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Document 1396

Dooble Veesion

Author(s): Paolo Dante

Copyright holder(s): Paolo Dante

Text

As whillies möldered in der noosts
An sheds o tools wir left tae roost,
Da boffins pondered tikk an trang
Tae fix whit scunnered fock fur lang.
Wi innovations kniff an neat
Dey made da wirker obsolete
(Ae button - at a fingers touch
Ithoot compleent did twice as much)
An shuin da fock forgot da days
Dey'd hedd nae time tae tak der aise,
An faur beyond der wheerest dreams
Mankind wis lost withoot machines.

Noo Willy o da Wart wis glade
Tae tak da gaets at man wis made
An wisna wan tae murn whit wark
Eence burdened man frae dawn till dark,
Fur simmers in da paet-hill slaved
Wis meenits till a microwave;
Nor wis he laetly wint tae glaep
A baund o piltocks aff da raep
(Tae languish in a shock o trist
Wis somethin no dat muckle missed.)
For choice o fish der wis nae lack
In jugs an tubs an vacuum packs
Or fillets flatched in fresh arrays
Some clatched in herbs an mayonnaise
Or chowdered in a cajun spice
Tae shap intil a roog o rice.
An every shop da sam wis sprawled
Beneath ae ruif in shoppin malls
Bit Willy fairly wylecomed yon
On days he made his errands run
An widda scoffed tae tink dat men
Wir slaves tae supermarket chains.

In artic lorries stappit full
Frae units Sooth o Solihull
Da traders cam tae set up stalls
An huckle wares in country halls,
Whaur money spent - wis money saved
Hit tysed you till Aladdin's cave
Whaur een might fin a sylky bloose
An slacks tae scuff aboot da hoose
Or thermal socks an tartan sarks
An dungarees tae wear tae wark.

Bit Willy o da Wart wis fun
Da maust ingenious mastic gun
An silicone dat did awau
Wi nails a hammer couldna cau;
Ae sproitle wi da mearest dadd
Wid takk an instant hellish hadd
An joost a meention o a smudge
Meant somethin never mair wid budge.
Whaur lath an plester burst in bruck
An screwnails seldom gripped by luck,
Whaur een wid verg wi dreels an dooks
Da mastic took a splendid sook,
An guaranteed tae wirk a traet
On ony substance cowld or haet.

As Willy wi his gun wis set
Tae rig whit lay in sad neglect
He tottered up a trap on amp
Tae cure da gavel-end frae damp
An pumpit til da tube wis don
Tae point da holls atween da ston.
Dan guddlin in a gurmy elt
He squaashed da blisters in da felt
An clestered flashins roond da lum
Tae hadd fur sure till kingdom come
Dan triggin up a laiky skew
Faur tighter as da QE2
He tore on trow da hömin dark
An clewed-up aa da ootside wark.

Weel kent as wan tae tak a toit
He buldered bauk-high ben tae bloit,
Whaur widchip hingin aff da coomb
Wis sortit wi a slestered toom,
Dan hockin oot da flissy bruck
Frae windows mootened saft as muck
He titivated herd as auk
Da wid dat spleetered wi a pock.
Whan twartree tubes o winder glue
Wis fixed da hoose up good as new,
Wi fingers clortit in a gub
He gie his yucky eyes a rub
(Tae fin whit else da stuff could dö)
Da eyelids stuck laek lempets tö!

As Willy wauvelled laek a hoe
An paced da fluir in circles slow
He made a plan wi wits held good
Tae mak da Doctor's if he could
An saw nae point in phonin while
He couldna see a stime tae dial,
Bit towt hit fully better still
Tae hug da daek across da hill
Dan trivvellin fur his meids a start
Gyaun bi da hadd he crossed da Wart.

Wi weepy een au clagged an gurred
A hundir horrid towts occurred
Da warst o which - da consequence
O reffelin in a prickly fence
Fur wha might fin 'im trow da night
Afore da craws an blackbacks might?
He might geng backlins ida stanks
Or joost as blinnd buks ower da banks,
Fur ae wrang fit - wis wan enyoch
Tae fin him flottin in a loch,
Or maybe crippled in a craub
Whaur rickly daeks wir laek tae raub
Fur streenge tae say - da age wis gone
Whaur men hedd vynd tae wirk wi stonn.

Bit wha could faut da Heuken daek
Aless in China - few wir laek!
A hundir years or mair it stuid
Frae Jeemie Maunson swaeted bluid
An seemed nae different frae da day
Hit first wis quarried fresh frae clay.
A hundir years - da sam tae come
Frae Jeemie Maunson blinked 'im plumb
Dan ran 'im wi a steady eye
As streyht an true as ony die
Frae Caldback's hill tae Colvadeel
An aa fur just a scaur o meal,
An no wan single slap wis run
Frae Jeemie took da rodd tae Lund.

Noo Jeemie Maunson's wirk o art
Wid guide him blinnd across da Wart.
Beelt wi a skill he kent, fur maust,
Wis somethin mankind lang wis lost.
An whit's da price dey'd come tae pey
Fur slooin in der langsome wey?
Da time tae stop an gie a sink
Wis shuiner dan dey daured tae tink!
Fur mankind couldna gie a fart
Aless for curves on profit charts.
Dey gaered da eart till wan bi wan
Da cogs an wheels laek clockwirk ran.
Bit time wid see da system snurl
Fur au dey uggled, proaged an purled
Tae saeze intil a souwin lump
Ithoot a sipe o oil tae pump.

Wi athing laid in coom an croil
Frae shergin ower da dreegs o oil.
He saw da eart au sindry smushed
An au dat man devised in drush.
Ithoot da oil dey hedd nae pooer
Tae ploo da laund or grinnd da flooer,
Tae fire a baker's oven haet
Or freyht da freshly slowtered maet.
An wha sae kibby or sae whick
At still hedd cast tae swing a pick
Might burro doon a hockit holl
An turn 'im eence agien tae coll?

Wha noo could clap a horse tae shaers
An set aff streyht an hadd 'im dere
Tae laeve a park o girsy fiels
Turned upside doon in muildy dreels?
An wha might set a tautie seed
An keep it haeped an howed frae weed?
Or tak da mödow's golden footh
An mak hit maet fur human mooth?
An wha wid keen whit meids wir fur
Da turbot holls an olick scur
Or wing a whilly oot da voe
Tae set his creels in waury geos?
An run his dorro boddam deep
Wi piltocks pinnin at da fleet?
Na, shurley man wid coont da cost,
Fur aa his laer - da laer wis lost!

Reeseled frae his bed wi roars
An rongs dat dundered on da door
Da panic stricken Doctor raise
An fled doonstairs in bunkseled claes.
A swittle wi an Optrex waash
Shuin saftened up da sturkened lash
Dan joost a dight o Vaseline
Tae hinder dem tae stick agien
An Willy left da Doctor's door
His veesion true an sight restored
An telt da Doctor, 'Never seem,'
Refusin swift a lift back hiem.
He grointed, 'Nah! Bit tanks da sam,'
Dan made fur hom da wey he cam.

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Cite this Document

APA Style:

Dooble Veesion. 2021. In The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. Glasgow: University of Glasgow. Retrieved January 2021, from http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=1396.

MLA Style:

"Dooble Veesion." The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. Glasgow: University of Glasgow, 2021. Web. January 2021. http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=1396.

Chicago Style

The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech, s.v., "Dooble Veesion," accessed January 2021, http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk/document/?documentid=1396.

If your style guide prefers a single bibliography entry for this resource, we recommend:

The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. 2021. Glasgow: University of Glasgow. http://www.scottishcorpus.ac.uk.

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Information about Document 1396

Dooble Veesion

Text

Text audience

Adults (18+)
General public
Audience size 1000+

Text details

Method of composition Wordprocessed
Year of composition 2005
Word count 1216

Text medium

Magazine (e-zine)

Text publication details

Published
Publication year 2005
Place of publication Shetland
Part of larger text
Contained in The New Shetlander, no. 233
Editor Laureen Johnson and Brian Smith
Page numbers 9-10

Text setting

Journalism

Text type

Poem/song/ballad

Author

Author details

Author id 970
Forenames Paolo
Surname Dante
Gender Male
Decade of birth 1960
Educational attainment Highers/A-levels
Age left school 17
Upbringing/religious beliefs Protestantism
Occupation Waiter / chef
Place of birth Lerwick
Region of birth Shetland
Birthplace CSD dialect area Sh
Country of birth Scotland
Place of residence Edinburgh
Region of residence Midlothian
Residence CSD dialect area midLoth
Country of residence Scotland
Father's occupation Builder

Languages

Language Speak Read Write Understand Circumstances
Dutch; Flemish Yes No No Yes At work
English Yes Yes Yes Yes At home, at work
Italian Yes Yes Yes Yes At home, at work
Spanish; Castilian Yes No No Yes At work

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