET PACKET The toffee wrapper Aye cam loose. Ye had tae pick aff Aw the oose. In the school the Toffee meltit. Sook it there an Ye got beltit. MOTHER'S PRIDE Ma fower weans Is at the skweel. The headie says They're daeing weel. John's great at stealin, Bill at leein. Anne clypes the best An Jean's aye peein. COLD COMFORT Yon wee Sandy, At Number Twa, Killed hissel Frae eating snaw. Noo, if he had been A polar bear, He wud still be Biding there. BURSTING Wee Josie say Wi legs ticht crosst. His anguish caused By winter frost. The seat was dry but He wid spoil it If teacher kept him Frae the toilet. PAINFUL When Ah saw Mrs Menzies' weans, Brekking aw the Windae panes, Ah loupt up frae Ma chair an yellt, 'See an wait Till Ah get ma belt.' UNSOUND Ryan's jist a Skivin waster. His ghetto blaster Cracks the plaister. His faither yells 'Aw gies a brek. Ye'll mak this hoose A nervous wreck.' LAW 'N' DRY Big Jocky's legs Went holus-bolus. When he wis running Frae the polis. They nabbed him sclimmin Oot the Clyde. 'Ye'll warm up, son, When ye're inside.' FANTASTIC Wee Lizzie hid her Scraps an stickers Oot o sicht inside Her knickers. She tried tae swop them Wi her chum But foon they'd aw stuck Tae her bum. SWEET NOTHINGS Jimmy's language Fouls the gutter. His mither says it Cuts nae butter. Says he'll nivver Pull the burds If he's aye using Sweery words. WIDER WORLD NEWS ITEM Auld Embra's got Its Parlyment. Ah ken 'cause me An Charlie went. Will Nats an Tories, In cahoots, Ding doon big Donald? Ah hae ma doots. RUBBISH Last nicht the gale Played fast an loose. It blew oor wheelie Ben the hoose. It slaistered clart Aw ower the flair An blew the stour Richt up the stair. COMIC TURN Tod's lassie aye Taks aw her Beanos Fur lads she meets in Torremolinos. Ah wonder if she'll Climb the Andes, Tae dae a swop Wi local Dandies. TALK OF LOYALTY We go wur hollies Doon the Watter. We only dae it Fur the patter. It's no that Millport's Lost its charm It's jist it's no That unco warm. GO EAST YOUNG MAN Mick took Tina Fur a drive. Aw the wey Tae Moniaive. 'It's no exactly Fu o life. We'd done better Gawn tae Fife.' WRONG NOTE Music hath charms Ma teacher said. But no the kind That he aye played. See that composer Cried Tchaikovsky? Three bars frae him An that's me offski. DILEMMA The wind has blew, The rain has fell. Life in Paisley's Soaking hell. We'd gang tae Spain Jist like a shot. But then we'd moan It's far too hot. WELL REPRESENTED Noo we've got An MSP Things are fine In Polmadie. We've also got An MP tae. Whit the hell dae They aw dae? DOUBLE OR QUITS Pauline Grey's Expectin twins. They've got nae faither Fur her sins. A single mum has Lots o trouble. She'll be aw richt, She'll be a double! PAN-LOAF GRAFFITI Gang slogans were A warning tide. Even doon in Morningside. Beside the Store they Dared tae say: 'Mental Scrotum Rules OK'. GREAT DIVIDE In Glesca, chips frae Ony shop Hae vinegar an Saut oan top. In Embra, nae wan Gies a toss When chips are droont In saut 'n sauce. COLOUR PREJUDICE Gawn tae Ibrox Has is dangers If ye dinnae Follow Rangers. Ah have tae say The same is true, Gawn tae Parkheid Dressed in blue. THE FAMILY HAMMERED My wee brother Went tae jail; Aw he pinched Was yin big nail. In the court He heard the judge Say 'This'll fix you - You'll no budge'. JOURNEY INTO SPACE Ma granny's name Is Mary Jane. She's nivver flew 'N an airy plane. 'There's no a road Sign in the sky. So hoo's the pilot Ken the wey?' MENTIONABLES Ah've a sister She's cried Jeannie, Keeps her knickers In her peenie. 'Saves the washing, An it's handy When the meenister Gets ower randy.' FOOTSORE Ma ither sister She's cried Nelly She got seek frae A hole 'n her welly. 'Awww' she greeted, 'Ma pair belly; An whit is mair Ma buit's aw smelly.' EXECRABLE Ma big brither He's cried Wattie. Ah think's he's Jist ower snottie. Saw me winchin Wi ma burd. Said he'd seen a Bonnier turd. SWEETNESS Ma mither's kind tae Aw her lodgers. She used tae feed them Jammy Dodgers. But noo she thinks Their health is safer If aw they get's a Tunnock wafer. RACISM Ah've a cousin He's cried Jack. Spends his days At the duggie track. Wance he bet on 'Fair o Face' But it cocked its leg An lost the race. ANTICLIMAX Ah've an auntie Lives oan Skye, Gangs aboot In a shirt an tie. Her legs is hairy An she wears a beard. Ah think ma Auntie's A wee bit wierd. LOST HIS BITE Ma grandad's teeth Fell doon the pan. An so he shouted Oan ma nan. 'Aw Christ' he said, 'They're fu o shite, Ah think Ah've lost Ma appetite.' GAUDEAMUS Ma paw's a scaffy Wi a BSC. Brush, shovel an cairt Fur aw tae see. When he sweeps past St Andrews younie He always wears A wee red gounie. JUST THE TICKET Ma auld granny Maks a fuss Every time she Taks the bus. She tells the driver, 'It's jist no fair Tae pey sae much Frae here tae there'. ROUGH ROAD Ah've an uncle He's cried Sam. Used tae drive A shoogly tram. He lost his job Fur gawn oan strike. Noo he rides A shoogly bike. IN THE MOUTH Ma ither uncle Lives in Leith. Aw he's got is Three front teeth. He cannae bite, He cannae chew; Aw he eats is Tattie stew. HEN RUN See oor Ella? She's some mover, Speshly when she Shoves her Hoover. She fair wiggles Her bahookie, As if she's still A teenage chukie. HORSEY FOLK Ma posh cousin Bides in Fife. Cut her accent Wi a knife. She rides her cuddy Oot near Cupar. I think it must be Jolly super! OUTLOOK BLEAK Ma auld auntie She's cried Phemie; Named her hoose The Milngavie Steamie. Aw her neebors Come tae blether, An talk aboot The bloody weather. ON THE DOLL Ma sister Beth Wears sexy panties; Says she got them At her auntie's. But we aw ken That that's no true. She used her dole Frae aff the B'roo. HOUSE HUSBAND The sun's come oot, The world is happy. Ah've even changed The bairnie's nappy. Oh life is joyfu. Perfect, smashin. Except Ah've got tae Dae the washin. FRAILTIES OF THE FLESH A CUP OF LOVE There's a lassie, She's cried Ina; Says she'd like Tae be ma china. That's jist daft, I tried tae tell her; A china has Tae be a fella. LIE-DE-LOW Ma freen frae Ayr Is no heid bummer O twenty reidcoats In the summer. A lass frae Skinflats Got ower pally. An dragged him in Tae her wee chalet. CANDLEPOWER Ellen Bogle Lives oan oor stair; She's seiven bairns Or maybe mair. There's no a man That's been in sicht Perhaps the weans Are drawn by licht. BOTHWELL STREET Mandy Nelson's Oan the game. Her sister Jacquie's Jist the same. Every nicht they Tak their places, Shilpit weans wi Peaky faces. TRANSPORT OF JOY 'Rab loves Suzi, She's a belter.' So it says on Oor bus shelter. When Rab's bus came, He leapt aboard. Tellt the driver, 'Ma team just scored!' WRONG RITES Faither Brendan Sees a lass, Every Sunday Efter mass. Her een are crossed, Her legs are bandy. That disnae stap The houghmagandie. INNER DARKNESS Faither Finbar's Jist the same, Except his burd Is some auld dame. Oan his knees he Prays tae Jesus. 'Ah hope tae God That nae wan sees us.' BARE FACTS Melanie Bides doon the street. Likes tae gie Her man a treat. It's no so much That she is flighty. But you should see Her see-through nightie! BOY'S OWN Yon Nathan Watt Bides up oor stair. His body's like A maiden's prayer. But then we heard The awfy truth. He's shacking up wi Walter Booth. THE ART OF TRYING QUICK ON THE DRAW Bud Neill invented Lobey Dosser. Rank Bajin too, the Evil tosser. The cartoon men Were aw agreed. 'The man's immortal. Shame he's deid.' WASH OUT When Trina's taps Went oan the blink, The plumber went An broke the sink. 'Oh Holy mither, Help ma boab. This man's a barmpot At his job.' TATTIE JAIKET See that neep-heid, Bides next door? Cuts his gress Wi a motor mower. He got sweetin an Drapt his jaiket. Mowed aff the buttons, He's that glaikit. DAE IT YIRSEL Joe the penter Kens his trade. Lays the pent on Wi a spade. Hings the paper Tapsalteerie. Says it keeps him Feelin cheery. SLOPE OFF Tracey's skis Got in a fankle. She went an broke Her bloody ankle. Noo her leg's aw Wrapt in plaster. Skiing's just a Big disaster. PISTE OFF Tracey's Wayne Went skiing tae. Thocht he kent Jist whit tae dae. He didnae ken He wis a rookie. Noo his airm is Stuck in stookie. BARRED Shakespeare's plays Are gey historic, Wi funny fowk Like Lear an Yorick. But nane o us Is that euphoric. Fur Wullie couldna Scrieve the Doric. HIGH LIFE Dick an Jen are In a trap Wi jobs in commerce At the tap. Forbye the stresses An the strains O livin oot in Davy Mains. FLESH POT Bert the butcher Cannae be beat Fur the wey He keeps his meat. He's getting auld but His wife is young. Says she likes Her man well hung. LIQUID WORDS Jack Barr's a writer; Says his muse Arrives when he Is oan the booze. Ah think his work Is pure atrocious. But Ah'll no read it Unless Ah'm stotious. HIGH NOTE Wendy Wilson's In the choir. Got a voice like Red hot fire. But she's sae feart Aboot her singin' Her oxters end up Really mingin. NOT LIKE SOME Yon Nigel thinks He's quite a poet. Aw Ah can say He disnae show it. He cannae rhyme, His words is lang. An nearly aw his Spellin's wrang. CLEAN AWAY Big Hector's got A lot o brains. It's jist a waste Fur clearing drains. But Hector says 'wan Day, Ah'm sure, Ah'll be the boss O every sewer.' FRENCH LEAVE Esme learnt tae Dance at Molly's. Noo she's gone tae Join the Folies. She puts sequins Oan her tits. Kicks her legs an Does the splits. SIGH OF RELIEF There's room doon here Fur wan mair pome, Tae mak fu use o This wee tome Ach, nivver heed, Ah'm awa tae ma bed. Ah'll hae tae leave a Space instead. RAVE REVIEW See this wee book - It's fu o pap, Tosh an drivel; It's maistly crap. Ah think that Wullie Shouldnae write When aw he does Is peddle shite. This work is protected by copyright. All rights reserved. The SCOTS Project and the University of Glasgow do not necessarily endorse, support or recommend the views expressed in this document. Information about document and author: Text Text audience Adults (18+): Teenagers (13-17): General public: Audience size: 6-20 Writer knew intended audience: Text details Method of composition: Wordprocessed Year of composition: 2000 Word count: 3176 General description: Series of eight line, two stanza verses Text medium Book: Other: Private distribution Text setting Private/personal: Other: Personal amusement Text type Poem/song/ballad: Author Author details Author id: 609 Forenames: Michael Hamish Surname: Glen Gender: Male Decade of birth: 1940 Educational attainment: Highers/A-levels Age left school: 18 Upbringing/religious beliefs: Atheist Occupation: Writer/Heritage management consultant Place of birth: Bearsden Region of birth: Dunbarton Birthplace CSD dialect area: Dnbt Country of birth: Scotland Place of residence: Tarbert Region of residence: Argyll Residence CSD dialect area: Arg Country of residence: Scotland Father's occupation: Chartered Accountant Father's place of birth: Cambuslang Father's region of birth: Lanark Father's birthplace CSD dialect area: Lnk Father's country of birth: Scotland Mother's occupation: Lawyer Mother's place of birth: Glasgow Mother's region of birth: Glasgow Mother's birthplace CSD dialect area: Gsw Mother's country of birth: Scotland Languages: Language: English Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: All circumstances Language: French Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: On holiday, not entirely fluent Language: Gaelic; Scottish Gaelic Speak: No Read: No Write: Yes Understand: No Circumstances: Used in commissioned writing with help of speakers Language: Italian Speak: Yes Read: No Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: A little written and spoken Language: Scots Speak: Yes Read: Yes Write: Yes Understand: Yes Circumstances: In commissioned and personal writing and conversat