Document 600

Deadly Weapons

Author(s): Cecilia Grainger

Copyright holder(s): Cecilia Grainger

This document contains strong or offensive language


Stew 30’s Dimps 20’s Cammy 20’s Steve 20’s Ed 30’s

Stew and Dimps lie curled up on the floor of a large allotment shed; they are facing each other. There are several large cushions placed around the floor of the shED.
Gardening tools etc. are stacked around and on shelves.
A flip chart stands in one corner; punch bag; boxing gloves, some weights, skipping ropes, beach ball. On a ledge there is a kettle, and 60’s red transistor radio. Close by sits a stool; nearby lies a huge pile of old newspapers
Sound of a generator can be heard

DIMPS. Screams loudly

Stew holds Dimps

Long Silence

STEW. Yi there yet Dimps; yi surfaced fi the fog?

DIMPS. Moans quietly

STEW. Gave yursell a right graze you huv; couple o splinters lodged in there… (Steve touches Dimps’ forehead)

Dimps has a very bad stammer

DIMPS. Red as blood that fog…drifts in at mah feet; then puffs up ti mah brain… (He starts to get up)

Stew makes to help Dimps

DIMPS. HEY HEY…OK OK…cool Ah’m cool… (He pushes Stew away)

Dimps rushes to the wall starts banging his head on it

STEW. Dimps mah man, talk ti mi; face mi tell mi…?

Dimps falls to his knees; Stew kneels beside him

DIMPS. Bad fuckin week Stew…bad, hit the sauce again…three day bender…

STEW. Sober now though, ih?

DIMPS. Andrea’s telt mi…hur or the drink!

STEW. She’s the best thing thit’s happened ti you in a…

DIMPS. Dey go there Stew, if she ever funds oot, funds oot thit him an me…fuck sake!

STEW. Part o the abusers power is?

DIMPS. (Pause) Gittin the victim ti keep the secret…

STEW. Huv yi touched the drink since?

DIMPS. (Pause) Fuck sake, is this an AA meetin or what?

STEW. Kin be if yi need / it ti be

DIMPS. AH KEN WHAT AH NEED…need ti kill that scum…git rid o um…git his stench oot mah nose; oot mah mooth…destroy um.

STEW. Kin yi dae it: athoot gittin fund oot?

DIMPS. Aw here wi go…Captain fuckin Sensible.

STEW. Gonnae dae a stretch fur a lump o sewage?

DIMPS. (Pause) How come you’ve got clean; got dry?

STEW. Wanted ti!

DIMPS. So dae Ah!

STEW. You’re still hingin oan ti yur need ti fail; ti be ooti control, that’s why yur still hittin the drugs an drink.

DIMPS. (Pause) How else dae Ah git a break fi the anger; the self hate? (Bites his nails)

STEW. Decide if yi wanti join me…join the others?

DIMPS. Tough love? Fuckin primal scream shite…?

STEW. Rules in here ur set Dimps. You come in under the influence; yi lit everybody doon? Rules Dimps?

DIMPS. AYE AYE right…but…but…

STEW. When yi wanti ti git stoned; git pissed phone us: we come roond; sit oan yi if need be, tough love!

DIMPS. AYE AYE right, but…

STEW. When the anger; the self hate rushes through yur brain: let rip, primal scream! (Pause) Yiv every right ti be angry…

DIMPS. AYE AYE, in a / supervised; controlled enviorment…

STEW. Supervised; controlled enviorment…join us: we’re clean; we’re dry.

DIMPS. Fuckin ponsin aboot in here; screamin oor balls off?

STEW. An the job? Yur back ti yur trade, greae an oil aw ower yur bridie an chips?

DIMPS. Went doon the garage oan Wednesday. Frank’s a great boss: Ah’m muckin um aboot. (Bites his nails)

STEW. Noh telt um yit?

DIMPS. Aboot that? Cannae dae it! Cannae tell um…

STEW. He’d understand better where yur comin fi!

DIMPS. Twenty something motor mechanic wi his faithir sniffin efter um? Fuck sake…

Dimps lies down; curls his legs up. Stew does the same.
They are facing each other. They both rock back and forward

DIMPS. Punished…Ah’m bein punished Stew.

STEW. Fur what?

DIMPS. Bein bad…Ah wis a bad…Ah um a bad boy…

STEW. Yur a man, man that’s gittin stronger every…

DIMPS. FUCK SAKE STEW…let mi grovel in this shite: Ah deserve it…let mi delve right inti the dirt…mibi ah’ll come oot wi the truth; stop hidin ahint masell…the real me kin show it’s face…face wi aw the flaws; aw the weakness’s.

STEW. Come oan git the gloves oan: few rounds uh’ll dae us baithe guid!

They both put boxing gloves on; then start work on the punch bag

DIMPS. Need ti gee oot mair hints: / need ti drop mah…

STEW. Hints aboot what?

DIMPS. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR! (Hits the punch bag very hard)

Dimps falls to the floor; Stew kneels beside him
Stew removes his boxing gloves; then removes Dimps’

Enter Cammy

Dimps and Stew hug each other; Stew looks at Dimps’s forehead
Cammy is carrying an ironing board and a large hold-all. He ignores Steve and Dimps goes to a corner; sets up the ironing board; then takes an iron and a pile of badly creased laundry from the bag; plugs the iron in; starts ironing.
Stew and Dimps stand up.
Dimps starts lifting some weights

CAMMY. Meeting noh even started an Dimps is huvin a crisis?

DIMPS. SHUT IT YOU! (Looks at his forehead in a piece of broken mirror on the shed wall)

CAMMY. Let the expert oan self harming show yi how it’s really done… (pulls his sleeve back) (Sings) Burning burning…

STEW. So, whey brought the coffee?

CAMMY. ME! Yi telt mi ti!

STEW. Asked yi to Cammy!

CAMMY. Anybody bring ironing?

STEW. Ower there!

CAMMY. WHAT…the big bag…there? Nicely creased Ah hope? (He rushes to the bag; opens it) AW… Stew sheets great big walloping sheets; creased ti fuck…sheer heaven!

Cammy starts ironing the sheets

DIMPS. Fuck sake. (Pause) Where the hell’s Steve?

CAMMY. Gave masell a beauty last night (Rolls back sleeve) hale tube o Savlon: greedy burn thit yi ur! (Kisses the burn)

DIMPS. Get that choob in line Stew…?

STEW. Come on guys we’re a support group, right?

Enter Steve

Steve is wearing a sheepskin coat and wears a scarf around his face; he also carries a large medical book. He sits on a cushion curling his feet and legs under him; reads the book

STEVE. (Removes the scarf) Jist pretend Ah’m noh here!


CAMMY. Some support group this, Ah want ti talk aboot self harming: / it’s important ti me an…(Sucks his thumb)


Long Silence

STEW. Oanythin fur the flip chart?

CAMMY. Self harming!

DIMPS. Deadly weapons; high explosives…!

Dimps puts the boxing gloves on; hits the punch bag

STEW. Last couple o weeks we’ve discussed the possibility o a new a new guy comin ti the group…?

Stew locks the shed door

DIMPS. Is he coming the day…is he is he?

Dimps removes the boxing gloves; starts biting his nails

CAMMY. Did yi tell him ti bring some ironing?

DIMPS. Cammy man, if you mention ironing yin mair time…I’LL TAKE THAT IRON AND / RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR…

CAMMY. Anger management? RIIIIIGHT!

Dimps goes toward Cammy

STEVE. Nae violence Stew PLEASE, / PLEASE, PLEASE?

STEW. (Kneels beside Steve; holds him) We’re aw fired up; now let’s get some kind o order…new member syndrome…that’s what we’ve got!

DIMPS. This new guy…what’s the deal…is he fi roond here…did yi check um oot…is he ok?

CAMMY. If he wis OK would he be coming here?

DIMPS. Fuck sake! (Bites his nails)

CAMMY. Paranoia fur the flip chart?

DIMPS. Every night I pray you’ll burn that tongue o yours wi that…

STEW. You dinnae mean that Dimps! Chill oot time? Come on let’s be huvin yi!

DIMPS. Stew, Ah’m serious…this new guy…mean how did he find oot aboot us?

STEW. He phoned / the help line…

DIMPS. When he phoned yi…did he gee yi his background?


DIMPS. Fuck sake wi cannae jist letoany body in…

CAMMY. Wi let you in!

STEW. Wi wait; see um; listen ti um; if yur noh comfortable…then we’ll take it fi there?

STEVE. He’ll noh see me? (Pulls his coat over his head)

STEW. He’s yin o the founder members o the first support group fur male survivors…

CAMMY. Wi discussed aw this it the last meetin!

DIMPS. What’s he wantin here…here wi us?

STEW. Talk ti us aboot his experience wi other groups.

CAMMY. We need to get networking; not become isolated…

DIMPS. Aw Ah’m sayin is wi need a vettin system…system…

STEVE. He’s noh yin o them…them thit kin see right through yi?

Stew goes to Steve; gives Steve a hug

DIMPS. What the fuck is that supposed ti mean…you sayin Ah’ve got something ti hide?

CAMMY. Oan the defensive Dimps? Noh like you.

Steve clings on to Stew

STEW. OK, guys, cool it…let’s try an maintain some harmony? Chill oot time?

Cammy and Dimps move to a cushion each. Steve makes his way to the punch bag; puts on the boxing gloves; then starts to lightly tap the punch bag

DIMPS. Stew man, cannnae shut mah een the day…fucking eyeballs feel like they’re oan stocks.

CAMMY. Stew man, gees a hug afore Ah hit relax city?

STEVE. Ah’ll lie doon…promise me though…promise ti pretend Ah’m noh here?

They all lie down

STEW. Can’t close eyes, that’s fine; need a hug, that’s fine; need ti be invisible that’s fine! (Pause) Where did wi end up last meeting?

DIMPS CAMMY. Secret gairdin…!


STEW. Surrounded by a huge waw…we aw climbed that waw…sure wi struggled: climbed it though. Reckon it would be ok? Go back; explore the secret gairdin?

STEVE. Gairdins urnae ayewis safe places…too many high jaggy bushes where the animals wi sharp razor teeth kin hide…

Dimps sits up

DIMPS. Fuck sake: aw this pish aboot secrets?

CAMMY. Once all the secrets are out…then and only then can we find truth…be cleansed; be truly healed. (Laughs)

STEVE. Ah ken Ah’m hidden away…oot o sight; cannae be seen in a true light till Ah git the courage…courage ti drag the secret / fi the dense dark place…

DIMPS. Shrink talk…heid doctors wi thur big fuckin hooters…poking aboot…huv yi this; huv yi that? Did it dae us oany guid…WELLLLL?

STEW. We’re here…we’re still thigithir; supporting each other!

CAMMY. And here endeth the lesson?

DIMPS. Fuck sake! How long’s this gonnae go oan?

CAMMY. Dimpsy boy, yur noh acceptin yur situation…

DIMPS. He’s targettin me again Stew!

STEW. Dimps naebody’s pickin oan oanybody…

DIMPS. What could Ah dae? mah mother snuffed it; mah faithir made me his Mrs, fuck sake Ah wis ten yur auld: couldnae pack a suitcase: go doon the coonsul; ask fur a hoose…

CAMMY. The main objective of this support group…?

STEW. Cammy? sharing time?

DIMPS. Cammy the cunt is takin the piss…

CAMMY. As Ah wis sayin…

DIMPS. Fuckin acceptable bein mummy’s boy? Fuckin leper city bein daddy’s boy?

CAMMY. Mrs Dimps?

DIMPS. Mr Cammy?

Dimps runs at Cammy; starts to beat him with his fists
Cammy pulls Dimps down to the floor; they hold each other at arms length

STEW. Dimps gonnae let Cammy share…?

Dimps and Cammy hold each other closely

CAMMY. Fuckin amazing how a five yur auld kin frighten a six fit two bricki? There Ah’d be tucked up with mumsy; in comes daddikins sand an cement crackin under his nails: takes yin look it me an dis a Paul fuckin Daniels, she hated him, bit deep doon shi loved me; Ah wis her protection; then things got messy…


Dimps and Cammy get up; move away from each other

STEVE. Ah kin tell yi what should be in here…in this shrinks big book…?

STEW. The three A’s!

DIMPS CAMMY. Acceptance, adoptin an attitude, an actin!

STEW. If wi keep actin as if wur awright…

STEVE DIMPS CAMMY. Then wi will be awright?

Long Silence

STEW. Relaxation therapy time?


Dimps lies down

DIMPS. Stew man, Ah’m getting nae where…keep waiting on the door opening…keep waiting / on this guy appearing.

STEW. Door’s locked Dimps!

DIMPS. Jist wish he’d fuckin arrive!

CAMMY. He might never arrive!

STEW. Cammy’s right…be great if he did come along…means he kin help us move forward.

DIMPS. MOVE FORWARD…forward ti what…ti where?

CAMMY. Emerald city, where the air is clean and the stars shine, even during the day… (Sings) Somewhere over the rainbow, / skies are blue…

DIMPS. JUDYJUDYJUDY…! Least she got the auld Bob Hope:only mama cawed the dope, medicine…

CAMMY. OOOOH what a wonderful singin voice you’ve got little girl Judy: jist lift yur gingham frock up a bit further…

STEVE. When shi disappeared fi Kansas Ah wish shid taken me!

DIMPS. Fuck sake! Abuse kens nae boundaries, fi the richest…

CAMMY. Ti us!

STEVE. Ah’m ready ti speak: bit dinnae look at me ok?

STEW. Steve?

STEVE. Sexual frustration: fur the flip chart!

They all sit up

Stew writes sexual frustration on the flip chart; also self harming; deadly weapons

DIMPS. Sitting on the bus, ok? Up he comes…top deck… me and yin other guy…seats, ok?…empty…fuckin sits right beside me…smell like a rotting carcass…breathing and snottering…same sounds as always: wheezing his wae up the stair; gasping his pathetic begging routine, ‘Dimpsy son it’s me, yur auld dad, only wantin a cuddle, let yur auld dad huv a cuddle?’ LIAR LIAR…KILL THE SLIME…WHY THE FUCK DON’T WE KILL HIM?

CAMMY. Daddy wis right aside yi: why did you noh kill um?

STEW. Cammy, let Dimps share will yi…please?

DIMPS. Need air Stew…need it NOW!

Stew unlocks the shed door

Exit Dimps



Steve goes to a corner of the shed
Stew goes to hug Steve; leads him back to his cushion
Steve curls up; starts reading his book

Cammy goes to the ironing board


CAMMY. Iron needs filling…you got the hose fixed up Stew?

Cammy takes the kettle

STEW. Aye. Check on Dimps will yi?

Exit Cammy


STEW. (Pause) Kin Ah see yi Steve?

STEVE. Yeh, but I’m just a shadow, ok?

STEW. Funeral, is it?

STEVE. The morn!

STEW. You goin?


STEVE. Be good if Ah could forgive him…tell him every time Ah cut; bleed masell that’s the only time Ah feel clean…that an uncle should’nae say yin thing; then dae another…funeral means he should be deid…deid in mah heid…need a lot o mental energy…huv ti summon up a lot o power ti be completely invisible at a funeral… aw they eyes moving aroond the graveside: Ah’d huv ti be a hundred per cent sure o…

STEW. Ah’ll be there: Ah’ll support yi?

STEVE. If Ah go…go ti the funeral; then fund oot he’s noh there…there / where he should be?

STEW. Who’s noh there?

STEVE. Sandy…uncle Sandy!

STEW. Noh deid; noh in the coffin?

STEVE. Back in the hoose; sittin wi a can watchin the telly…

STEW. Steve man…Steve if his death notice is in the paper: then / how could…?

STEVE. Means nothing: young Sandy could’ve fixed aw that…

STEVE. Uncle Sandy’s laddie? Yur big cousin? Why wid he dae that?

STEVE. Ti frighten mi; ti shut mi up; ti stop me gawn…

STEW. An the doctor…hospital…undertaker…young Sandy could’ve fixed aw that?


STEVE. Young Sandy fixed stuff afore.

STEW. Stuff…what stuff?


STEVE. Like a magician…used ti wave a wand ower mi…next thing Ah wis in their hoose; in the back room wi uncle Sandy…standin there wi the big thick rope…pooin mah troosers doon; bendin mi ower the widden chair; wrappin the big thick rope roond mi…young Sandy waitin when Ah got shoved oot the hoose…waitin wi the magic wand.


STEW. (Pause) Wisnae a magic wand Steve!

STEVE. You gonnae say it wis uncle Sandy’s walking stick?

STEW. Very stick broke yur nose; broke yur knee cap!

STEVE. (Pause) Noh bad magic?

Stew hugs Steve

Enter Cammy

Cammy has a large jug of water; he puts by the ironing board

CAMMY. Dimps is oot there wi his bad back diggin tatties, says he’s noh comin in ti this new guy arrives.

Steve scurries back to his cushion; reads the book

STEW. What di yi say…we start the meeting now?

CAMMY. Let mi crush the sheets again, OK?

Cammy bundles up the sheets; then jumps up and down on them

CAMMY. Up an down, up an down all / the way to Tinsel town…

Steve drags his cushion nearer Stew; then sits facing the wall.

STEVE. Face the waw? (Pause) Should be mah back: safer that wae…

STEW. Wantin a sound?

CAMMY. Crashin waves; seagulls; spades an pails…bairn’s laughter!

STEW. Steve?

STEVE. Nae people talking, OK?

CAMMY. Will Ah gee Dimps a shout?

STEW. Ah’ll nash oot!

Exit Stew

Cammy starts ironing sheets

CAMMY. (Sings) Some day I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts like lemon drops away above the chimney tops that’s where you’ll find me…ur you visible Steve?

STEVE. Aye, faint as an auld negative though!

CAMMY. Did yi think ower what Ah said efter the last meetin?




STEVE. Widnae be right! Stew might…

CAMMY. Aw yi didnae tell him?

STEVE. (Pulls his coat over his head) Nuht!

CAMMY. (Goes to where Steve is sitting; lies down) Secrets urnae ayewis wrong…it’s oor bodies, right…be kindae cosy if wi did it thigithir? (Starts to lift up his shirt)

Steve lightly touches Cammy’s skin

STEVE. Ah dae it in the dark; then Ah cannae see me…

CAMMY. You still yasin the metal scourer?

STEVE. Ur you?

CAMMY. Stings like fuck…punishment ti fit the crime!

STEVE. Why di yi want us ti dae it thigithir Cammy?

CAMMY. Guilt, so’s wi kin share the guilt…

STEVE. Share the pain…?

CAMMY. See Steve, if wi did it thigithir…ken…then wid stand a better chance…

STEVE. Better chance…?

CAMMY. O stopping each other…?

STEVE. You wanti stop the pain?

CAMMY. Ah wanti stop the guilt.

STEVE. If wi stopped; then how wid wi ken we wur bad?


CAMMY. Jist look at the auld scars?

STEVE. When Ah fade away: Ah dinnae see the scars?

CAMMY. Naw, bit yi kin feel thum…

Stew and Dimps can be heard shouting outside

Enter Stew

STEW. Need a hand guys: Dimps’ is in the rain barrel again…

Exit Stew


STEVE. Dey make mi go…dey make mi see um suffer.

CAMMY. Did yi ken yi kin droon in a saucer o water…fuckin amazing, ih?

Exit Cammy

Steve picks up the skipping rope; starts skipping
Steve stops skipping; stands rigid

Lights Fade

Lights Up

Dimps has a towel over his head; he only wears his underpants.
Cammy is ironing a wet T shirt.
Steve has his coat over his head.
Stew is squatting in front of Dimps

STEW. Deep breath in; deep breath out; / deep breath in…

CAMMY. Deep breath in deep breath in / deep breath in.

Cammy laughs

STEW. Cammy you’re noh helping!

CAMMY. Humour; laughter, best medicine you said.

STEW. Dimps jist tried ti droon his sel…where’s the humour / in that?

STEVE. Ah’m noh an image; jist a great boomin voice telling what Ah feel deep doon. Seein Dimps dive ti the depths o that rain barrel wid huv made me vomit…cringing coward that’s me…Dimps though…he’s brave; fearless; gonnae meet the big sleep heid on… (He faces the wall)

CAMMY. T shirt’s dry: need ti wear mah jeans though: ironin yours dry wid ruin mah ironing cover. (He takes the T shirt and jeans to Dimps; carefully places them at his side)

STEW. Hus Steve got a point?

Cammy takes a load of ironed clothing; drops it on the floor; jumps on it; then starts ironing them

CAMMY. Steve’s got a problem; jist like the rest o us!

STEW. Did yi hear what Steve said?

CAMMY. ‘Boot Dimps?

STEW. Thit toppin yursell is an act o bravery?

CAMMY. So, wur discussin Dimps…Dimps wi his inadequate personality? Huv Ah ti set masell oan fire fur an encore?

STEW. How long we been comin here…here ti this shed it this allotment?

CAMMY. So we’re still oan the subject o bravery?

Dimps removes the towel from his head; drapes it around his neck; then starts lifting some weights

STEW. Five months an three weeks.

CAMMY. When kin Ah collect mah medal?

STEVE. Ah’m movin ower aside yis…treat me like an insignificant (drags his cushion over; lies down on it)

STEW. (Pause) A group decision made back then, ti come here…a safe place; place o regeneration and growth; clearing the grund o weeds an crap; plantin the veggies; building this wi oor ain hands; then meetin every Sunday…meetin ti support each other; meetin ti talk an listen ti each other: Ah’m Ah right or Ah’m Ah right?

CAMMY. Fuckin heavy shit at times Stew man: yi ken mah drift oan suicide!

DIMPS. You’re here fur a purpose; toppin yursell is the coward’s wae oot!


STEW. Want ti respond Cammy…ready ti share yur thoughts…?

CAMMY. (Pause) Suicide…pissin wimps walk oot!

DIMPS. Gladiator wi iron…steam iron?

CAMMY. (Removes his shirt: revealing several deep scars)


Steve crawls to the door

Exit Steve

STEW. Steve?

Stew goes after Steve

Exit Stew

CAMMY. (Removes his jeans; revealing several more scars)

Enter Stew

DIMPS. Fuck sake! You’re a nutter!

CAMMY. Right on man; bit a brave nutter!

CAMMY. Oany body kin top thursell: that’s easy…bit this…feelin the blade cut through; smellin the blood… noo that’s fearlessness!

STEW. Want ti pit yur clathes back oan Cam?

Cammy starts putting his clothes back on


STEW. Wi need ti talk aboot this?

DIMPS. What’s ti talk aboot? Cammy’s oot his tree!

Dimps suddenly stiffens up; clutches his back; struggles ti lie down
Stew comforts Dimps

STEW. Muscle spasm Dimps? Breathe easy; / breathe easy…

CAMMY. Week efter week Ah’ve asked ti talk aboot this problem Ah huv wi self harmin – shrink caws it a problem – fur me, nae PRAWBLEMO…

DIMPS. Jist thought yi did a bit o burnin oan yur airms…?

STEW. This is heavy stuff…Cammy needs ti disclose…needs a space where he kin share safely…what di yi say Dimps?

CAMMY. Wiv been pishin aroond fur months lookin it fuckin seed catalogues; /fuckin; plantin; weedin; waterin…

STEW. Aw part o the re growth Cammy?

DIMPS. If it makes him feel oany better aboot hackin bits oot his… / fuck sake!

Dimps struggles to get up

STEW. Group’s aboot listenin ti each other…some stuff’s gonnae be harder ti take…ti listen ti; ti see (Pause) Why we here?

CAMMY. Exactly!

Door opens slightly

Enter Steve

He’s carrying a large potted plant; he places it in the centre of the floor
Stew locks the door

STEW. Wanti ti be seen Steve?

STEVE. Nuht! (He goes to his cushion in the corner; curls up; sucks his thumb)

Stew Cammy and Dimps sit on cushions

Long Silence

CAMMY. Relax city?

STEW. OK wi you Dimps; Steve?

They all lie down

STEW. White surf: golden sand: palm trees: cool breeze?


STEVE. Nae people!

STEW. Jist us: lyin oan warm sand. Hear the SSSHSSSH o the surf? Wee click click? (Pause) That’s sea-shells tumbling up the beach; aw washed; sparkly clean. (Pause) Gentle breeze picks up sand…soft sand pitter patterin against yur legs; against yur airms…fairy dust: jist like fairy dust (Pause) Wi could take a swim?

Stew Dimps Cammy and Steve all get up; move as if in slow motion; pretending to swim

STEW. Follow me guys…gentle mind…easy strokes…fluid; relaxED. (Pause) Turn noo…back ti shore…feel how easy yi cut the water; feel how it washes ower yi…yur body’s weightless; (Pause) yur mind feels peace…wur looking fur the dolphins in the sea…when wi find thum…swim, wull swim wi dolphins in the sea: peace is there (Pause) We’ll find peace o mind…when aw wi hate has gone!

CAMMY. (Pause) Ur wi back oan the beach?

DIMPS. Fuck sake!


DIMPS. If Ah’d been droonin: whey wid huv saved mi?

CAMMY. Nae worries! Shite floats! (Laughs)

STEW. We’d be there fur yi Dimps!

DIMPS. Like wi the rain barrel?

CAMMY. The Dimps an Dimps show?

STEW. Wi agreed wi sharing…sharing an listenin?

DIMPS. (Sits up) This guy…new guy, is he comin or noh?

CAMMY. What’s wi the worry…? he’s the same is us; noh a BIG BAD MAN, WOOOOWOOO! (Laughs)

DIMPS. Or BIG BAD WUMMIN: Cammy? (Bites his nails)

STEW. Come oan you two?

CAMMY. Hey Stew? Mibi Dimpsy boy wants some fantasy time…how ti kill yur nearest an dearest in fantasy sequence…

DIMPS. Vard the Impaler, me, wi thon big long sharp needle right up the…?

STEVE. Long as it’s played oot here?

CAMMY. Digital imagin in oor heids: here in the allotment shed?

DIMPS. Aye, fuckin awright, DEID DEID DEID / IN OOR HEID!

CAMMY STEW. Git the abuser deid in yur heid…

STEW. Rules is rules guys: in here, we take the abuser ti bits, here in fantasy, in a safe controlled enviorment…

CAMMY. Noh that long ago: these waws wur drippin wi blood…

STEVE. Noh a drop ti be seen: faded image jist like me…

DIMPS. Fuckin abusing perpetrators urnae fadin…

STEW. Large as life…?

CAMMY. An waiting ti be exposed…?


CAMMY. If wi hud oor mobbies: could’ve phoned this guy: he’s mibi tryin ti phone us?

STEW. Telt um the rule aboot nae phones!


STEVE. Wi the new phones, phones wi the screen…kin it switch off…the screen, kin it be blank?

CAMMY. Fuckin brilliant that wid be, ken? If we could jist switch off, like the new iron in the Argos catalogue, switches it’s sell off when yiv stopped ironin…soon as yi pick it up ti start ironin…dara, oan it comes…gotta a beaut the noo…tank sits right along side the iron; hose leaves the tank; goes direct inti the iron…pure genius that…dey huv ti keep toppin the iron up…kin git through a mountain o stuff wi a mean machine like that…couple o mair weeks an uh’ll huv enough cash…nip doon Argos; pick it up an AH’M AWAY…!

Dimps an Stew stop boxing
Stew goes to Steve; helps him with the weights

DIMPS. We kin be discussin the upper reaches o the Himalayas: the current crisis in the Middle East: sex life o a snail an there’s Cammy on his iron lecture…

CAMMY. Your socks ur mingin Dimps!

DIMPS. Fuck sake; ironin mah socks? Tell yi if wi stood still long enough: he’d iron us!

CAMMY. Take mair than a steam iron ti straighten you oot!

DIMPS. You cunt: you sayin Ah’m bent? (He runs at Cammy; makes to grab him)

Cammy holds the iron at Dimps face
Steve scrambles to the corner

CAMMY. Want a bit colour oan yur peely wally puss?

Stew goes toward Dimps and Cammy

STEW. HOLD IT! Way ooti control; / way ower the line…

DIMPS. Said that yince too often Stew…sayin Ah’m a poof!

CAMMY. If yur bent: then yur bent, jist blame yur auld man.

Stew takes Dimps away from Cammy

DIMPS. An you kin blame yur auld lady?

CAMMY. Unlike you Dimpsy boy: Ah’m noh in denial: me an mah auld lady huv a wee thing going on: fuckin cringe, go oan, cringe (Pause) you an fuckin society / cannae face reality…

STEW. Wi need ti calm doon: chill; take five; talk an listen…listen ti each other: naebody’s sittin in judgement here…

DIMPS. FUCK SAKE! Ah dey wanti ti hear aboot Cammy an his love affair wi his auld lady…fuckin gees me the boc.

CAMMY. Bit aw oor lugs huv ti be pinned back fur you an DADDY?

DIMPS. That’s different!

STEW. How’s it different Dimps?

Steve crawls nearer to Dimps Cammy and Stew

DIMPS. Ah’m noh huvin a love affair wi mah faithir.

CAMMY. Purely sex ih?

DIMPS. Bastard!

Steve lies on his stomach; pulls his coat over his head


DIMPS. This guy: better git here soon.

STEVE. If mah image wis stronger; the negative noh si weak Ah could stand up right noo; yis wid aw see me…see me marchin oot o here…stampin mah wae ower ti uncle Sandy’s, bangin on his door; see the door fly open; see me wrap these hands; these shakin fingers…see thum glue thursell oan his fat purple neck…see these hands squeeze an squeeze…bit, Ah’m noh developed right; Ah’m aw faded; jist a faintin fadin image…


DIMPS. Yur dirty auld Uncle Sandy? He’s deid!

CAMMY. Shut the fuck up Dimps!

Stew goes to Steve helps him up; takes him to a cushion; Steve lies down; sucks his thumb; rocks back and forth

DIMPS. He’s fuckin lucky; his abuser’s DEID DEID DEID!


CAMMY. Why dis Steve never take a lift hame fi here?

DIMPS. What the fuck has that ti dae wi oanythin?

CAMMY. Cause he husnae got a hame…

DIMPS. So where dis Steve stae?

CAMMY. Wi uncle Sandy!



Dimps puts his clothes on; lies down
Steve drags his cushion from the corner; lies down; curls up, with his thumb in his mouth
They all remain lying down

Long Silence

CAMMY. Leap frog…?

STEW. Steve; Dimps?

STEVE. Cannae be frog: greens to visible…

STEW. Jist caw me Kermit!

DIMPS. Fuckin crazy this!

CAMMY. Dimps is catchin oan!

They all play at leap frog

CAMMY. (Sings) Oh Ah do like ti be beside the seaside, oh Ah do like to be beside the sea…

DIMPS. Faster faster faster…


Cammy jumps to where the ball is; Stew, Dimps and Cammy play handball; all run around shouting at each other

STEVE. Somebody’s gonnae git hurt…hurt wi rough stuff; be aw black an blue…huv ti be tane ti the hospital…huv ti tell the doctor lies…huv ti git tane wi Social Services…huv ti tell mair lies…

Steve falls to the floor: starts thrashing about


Stew runs to Steve; turns him on his side; holds him

DIMPS. FUCK SAKE…an eppy…they turns gee me the boc…aw that jerkin; aw that jumpin, fuck sake! (Bites his nails)

CAMMY. Shut yur gub ya wanker…cannae take it? Then git oot!

Dimps heads for the door; starts vomiting
Cammy kneels beside Stew; holds him


CAMMY. (Sings) Some day I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me…where trouble melts like lemon drops away above the chimney / tops that’s where (Dimps is heard screaming from outside) you’ll find me…Somewhere over the rainbow…

Cammy starts cleaning the iron
Stew takes Steve by the hand; helps him up

Exit Stew and Steve

DIMPS. What the…what is the…fuck sake what’s gonnae happen ti us?

CAMMY. It’s already happened big boy!

Cammy finishes cleaning his iron
Dimps puts on the boxing gloves; starts hitting the punch bag

Exit Cammy

DIMPS. (Hitting the punch bag) If love is good, an love is pure, why’s it pit in bad bad bad people?: Ah ken why…cause Ah’m bad an Ah’ve got love in mi (Pause) Fuck sake ma? (Pause) Efter yi went it heaven; ti be wi the angels; HE wis scared an lonely; HE came an took mi; cuddled mi in; ME Ah wis scared an lonely. (Pause) HE loves me an ME loves HE…stuff wi dae…other stuff wi dae…it’s…it’s…it’s the mechanics; nuts an bolts…brutal engineerin…bit efter…efter comes the theory; the poetry o love.

Dimps removes the boxing gloves; places them beside the potted plant

Exit Dimps

Lights Fade

Lights Up

DOLL. (Off stage) You’ll be soooory, opening that door will be the second biggest mistake you’ve made…

ED. And the first…?

DOLL. Being born!

Door opens

Enter Ed

Ed is carrying a large hold-all; he looks around; takes the transistor radio; hold it to his cheek; replaces it on the ledge; he then sits on the stool: he opens the hold-all and removes a ventriloquist’s doll; he sits the doll on his knee


DOLL. I’m cold – very, very, very – cold! (Pause) Are you?

ED. Drops his head to one side and sighs

Long Silence

DOLL. Should we be sat here? Here, you and me sitting together…like this? What if someone comes in? (Pause) Doesn’t that worry you? (Pause) Does anything worry you? The one in charge won’t be too happy…will he…?

Ed gets up; carries doll to the punch bag: then starts pushing the bag


DOLL. OOOH! Love it when you get all physical…

ED. You’re starting to get oan mah…



DOLL. Never mind this shit: you’ve got a job to take care of (Pause) remember?

ED. Ah wis warned aboot this happening…

DOLL. Me? Taking over?

Ed returns to sit on the stool


ED. Me losing control!!


DOLL. Gottle u geer; gred an gutter, gottle u…oh Ed, get to the nitty gritty…he’s here, well, out there…he’s the one you’re after…how long you been searching him out?


Enter Stew

STEW. What the fuck is…? Panic, what’s the panic?


ED. Jist hud ti see yi: / yi ken what it’s like?

STEW. An you brought him?

DOLL. Where I go…

ED. He goes; yi ken that!


STEW. Explainin him? (Pause) This better be guid…mean…the day you better be oan yur bestest behaviour…

ED. You listen up doll!

DOLL. You’ve got him worried Ed!

STEW. SHUT HIM UP! (Pause) They’ll be in any minute…

Ed goes to the shelf; lifts the radio; turns it on; off

DOLL. Memories? AW!

ED. Couldnae leave it there…jist hud ti huv it…? (Pause) Ah’d git rid o it…bury it…dig a hole drop it in…

DOLL. Destroy the evidence?

STEW. Jist git oan wi the game; your fuckin play time, OK?


ED. Stew yi ken how scared Ah git feared oan mah ain: reassurance is aw Ah neED.

DOLL. But I look after you: I’ve always looked after you!

ED. Dey ken what Ah’d dae if yi…tried ti git rid o me?

STEW. You ken what yid dae!


ED. This is cosy…right wee gang hut (Pause) an the smell…smell o wee pals…smell o fear smell o secrets?

DOLL. Too constructed this; too solid (Pause) now the hide was more in tune with nature; remember the hide Stew? Babes in the wood?

ED. Aw aye, wid aw git close thigithir in the hide!

STEW. Ah’ve moved oan:/ got things fixed…fixed here: got

DOLL. Told you Ed…he’s moving on moving away from you…

STEW. a foundation: a grounding…

ED. Tell Doll he’s talking shite Stew. (Pause) Starsky an Hutch; Batman an Robin, Kane an Abel; US?

DOLL. If Stew decided to terminate his contract: where would he go?


ED. Doll an me have spent the last three months searching you oot. (Pause) Naw that’s noh right…makes it sound like you wur hiding fi me…

DOLL. Hiding from US?


ED. Business is sufferin partner! (Pause) Customers hate ti be kept waitin, mummie’s favourite words?

DOLL. All those little kiddies being neglected; all because of you: mumsies and daddikins can’t get their money: so kiddies lose out, dear oh dear…

ED. You remember that Stew? (Pause) Mommy dearest needin hur addiction fed; us freezing oor little balls off; us scrapin the bottom o the jam jar; an jist roond the corner uncle whoever or auntie whoever champin it the bit; money slippin off thur sweaty; clammy hand…

DOLL. Get them young; get them trained…


ED. Fuckin hell Stew; that’s aw you ken: only business you’re guid at.


DOLL. He’s got too comfy cosy; got too rich…

STEW. Dirty filthy money; we wur fuckin pimps; supply and demand; demand and supply. (Pause) Forgiveness hus ti come inti the equasion; redemption hus ti stand along side it…

ED. Needs must Stew; aw that early trainin we hud; following orders?

DOLL. He knows the reason he’s done what he’s done: knows the reason he does what he does…


DOLL. Doesn’t know the reason why he wants to stop!


STEW. Fuck sake! This therapy dictates…this therapy needs space…nae distractions; nae back-word movement (Pause) a space that’s noh contaminated wi musty cobwebs an trapped flies (Pause) this / space here accommodates only one…one

ED. (Sings) Be it ever so humble there’s no place like home…

STEW. strong personality (Pause) this space here is mine; this is where Ah come inti mah ain…

DOLL. He’s got group fever Ed! He’s leading the group right up the garden path again!

ED. Ah kin see where yur comin fi Stew: bit, Ah need ti experience this therapy: this born again: this re birth…

DOLL. Different hospital; different doctor; different medication; different group therapy, SAME GAME!

STEW. You bastard Ed!

ED. Aw, ‘magine even thinking that; never mind sayin it (Pause) an me yur partner in…


ED. You’ve upset him doll…crime, what crime? (Pause) Wi wur children…young innocent children…preyed upon by a nisty nasty watchy witchy…

DOLL. Oh yes you were.

ED. Sent oot ti tempt; trap; bring back aw that fresh young meat; bring hame the bacon.

DOLL. Oh yes you were!


STEW. You kin sit in the day: practice yur magic; cast yur word spells…only the day…yin day only; then…


ED. Then?

STEW. Ed, these guys are pretty vulnerable: wounds still weepin: fuck sake go easy ih? / So help mi, if you…

ED. Ah scratch your back…?


DOLL. One of the best things about being a ventriloquist’s doll? No back!

STEW. Fuck Ed, you jist / never give up…

DOLL. Nary had a little lan it’s hace was hite as snow and ery where that Nary went the lan was sure to go…

Long Silence

ED. Stew man, survivor: Ah’m a s u r v i v o r…makin tricks best way Ah can…performin illusion’s: wae Ah wis taught…coached by yin o the best. (Pause) You wur guid mummy said Stew’s guid: bit you Ed, you kin fool a hale room fu o people.

DOLL. Now you see it: now you don’t!


STEW. The auld dear: is she worried: concerned…?

ED. Ur you?

STEW. What? ‘boot hur?

DOLL. Keter kiker kicked a kickled kekker; if Keter…

ED. The law works in mysterious ways…

STEW. Huv the polis been at hur? Huv they questioned hur?

DOLL. Takes lots and lots of practice to get the words just right; to get the words believed. She sell sea shells on…


ED. Wi need mair witnesses Stew: need mair victims’ ti come furrit…

DOLL. More survivors to point the finger…

STEW. She should take the fuckin rap; she should go doon!

DOLL. Now you hear it: now you don’t!


STEW. Ed, what’s happenin?


ED. Bones, some fuckin thirty year old bones huv turned up: well…been dug up (Pause) fuckin pissy eco warriors aw clammmerin ti save a bunch o trees (Pause) fuckin kids dyin every week; fuckin kids neglected; starved; beaten; abused an…those wankin love an peace hippies savin fuckin TREES?


STEW. So, what di wi dae?

DOLL. Get rid of cars; get rid of motor-ways…simple: problem solved.

STEW. Need an answer Ed…need to know where I…where we (Pause) stand?


ED. STAND? You stand where yiv ayewis stood: you stand where Ah tell yi ti stand, OK Stew?


STEW. Dinnae fuck this up Ed…please Ed let mi dae this…let mi see if Ah kin fool mahsel inti bein healed: fool mahsel inti bein blameless?


STEW. Ah’m gawn oot: bring the guy’s in…

DOLL. He’s so cute when he acts that way!

ED. (Sings) All I want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air, with one enormous chair, oh wouldn’t it be lovely. Lots of coal makin lots of heat: lots of chocolate for me to eat… (Pause) Fuck me Stew: aw wi ever wanted wis warmth; food; cuddles; protection…oh aye an…what wis the other thing…?


STEW. We’d huv done anything fur love…



Exit Stew

DOLL. Love this next bit: makes me go all weepy.

ED. (Sings) I would never budge till spring crept over the windowsill. Someone’s head resting on my knee, warm and tender as he can be: who’d take good care of me…OOOOOH! Wouldn’t it be lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely, wouldn’t it be…

DOLL. The Leith kolithe dithmithith me!


ED. Did yi hear the yin aboot the laughin rabbit?

DOLL. Better be clean: good clean family entertainment is what we want…

ED. He hud a hare up his hole!


DOLL. Did you hear the one about the four guy’s stuck in an allotment shed?

ED. Is it the same as the yin wi the four guy’s stuck in the loony bin?

DOLL. You’ve heard it, mmmmh!


ED. Let me dae the talking OK?

DOLL. You always do the talking!

ED. Children should be seen and not…SSSSSSSH!

Enter Cammy and Dimps

CAMMY. What the…? (Pause) You the guy wiv been waitin oan?

DIMPS. Aw fuck, aw fuck guy’s a weirdo /sittin cuddlin…

CAMMY. Well, he’ll blend in here nae bother…

ED. Thought you wouldn’t mind…door was open thought I’d…thought we’d… (he gets up; tucks the doll under his arm; extends his hand toward Cammy and Dimps) Ed, I’m Ed…

CAMMY. Better wait ti Stew gits here, eh, ken?

DIMPS. Aw fuck, dey ken aboot this…what’s wi the dummy?

ED. Sorry, but Ah find that quite an offensive name…

DIMPS. Dummy?

CAMMY. So eh, what’s eh…his…it’s eh…?

ED. Doll, we feel more comfortable with Doll.

Long Silence

CAMMY. Dimps mah man, gonnae gee Stew a shout?

Dimps goes to the door

DIMPS. STEW, haw STEW? Better git in here, pronto!

Dimps goes toward Ed; then takes a closer look at the doll

CAMMY. So eh, come far?

ED. Yeh!


DIMPS. Fuckin hell, yi noh gonnae tell us where yi come fi?

Enter Stew and Steve

CAMMY. Hey Stew, thought wi hud a rule aboot lockin the door…?

Steve falls to the floor; scurries to his cushion

STEW. See yi fund us OK?

DIMPS. He’s noh gonnae tell us where he comes fi, Stew…

STEW. Will you tell him where you come fi Dimps?

DIMPS. Fuck sake dey gee um mah real name, ih?

CAMMY. Dimps is a real name? (Laughs)

STEW. Name’s Stew, an you’re Ed?

Stew shakes hands with Ed

ED. Always good to put a face to a voice…

Ed still holds onto Stew’s hand

CAMMY. Yid noh see Stew’s trustin smile: oan the phone?

ED. Phone? (Pause) Yes, yes the phone…Good strong grip there, Stew can feel you take this gardening project seriously.

DIMPS. How dis he ken aboot the gairdnin?

STEW. Wi talked about it on the phone. (Pause) Cammy gonnae make Ed a coffee…tea…?

DIMPS. An his weird wee pal? / fuckin bottle fur him?…

CAMMY. Coffee? Tea? Ed…?

ED. No stimulants for me, eh, eh…?

CAMMY. Name’s Cammy…

STEW. So…so should wi mibi sit, eh Ed; then yi could tell us what yi…?


ED. And the guy in the corner: will he want ti sit wi us?

CAMMY. He’ll come ower if he feels like it!

STEW. Is that OK, Ed?

ED. Welfare of the survivor comes first.

DIMPS. Aw fuck it’s gonnae be aw this shite…carin shite?

CAMMY. Aw Dimps, admit it: you love a bit o carin, ih?

DIMPS. Noh the kind you git…

STEW. Whenever you’re ready Ed…?

DIMPS. Guy wi dey ken: dummy under his airm: better git it sorted Stew, / what’s his racket…?

CAMMY. Ah fancied a doll when Ah wis wee: mah ma soon beat that oot mi…wanted her laddie ti be a HE MAN…(Laughs)

STEW. Want ti settle doon, guys?


Stew Cammy and Dimps sit on their cushions
Ed sits on the stool; takes the doll from under his arm; sits it on his knee

ED. Ed and doll; that’s us…! (Pause) We’re both used to extreme reactions…all part of the therapy…

DIMPS. Fuckin did aw that therapy shite…(Bites his nails) Ah wanti ti ken what you’re game is?

STEW. Dimps gee the man a chance, ih?

CAMMY. True trust only comes with real healing…(Laughs)

STEW. Whenever yur ready Ed!


ED. As Ah said before: Ed and doll. (Pause) Best place ti start? (Pause) Mibi some questions fi the group? Wid that be OK eh, Stew?


CAMMY. That wid be fur group members ti decide?


DIMPS. Wur you abused?

ED. Yes!

DIMPS. Whey wis it did you…yur faithir?

STEW. Mibi Cammy might like ti ask Ed a question?


CAMMY. Awright if Ah dae a bit ironin?

Cammy takes a newspaper from the pile; starts ironing

DIMPS. Wis it yur faithir?

ED. Never kent mah faithir! (Pause) Kent mah mother though.

DIMPS. Aw Cammy you an him kin share thigithir?

Cammy holds the iron out toward Dimps

CAMMY. Hey Stew man, you noh wantin ti ask um anything?

STEW. Would it be…?

STEVE. Why’s naebody askin aboot the…the…that…that…?

DIMPS. Fuckin hell Steve, the, the: that, that: what, what?

CAMMY. Lay off Steve or Ah’ll lay yin oan you…

STEW. Take it easy Steve!

STEVE. Yis kin hear mi: bit yi cannae see mi, OK?

CAMMY. Yur jist a presence: jist a sound Stevie boy.

STEVE. Bairn, that bairn he’s got!

CAMMY. Steve mah son; it’s a doll; noh a bairn.

ED. Kin be a bairn if yi want it ti be: aw part o the therapy.

CAMMY. Dey make a cunt oot um: oot Steve.


ED. It can be you: you as a wee boy.

DIMPS. He’s fuckin nutso!

STEW. Think yi better explain Ed: what’s the objective here?

ED. Gittin in touch wi the wee boy thit’s trapped inside us aw.

DIMPS. Come oan Stew, wi did aw this shite in the hospital: gawn back back ti the childhood crap…

STEW. What diyi say wi gee Ed a go: let um dae his stuff; if wur noh comfortable then wi kin…

CAMMY. Vaporize um! (Laughs)

Steve jumps up; rushes toward Ed; tries to grab doll


Ed pushes Steve away

DIMPS. Fuck sake he’s gonnae take an eppy…

STEVE. Beam mi up Scotty: beam me an the bairn up…SCOTTY!

Steve grabs the doll
Ed grabs the doll back

CAMMY. Doll Steve: it’s a doll…playin pretend Steve…

STEW. Time oot: wi need time oot…!!

Cammy helps Steve back to the corner

ED. (Laughs) (Pause) Bairn wis saved afore, snatched fi the jaws an claws o the man thit wanted ti eat him all up (Laughs) bit his beloved carers captured an trapped him jist the same…

DIMPS. Bangs his fists on the floor

STEW. Time oot, help me here guy’s…TIME OOT!!!

Cammy Dimps and Steve start swimming movements

CAMMY DIMPS. (Sing) Oh I do like to be beside the sea side….

Lights Fade

Lights Up

Cammy and Dimps sit on their cushions;
Cammy holds Steve with one arm: the other holds the iron
Stew sits close by
Ed sits on the stool with doll on his knee

STEVE. Only wanted ti help the bairn: didnae want ti hurt the bairn Cammy…

CAMMY. Remember what Ah telt yi: it’s only pretend.


STEW. So, wur agreed? Wi gee this another shot?

DIMPS. Fuckin too complicated aw this: Ah’m tryin ti watch him: bit Ah keep watchin the doll…

CAMMY. You friggin tart Dimpsy: he wants yi ti watch the doll: noh watch him…

DIMPS. Bit he’s thi yin makin the doll dae things…

CAMMY. That’s the point you divvy: he disnae want oany body ti ken what he’s up ti…

DIMPS. ‘Still too fuckin complicated!!

ED. It’s quite simple…wee guy here: we gee um a voice.

DIMPS. He’s a fuckin fruit cake!

CAMMY. Listen ti the man wi SANE stamped oan his discharge papers…

STEVE. Wish Ah wis strong enough ti show masell: show the look o / fuddle muddle oan mah face…

STEW. Steve yiv opened up wi a voice thit’s pittin inti words what’s concernin yi: pat yursell oan the back!


CAMMY. Kin he talk the noo: the dumm…the wee guy?

DIMPS. Is he you…you when you wur a bairn?


ED. He kin be whey ever Ah want him ti be.

DIMPS. You’re a fuckin psycho: fuckin geein me the shivers.

CAMMY. Wantin mi ti heat yi up? (Holds the iron toward Dimps)

Stew steps between Cammy and Dimps

STEVE. Naebodie’s bothered aboot the bairn!


ED. Let’s say doll is aw the wee boys, aw the teeny totsy boys aw ower this great big shit infested spinnin sphere.

DIMPS. Spinnin sphere? jist say world.

DOLL. It’s not what he says (Pause) it’s the way he says it!

CAMMY. WOOOOOH! Fuckin hell: listen ti it talk?

STEVE. Disnae talk like a bairn…

ED. Well done Steve!

DIMPS. Dolly sounds like the voice o authority…

CAMMY. Telt yi awready: dinnae make a cunt oot o Steve.

DIMPS. Dummie’s a toff! OOOH ladeda… An steady Eddy yur lips wur movin: Stew you’re supposed ti be leadin this group: git him in line!

STEW. Mibi wi should caw it a / day guys, mean…

ED. This wee guy here? He’s mah wee brother, wee Micky…

DIMPS. Wis he abused?


STEVE. Bit Cam, it looks like a wee bairn: a wee boy!

DIMPS. Mah brother fucked off jist in time: mah sister wis safe though…

CAMMY. Would you like to tell me about being an only child?

DIMPS. We kin see it’s a fuckin doll: so, where’s yur real wee brother Micky noo?

ED. Deid!

STEW. Ah dey ken, should wi mibi leave it the day; let the group decide if wi wanti…?

STEVE. Beam me doon Scotty! Beam mi doon beam mi doon…

CAMMY. Steve boy, maintain the cool…

DIMPS. Steve’s gonnae be heard an not seen…!

STEVE. So if you’re pretendin he’s yur wee brother, yur deid wee brother, will you jist be you? Cause if he’s yur deid wee brother how kin somebody ordinary like you talk ti him, how kin somebody ordinary like you git him ti talk back ti you? mean yid hae ti be special: some kindae magician. Ah’m fadin fast!

ED. (Laughs) Oh Steve, Steve? (Pause) I’d be – for this therapy session – the abuser or / as you say…magician.

DIMPS. The faithir?

CAMMY. The mother?

STEVE. (Whispers) The uncle?

Cammy Steve Dimps all look at Stew

ED. Whey ever paes the maiste money…

DIMPS. Fuckin wanker’s a sicko…


STEVE. Ah’m fadin again, slowly meltin…

CAMMY. Naw, hawd oan, you sayin the wee brother: wee Micky wis bought an paed fur?

STEW. Look wur gittin side tracked here, should we noh be stickin / ti the therapy session?

DIMPS. Fuckin perv’s: fuckin paein fur a bairn, gees me the boc…

ED. Happenin as we speak: biggest money makin racket these days? Guns; heroin an bairns: supply an demand: demand an supply!


CAMMY. Fuckin well jenned up you ur, ih?

DIMPS. Mister infor fuckin mation?

CAMMY. Facilitator’s need ti be jenned up: need ti be fully clued up cause that’s what they git paed for, right ED? Facilitator’s huv ti be yin step ahead o us nutters; huv ti unscramble oor brains wi therapy double speak, an if that disnae work? Straight ti Edison medicine…

ED. Ah dinnae git paed: Ah’m a survivor jist like you’s: Ah’m daein this voluntary…

DIMPS. Aw, that’s aw right then, is it? Fuckin do gooder: do goodin / here there an every fuckin where…

CAMMY. Do gooder’s: doin good: coverin up the wrong they’ve done?

STEW. Dis that noh make a difference, guy’s: Ed bein yin o us…dis that noh mean we should feel…feel safer?

CAMMY. Safer? Safer? Yi make it sound as if wur feelin safe awready: been feelin safe aw the time…safe what the fuck dis that mean?

DIMPS. Only time Ah feel safe is when mah machete’s jist been sharpened an tucked up under mah pillow (Laughs)

Long silence

STEVE. Ah wanti say something: pretend Ah’m noh here…

STEW. Steve you dinnae huv ti put yursell / through this…

DIMPS. Fuck sake Stew, you’re the yin aye wantin us ti share; aye wantin us ti question hings…

Long silence

CAMMY. See Ah dey git this…yur wee brother wis bought an paed fur:? Wur you?

ED. Laughs

DIMPS. What the fuck hus aw this ti dae wi us? We wurnae bought an paed fur like, like…


DIMPS. Wur aw different, Cammy, Stew, Steve; me…different right…bit the…?

CAMMY. Aw, bit the love wi needed; the love wi got fi mum; dad; uncle fuckin aunty; granny grand dad…wis the same?

DIMPS. They cunts paein fur bairns:? that’s perverted fuckin slime.

CAMMY. An noh a bit love ti be seen oanywhere?

DIMPS. Cut the fuckin crap Cam…your ma loves yi; mah da loves me an Steve’s Uncle Sandy loves him…deep deep doon they love us…

STEW. Dimps why don’t we take five; chill / oot an mibi…?

DIMPS. An you Stew? Your ma loves you. Everythin jist got mixed aroond: only wae they could show thur love wis daein what / they did ti us…?

CAMMY. Shut the fuck up Dimps; you’re moving back aw the time runnin backward…we wurnae paed fur cause we came wi nae price tag attached: sittin oan the shelf: free merchandise: fuckin there fur the takin…Crease suhun will yi: / where’s mah iron?

Cammy goes to newspapers: crushes some; starts ironing them

DIMPS. You fuckin agreein wi Ed the ned? You takin sides wi a fuckin guy thit kin only talk through a DUMMY?

Cammy Dimps run at each other
Steve throws himself at their feet; grabs both their ankles

STEVE. Beam me up Scotty? Up up up…

Cammy Dimps seperate
Cammy hugs Steve

ED. Yi make it sound like this is aw some sorti NEWS ti you: bairns gittin bought an selt!

STEW. Ah kin feel nuthin bit tension; nuthin bit aggro in here (Pause) Ed, this place here is a safe place…place where the group disnae feel threatened…

DIMPS. If he disnae shut his fuckin trap aboot slimey pervs buyin kids: he’ll be gittin threatened wi GBH.

CAMMY. (Laughs) Stew you’re the man advised us that bringin this guy in wid move us forward, (Sings) Wur off ti see the wizard: wonderful wizard o OZ…

Long Silence

ED. Look, it’s quite simple: Stew’s telt mi aw aboot the group, / therefore Ah…

DIMPS. Fuck sake! What happened ti the confidentiality clause?


CAMMY. Ah don’t give a fuck whey kens aboot me: Ah’m noh ashamed or guilty, so what kin you dae fur me; dae fur us: you thit kens aw aboot us?

STEVE. Uncle Sandy better be deid: if he’s noh deid then…then Ah um! If he funds oot thit oanybody else funds oot what him an me’s daein…aw beam mi up…beam mi up Scotty!

DIMPS. Stew what the fuck’s this cunt oan aboot?

STEVE. It’s a trick: he’s tryin ti pit some kindae spell oan us…same is / wee Sandy…Scottttttty…?

CAMMY. Stew ur you gonnae jist sit there; sit there sayin nothing…

DIMPS. He’s never said nothing: he’s noh sayin nuthin now! He’s like / that fuckin dummy!

CAMMY. As usual Dimps: you’re talking through yur erse: Stew talks aw the time…

DIMPS. Aye, bit what the fuck dis he say?


STEW. Ah dey ken what ti say…thought we’d be ready fur…

ED. Perfect timin Stew: this is where Doll comes in…


Ed holds doll out toward Stew

DIMPS. An if yi did ken what ti say…?

STEW. Widnae ken how ti say it!

Long silence

CAMMY. Ur you feared Stew…feared o him, / feared o this Ed?

STEW. Why wid Ah be feared: what wid Ah be feared o?

STEVE. Beam mi up Scotty!


CAMMY. Yur usually it the steerin wheel: in chargo;

ED. Mibi he’s feared o Stew! (Pause) Kin face that…face that fear through doll: he kin dae his talking through doll…?

CAMMY. Stew feared o hisell?

DIMPS. Ah’m feared o what Ah’m gonnae dae if this shite disnae stop…

CAMMY. Nane o us wid be too happy if somebody: anybody: come in here frightenin a survivor: could end up, wellllll…?

DIMPS. Yince an fur aw: what the fuck ur you wantin here…here wi us?


DOLL. I want to be re born: want to take a break…break away from ME! The real me…the me that feels no guilt; that feels no revulsion / at what I did…no…at what I do…?

DIMPS. Fuckin dummies accents gittin oan mah tits…

CAMMY. Ed you still wi yur mother? still letting hur huv ur wicked wae wi yi: (Pause) you still lovin her? Come ti mamma baby: come ti mamma…


STEW. Ah’m gonnae call this meetin ti an end.

DIMPS. Ur you fuck; he’s noh leavin here till he tells us what his fuckin game is. He’s noh disappearin fi here kenin awthin aboot me…an me…me kenin fuck aw aboot him, what diyi say Cammy: what di yi say Steve?

DOLL. I want to be like…like Stew!

CAMMY. (Sings) OOOOHOOOOHOOOOH Ah wannae be like Stewew,/ Ah

STEVE. So dae Ah: Stew’s like really cool; really strong

CAMMY. wannae walk like Stew: talk like Stew, ooooooh…!

STEVE. image: yi kin see um clear as anything..


CAMMY. Dolly’s daein the talking Dimps, ya choob…an dolly disnae ken / anybody ‘cept…’cept… (Pause) EDDY!

DIMPS. You’re as fuckin / wacko as Ed the ned!

STEW. Ah’m feelin bad…really bad (Pause) Ah thought bringin Ed in would help us (Pause) but aw Ah hear is aggression: anger: negativity (Pause) thought it would help you guy’s resolve some hidden issues…

CAMMY. What fuckin hidden issues?


DIMPS. We’re noh hidin anythin: / you ken aw aboot…

ED. Ah think what Stew means is noh what happened ti yi in the past: bit what’s happenin ti yis now.

DIMPS. An what’s happenin ti Stew now?

ED. Stew’s dealin wi his issues quite well: yi noh think si?


CAMMY. An ur yi Stew? Yur aye oan / it us…how the fuck…?

STEW. ME! Ah wis abused – confused – defused – refused – used used used (Pause) bit Ah’m noh like yous…

DIMPS. Yur in denial ya daft cunt…same is yi wur in the hospital: we’re aw sittin gabbin…an you…mooth as tight as a ducks arse…

CAMMY. Wi aw ended up in the hospital;/ wi aw ended…

ED. Stew’s been in a few hospitals…

STEVE. Ah wanti melt right inti a dream…


CAMMY. Correct me if Ah’m wrong here: Dimps, Steve, yous git the feelin Ed kens mair aboot Stew than we do…?

DOLL. Ask me what I know: I know more about Ed; more about Stew than they know about themselves (Pause) I can give you
all the information you need…

DIMPS. Fuckin Pinnochio sounds like the voice of authority, their the / yins ken aw aboot us…


ED. Laughs

Cammy goes toward doll: punches it in the face


DIMPS. Stew, Cammy’s beatin the fuck oot a doll? Dae something…? / Fuckin fightin wi a doll?

ED. Micky, feels nothin; nae pain; nae pleasure, nuthin.

STEVE. Ah want relax city, Stew take us ti the beach?

Steve moves around as if he’s swimming
Cammy goes to Steve; holds him
Cammy Steve Dimps all move around as if they are swimming


CAMMY. (Sings) Oh I do like to be beside the seaside: do like to be beside the sea…

DOLL. She sells sea-shells on the sea shore!

ED. Laughs

Lights Fade

Lights Up

Cammy Dimps and Steve all sit on cushions

DIMPS. Fuckin tell yi now Cammy, Ed the ned better git that fuckin dummy zipped up tight in that bag…

STEVE. (Whispers) Kin yis hear mi breathin?

CAMMY. Go back ti sleep Steve.

DIMPS. How the fuck kin he sleep? Wur sat here waitin oan a category A psycho comin back in…

CAMMY. Naebody’s forcing yi stae Dimps…yur noh oan a section!

DIMPS. Fuckin guid job Stew took him oot: Ah wis losin it…

CAMMY. Aye, aye…

DIMPS. Cammy ur you gonnae say something aboot…?

CAMMY. Ah’m thinking…


DIMPS. What the fuck ur they daein oot there?


CAMMY. Stew wis in a hurry there: hurry ti git the Ed man ootside…

DIMPS. Kent Ah wis gonnae huv the cunt…

CAMMY. Stew sayin nought aboot bairns bein bought an selt…?

DIMPS. What the fuck has aw that ti dae wi us? Listenin ti that diseased garbage… (Dimps goes to the punch bag; starts hitting it)


CAMMY. This Ed guy seemed ti git a bit man united…

Cammy goes to the ironing board; starts ironing newspapers

DIMPS. Man united? ‘Boot what?

CAMMY. ‘Boot bairns gittin selt fur sex?

DIMPS. Come oan then Taggart?

CAMMY. You noticed anything aboot that Ed?

DIMPS. Apart fi the fact he’s a guy in his thirties: sittin wi a doll oan his fuckin knee? (Laughs)



CAMMY. Need ti iron: cannae think: need ti iron.

Cammy starts ironing newspapers



CAMMY. He sits hunched ower; wi yin leg stuck ahint the other…

DIMPS. Observation therapy, ih? / Fuck me!

CAMMY. Same as Stew: baithe sit the same wae.

DIMPS. Classic abuse victim pose! (Laughs)

STEVE. It’s aw in here in the shrinks big book…

Steve pulls his coat over his head

DIMPS. Relaxed posture is what we are trying to achieve; hands held loosely over the arms of the chair; legs open…

CAMMY. Nae problem there fur your mooth Dimpsy…

STEVE. When Ah sat in the chair Ah came inti focus: nicely ooti view doon here!

DIMPS. Need ti box: cannae think: need ti box

Dimps puts on boxing gloves; starts hitting punch bag

Long silence

CAMMY. Wanti ti ken what Ah think?

DIMPS. Naw, bit we’re yur captive audience!

CAMMY. Ed’s scarin Stew!

DIMPS. Him an that dummy? FRIGHT NIGHT! (Laughs)

STEVE. A bairn cannae frighten oanybody, kin yis jist pretend Ah’m somewhere else?

CAMMY. Try a kip Steve! (Pause) Steady Eddy’s scarin Stew!

DIMPS. He kin tell um ti fuck off!

CAMMY. Same is you’ve done?

DIMPS. What?

CAMMY. Wi yur faithir?

Dimps runs toward Cammy; tries to punch him
Steve grabs Dimp’s legs; stops him

CAMMY. You bein the expert oan chasin away bogey men!

DIMPS. Wis waitin oan mair lessons fi you, master!

STEVE. Losin mah grip; mah hands ur disappearin up mah sleeve; quickness o the hand deceives the eye…

Dimps lifts Steve up


DIMPS. Jist caw me Kermit, ih Stevie boy?

STEVE. Yull noh see mi movin forward?

Cammy bends over first

CAMMY. Bit wull feel yi movin forward…

Cammy Steve Dimps play leap frog

DIMPS. (Sings) He aint heavy he’s my brotherrr, so on we /

DIMPS CAMMY STEVE. Sings go his welfare is my concern…

DIMPS. Is the door locked?

Cammy Dimps fall to the floor laughing

Long silence

CAMMY. Mibi Stew’s huvin ti face his ain demons: yi saw him; yi heard um in the hospital…an here?

DIMPS. Ah telt yi: telt him he’s in denial: fuckin zipped up tight in therapy: said so much then zilcho…an this support group wis his idea!

CAMMY. Disclosin? Mibi he needs mair time?

DIMPS. So why’d did he git Ed the ned along…git um along then let um scare um?

CAMMY. Mibi the only wae he kin disclose…fully disclose?

DIMPS. Wi gittin the shit scared oot um?

Long silence

CAMMY. Wi could set this Ed guy up?

DIMPS. Like in therapy: like wi the group managers catch thum oot: (Laughs) see if they wur really listenin?

CAMMY. Naw, we wis jist takin the piss wi thame: huvin a laugh…this is serious: this is yin o oor brother survivors bein threatened!

STEVE. Yi trick um? / Scotty beam mi up?

DIMPS. Fuck wi trickin um: let’s git kickin um…


CAMMY. Wi need ti git um talking aboot hisell…

DIMPS. Aw psycho’s love talking aboot thursell.

CAMMY. Aye, right Freudy. (Pause) Stew’s feared o um: like he’s hingin oan every word, waitin oan um sayin, sayin…

DIMPS. BOOOO! (Laughs)

STEVE. Certain words; magic words…


DIMPS. (Laughs) Like wee Sandy?

CAMMY. You fancy drinkin hospital food fur a couple o weeks Dimpsy?

Knock on the door
Steve jumps on all fours; scurries to the door; unlocks it;
Then scurries back to his cushion

CAMMY. (Sings) Some day I’ll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me, where trouble melts…

Enter Stew and Ed

Ed is carrying doll

STEW. Things got a bit over heated there, guy’s. (Pause) Understandable (Pause) Wi kin caw it a day or, or…?

Ed sits on the stool with doll
Cammy stands beside Ed
Steve crawls on his knees; sits beside Dimps

DIMPS. So, steady Eddy, where did yi dae your therapy?

ED. Where did you dae yours?

DIMPS. Very fuckin good: answerin a question wi a question!

CAMMY. How many other groups yi been ti Ed?

ED. Oh, well (Pause) several…

DIMPS. Still pissin us aroond ih?

CAMMY. We’re looking fur cooperation Ed!

Steve plays with doll’s foot

STEW. Mibi Ah ken help wi…?

CAMMY. Mibi aye: mibi noh…Ed’s the main man the day Stew: he’s the guy wi the therapy magic…jist wantin ti check his track record…many other groups yi been ti, Ed?

DOLL. But Stew can / tell you all about…

DIMPS. Hey, Wally wooden top: shut yur hole!



ED. Stew?

STEVE. Ah feel guid: Ah dey mind if the bairn kin see me: look it mi…dey feel threatened… /noh wi wee Micky…

DIMPS. IT’S A FUCKIN DOLL, di yi think we’d lit oany bairn near a fuckin creep / like him…?

STEVE. Bit folk Ah kent let me near uncle Sandy, ohohoh! Nevermeanttisaythat, nevermeantti…Ah’m disappearin again:

ED. Look, why don’t we all get comfy…

DOLL. All get cosy…


CAMMY. Kin yi shut Doll up the noo? What the fuck um Ah sayin? Listen Ed, cause we’ve got respect fur Stew, you’re here the day: Stew says yiv helped other survivors… so we’ll gee yi a chance…

ED. Stew?

STEW. As Ah said awready, wi could caw it a day an then…

ED. Ah’m gonnae take yis oan a wee journey…

CAMMY. Along the yellow brick road? (Laughs)

DIMPS. Yince upon a time Laughs there wis a big bad man…

CAMMY. A big bad wummin…

Cammy and Dimps laugh loudly

STEW. If wur gonnae dae this: mibi wi need a bit o serious here?

CAMMY. Aye, come oan Dimps let’s be…



ED. Nane o us ur sure where or when this journey started: might huv been in mommy’s vodka soaked womb: might huv been that far back (Pause) might huv been when daddy’s squiggly pissed sperm staggered it’s wae up that windin river inti that very special place where babies come fi (Pause)

DIMPS. Aw, aw, are you angry at your mother?

CAMMY. Aw, aw do you hate your mother?

CAMMY DIMPS. Aw, aw do you fear your mother?

STEW. Look Ed Ah think yi should caw it a day!

CAMMY DIMPS. Oudipeus Shmeedipeus…

STEVE. (Sings) Mah mama told me, if Ah wis goody…Scotty beam mi up an doon an / up an doon…?

DIMPS CAMMY. Once upon a time…(Laughs)

CAMMY. Grab um Dimps!

Dimps grabs Ed
Stew runs at Cammy
Cammy has the skipping ropes
Cammy and Dimps tie the rope around Ed and Doll

STEVE. NAW! nawthe rope naw…mind the bairn: dey hurt wee Micky…nae rope burns…!

Stew tries to stop them
Steve crawls around on his knees; goes toward the door

CAMMY. Dimps git Steve; keep um safe: got ti git this guy under control, need ti git um…

Cammy knocks over the water bottle by the ironing board
Dimps kneels beside Steve; cuddles him

STEW. Shouts What ur yi daein? Yi dey ken what yur daein?

DIMPS. Cool it Stew: wur daein this fur you.


STEW. Yi dinnae ken what’ll happen: he’ll git angry an when he’s angry he kin be…

Cammy looks at Dimps

CAMMY. Yiv seen…yiv seen Ed angry afore?

DIMPS. Fuck this…yi wur right…Ed’s scarin Stew!

Doll. You aint seen nothing yet: you can tie us up: tie us down: fear travels best through words: not through actions…

STEW. Look guy’s…listen untie thum ih?

CAMMY. Yiv noh answered mi Stew…yiv seen Ed angry afore: where, when?

Water starts appearing from between Doll and Ed’s legs

STEVE. AWAWAW! Bairns peein hisell, / Scotty Scotty…?

DIMPS. Fuck sake, (Laughs) it’s the fuckin Exorcist…!

STEW. Naw yis dinnae ken…yis dey understand…

Dimps takes a gardening fork

DIMPS. Ah’ll dig the fuckin truth oot yi, puke puss…

CAMMY. Steady Eddie’s gittin a taste o fear ih, ih? (Pushes Ed) Comin here scarin yin o oor brother survivors’ ih?

DIMPS. Fuckin pissin yursell in oor allotment shed…?

STEVE. Water’ magic: bad magic…fadin Ah’m fadin…

CAMMY. Wisnae me daddy: wis the Doll thit peed hisell.

Dimps grabs a pair of hedge trimmers; dances around Ed snipping at his head
Cammy holds Steve

DIMPS. Wiv only tied yi up; wait an see what wi dae fur an encore (Laughs)

STEVE. Scotty Scotty / beam the bairn up…?

CAMMY. Steve the water’s comin fi the jug: water fur the iron; see it’s fell…oan the flare…

STEVE. Water appearin; me disappearin…

CAMMY. So Ed? Gonnae tell us why yur frightnin Stew?

Dimps holds the garden shears closer to Ed’s head

DIMPS. Short back and sides, sir? Something for the weekend, sir?

CAMMY. Why’s Stew si scared o yi?

DIMPS. See Ed, Stew’s in denial; cannae disclose his fear: so we…

STEW. Cammy jist let him go ih?

CAMMY. You’re pittin the shit’s / up oor pal Stew here

DOLL. HELLLLLLO! Ask me; / I’ll tell you…

CAMMY. an yur gonnae tell us why…!

STEW. Come oan guy’s ih? Wi cannae keep thum tied up…

CAMMY. Wull untie thum when / Ed the ned gees us what wi…

DOLL. (Sings) All I want is a room somewhere, far away from the cold night / air, with one enormous chair…

CAMMY. What the fuck is this: Stars in their Eyes?

DIMPS. Where’s that fuckin axe; cawld in here; needin a fire (Laughs)

Dimps waves the axe at Doll

CAMMY. Mah patience is runnin oot: why’s Stew si feared o yi Ed…?


STEW. Yis kin blame me / fur the day: jist let them go?

CAMMY. Stew’s feared o this…this dummy?

DOLL. Thought it had been established: Doll, / my name is…

CAMMY. Look Eddy boy…jist shut the fuck up ih?


STEW. He’s noh talking…

CAMMY. What? So who’s talking?

STEW. Noh Ed: cannae be Ed…

DIMPS. Stew man this guy’s tryin ti take over. Yi saw it in therapy: some arsehole sayin it wis thur inner hatred made thum talk the wae they wur talking; how aw the bad big people hud done aw they dirty sick things ti thum: made thum that wae (Pause) Fuckin neddy Eddy here is yasin a bit o fuckin cloth an stuffin ti git um oot a sticky situation.

CAMMY. We’re here Stew; supporting yi; face the fear!

DIMPS. Look Stew man, wi ken yur aye tryin ti see the best in cunt’s like him…personally speakin Ah kin see how he’s strung yi along, fed yi some crap o bein the great survivor Saviour: simple fact is: guy’s a fuckin social engineer…

CAMMY. Same is you Dimpsy!

DIMPS. Takes one to know one?

CAMMY. Same is me!

DIMPS. You better believe it! (Laughs)

STEVE. When um jist a shadow Ah look the same as the next shadow…


STEVE. Naebody’s listenin…listenin ti what the bairn’s…

DIMPS. Come ower here Steve, Ah’m gonnae prove ti yi thit Dolly day dream here isnae real…

Dimps thumps Doll on the head


DIMPS. What the fuck ur you screamin fur…?

Dimps thumps Doll on the head


STEVE. Beam mi up Scotty…?

DIMPS. Steve, see, Ah gees Doll a thump; an Ed kids oan he feels the pain Laughs Haw Cammy seen this ih?

CAMMY. Stew mah man a doll…you’re feared o a doll?


STEVE. Listen ti mi Cammy: / Ah’m fadin fast, the book the

CAMMY. Right, this guy Ed talks thru Doll? He’s sayin

STEVE. shrinks big book, see, it’s in the book…

CAMMY. fuck all…less he says it thru Doll, is that it?

DIMPS. Come oan Stevie boy; ower aside me…?

Steve starts searching thru his large medical book

STEW. Thurs gonnae be trouble…

CAMMY. Aw wi want is fur Ed ti tell us…we’re noh gonnae laugh if he dis it thru a doll…

DIMPS. Gittin aw complicated Cam…gittin inti the personality shite again…wee made up pal syndrome…nane o us hus that shit ti deal wi…way oot oor league…

STEW. Yince and fur aw: why wid Ah be feared o Ed?

STEVE. Dey look at mi: Ah’m reading fi the book…

DIMPS. Aw here wi fuckin go…psychiatric analysis…?

CAMMY. OK Ed (Pause) Chance wur geein yi yin mair chance…yur frightenin Stew (Pause) WHY?

DOLL. Watch my lips? / I’ll tell you everything you…

DIMPS. Fuck this…lets rub Doll’s legs thigithir; set um oan fire! (Laughs)


Long Silence

CAMMY. Chill Stew, chill…Dimps is jokin!

DIMPS. Di yi see me laughin?

STEVE. Scotty? Beam / us up; beam us aw up…?

CAMMY. Get fuckin real Dimpsy?

STEW. Let them go: it’ll be like they wur never here…?

Long Silence

CAMMY. Ah’m disappointed in you Stew…really Ah um…gonnae let this guy here git away wi scarin yi…thought yi trusted us? Trusted us enough ti share yur pain wi us…trust us enough ti tell us what the fuck this guy here could possibly be frightenin yi wi…?

STEW. Yur noh listenin Cammy…nane o yis is listenin…

CAMMY. Dimps is right Stew: yur in denial: yiv got ti face yur fear heid oan…your very words…?

STEVE. Take us swimming Stew? Oot there in the water; under the water / naebody kin see me when Ah’m that far under…?

DIMPS. Steve mah man…kin yi noh see wiv got mega shit here heavy duty crisis?

CAMMY. Naw Dimps, Steve’s mibi hit oan the right idea: relax city…you, me Steve an Stew; time oot; time fur Eddy boy ti huv a think…think aboot the damage he’s caused.

STEW. Aw yis need / ti dae is let them…

CAMMY. What di yi say Dimps?

DIMPS. Upsettin oor group…? (Makes to punch Ed)


CAMMY. Need a hug Stew man!

DIMPS. Fuckin Doll’s gittin done, soon as um chilled!

STEVE. Hurry Stew: Ah’m fadin fast…

Stew starts leading the group in swimming action

CAMMY. Stew mah man direct us…get back in control!


STEW. Feel the water: it’s warm surf caressin yur uhll…

STEVE. When uh’ll the / waves cover mi up?




STEW. Yis uhll be sorry when Ed gets angry: easy strokes; feel how yi cut the water: when he’s angry he says things, bad things boot stuff thit’s happened, yis dey ken…

Stew falls to the floor
Cammy kneels beside him; holds him

CAMMY. We’re here fur yi Stew: fur how ever long it takes.


CAMMY. Tough love Stew!

DIMPS. Support group member steps oot o line…?

CAMMY. Lets the other members doon…?

STEVE. Huv ti take the confrontation: even me, partially present me.



STEVE. Wee pebbles click clickin; sand pitter patterin ginst…Ah’m divin doon doon: Ah’m disappearin Ah’m fadin…

Stew crawls to the door
Dimps moves over to Ed and Doll; pretend he’s cutting their ropes with the garden shears

DIMPS. Doll got yur fuckin tongue ih, steady Eddy?

Dimps starts moving around Ed and Doll snipping at their faces with shears
Cammy goes after Stew

CAMMY. Stae an face um Stew: we’ll help yi…wur aw brothers; supporting each other…your very words…what yi said wi wur aw aboot?

Stew unlocks the door; rushes outside
Cammy goes after him

Exit Cammy

DIMPS. We’re gonnae fund oot…fund oot the day what the fuck your up ti…(Laughs) Yur noh leavin here ever, till yi tell us! (Laughs) (He picks up the axe with the other hand and tries a blow at Doll’s leg)

STEVE. Bairn didnae wet hisell, dinnae hit um!

CAMMY. (Shouts) Dimps git oot here pronto: Stew’s in the rain barrel…

DIMPS. That’s mah fuckin rain barrel! You’ll pae fur this Eddy Eddy! Watch they scummy cunts Steve!

Exit Dimps

Steve cowers in the corner: under his sheepskin coat

STEVE. DeyleavemiDimps: they’llseeme; findmeoot; comeangit mi…take mi ti Uncle Sandy!

DOLL. Is the game nearly over Ed? Are we winning?

ED. Wis warned aboot this happenin…

Doll. Me taking over?

ED. Me losin control…

Lights Fade

Lights Up

Steve sits in the corner; his coat over his head

Doll. OHHHHH! Steve, Stevie, wont you untie a poor helpless little boy…?


STEVE. Kin yi see mi?

Doll. Not really…but I know you’re there. (Pause) Oh my arm, my arm’s so sore…(Starts to cry)


STEVE. Ah’ve ti stae hidden…Cammy n Dimps says Ah’ve ti watch you an Ed: bit you’ve noh ti watch me…

DOLL. But surely if you can see me: then you could crawl over here hidden under you’re lovely wooly sheepskin coat: then I wouldn’t be seeing you!

STEVE. Cammy said Ah wis ti stae here…

DOLL. OHHH! My poor, poor arm…

ED. Look Doll what’s the point o talkin ti Steve: he couldnae care less if yur in pain…mean…your jist a doll…

STEVE. If Ah untied you Micky: then Ah’d need ti untie Ed cause he’s in pain anaw…

DOLL. Didn’t I say earlier that Ed feels nothing; does’nt feel any pain Steve (Cries)

STEVE. Bit you dae: you feel the pain?

DOLL. I’m just a little boy Cries an inoccent little boy But I’ve a huge job to do Steve…I carry all the pain…

STEVE. Ed said yi felt nuthin: nae pain nae…

DOLL. He always say’s that: makes him feel less guilty!

STEVE. So, whey’s pain di yi feel?

ED. Aw mah pain; guilt; fear; hate…

STEVE. What aboot yur love?


DOLL. Magic let him keep that Steve…keep the love!

STEVE. Magic tricks helped me keep mah love!

ED. Magic o survival Stevie boy, survival magic…

STEVE. Stew said love kin smother the flames o hate!

DOLL. But if the flames are burning too high…?

ED. Is the survivor’s love big enough ti pit oot the fire?


STEVE. Ah’m a survivor: faded: noh developed right: bit yi kin see mah love…

ED. An is it big enough ti swallow the fire o hate, swallow it an turn it inti smoke thit disappears…?

Steve starts to crawl toward Doll and Ed: he keeps his coat over his head

STEVE. Watch how mah love free’s yis fi hate an pain…?

DOLL. Oh please hurry Steve, hurry: set me free?

Steve reaches up; unties Doll

Enter Dimps Cammy and Stew

STEW. NAWNAWNAW! Dey take him…dey take Doll away fi Ed.

Stew runs to Ed and holds him: starts to untie him

STEW. Ed thull noh take um, AH’ll noh let thum take Doll away…(starts screaming)


CAMMY. Stew man, how kin yi be si scared o a fuckin doll…?

DIMPS. Face up ti the cunt Steve; / yur makin mi boc…

STEVE. Only wanted ti free the bairn: free wee Micky…

Dimps runs at Ed and Doll with the gardening shears
Steve scurries back to the corner

DOLL. Harm me? You’ll all be / sooooory: you’ll be punished

DIMPS. Ah’m gonnae make toothpicks oot that fuckin Doll!

DOLL. and sent away… / away into the dark cold earth

CAMMY. Jist tell us why yur frightenin Stew?

DOLL.just like Micky…he was punished / and buried in the

DIMPS. Tell yi Eddie boy if you dinnae fuckin tell us…

DOLL. hide away place…paupers grave…

STEW. Telt yis…telt yis he’d git angry…Ed, Ed say something?

Ed sits with his head bowed

CAMMY. Will yi stop grovellin ti that scum Ed…

Stew runs to Cammy; starts to beat him

DIMPS. Fuck it yur dyin (Dimps plunges the gardening shears into Doll)

Ed starts screaming; runs at Dimps; grabs the shears from him; runs at Stew
Stew falls to the floor
Ed drops Doll beside him
Ed holds the shears at Stew’s throat
Dimps and Cammy go toward Ed

CAMMY. Fuckin hold it Dimps: he might kill Stew?

ED. Yiv done it now, yiv killed Doll…

STEVE. Doll’s got aw Ed’s pain; guilt; hate; anger; fear…wull it disappear: like me…?

DIMPS. Fur the last fuckin time: IT’S A DOLL; A FUCKIN DOLL…nae heart; nae brain; nae fuckin feelins…

ED holds the shears toward Dimps and Cammy

ED. Tell them Stew, tell thum how Ah frighten yi?

DIMPS. You’re gittin rubbed oot.

Stew starts licking Ed’s boots

DIMPS. What the fuck is…?

ED. Nice one Stew, lickin the dirt off…dirt fi wee Micky’s grave…

CAMMY. Micky? Yur wee brother Micky?

ED. Where’s the evidence Stew: where’s Micky’s radio?

DIMPS. Ed the ned you’re / headin fur the Twilght Zone…

CAMMY. How the fuck dis Stew ken oanythin boot wee Micky; wee Micky’s grave; wee Micky’s radio?

DIMPS. Shouldve hud that cunt / destroyed first time we…

CAMMY. Shut the fuck up Dimps! Cannae think…need ti iron…

He goes to the ironing board; picks up a crumpled newspaper; starts ironing it

DIMPS. Stew you better git this scummy fucker fixed oot…Git up an / face the slimey creep…

CAMMY. OK Ed mah man, gonnae pit the big scissors doon?

DIMPS. Fuckin great: now wur sweet talking the psycho?


CAMMY. OK Stew, wull git rid o this Ed…wull send um packin…?

ED. Naw yull noh! Cause he’ll need me; cannae dae athoot mi!

Ed grabs the radio; throws it at Stew; it breaks

DIMPS. How the fuck will he need YOU?

ED. Cause Ah’m his brother; an he’s aye needed me!

CAMMY. Stew’s oor brother: we’re aw brothers…

ED. Ah’m his real brother…

CAMMY. RIGHT THAT’S FUCKIN IT…What’s gawn oan here?

DIMPS. Fuckin complicated Cammy, oot o oor league…

ED. See how simple the radio looks oan the ootside? Bit inside aw tiny wee components; tiny wee delicate compnents…jist like wee Micky?

Stew starts screaming; rolls about in pain
Steve crawls from the corner; sits beside Stew; holds him

STEW. She made mi…auld lady said if wi didnae help ur bury wee Micky…they’d fund oot…she’d go doon…go inside…(Screams)

DIMPS. Fuckin conspiracy, thurs a fuckin conspiracy gawn…

CAMMY. Dimpsy gonnae button it? (Pause) Stew yi better fuckin pit us in the picture here? Fuckin situation’s nitro glycerine crazy…

ED. Micky, oor wee six an half yur auld brother; blue wi cold; white wi starvation; grey wi dayth; an you Stew, slitherin inti bed aside me, fuckin scratchy school socks rubbin mi raw…

STEVE. Scotty where ur yi, Scotty beam us up, beam us aw up?

Cammy and Dimps go to Steve; they all huddle together


DIMPS. Aw naw, fuckin disclosin time, thur gonnae disclose!

Stew struggles up; kneels beside Ed; holds onto his legs

CAMMY. Yur in pain Stew? Hus he hurt yi?

ED. Tell thum Stew, last chance, many times we been here?


STEW. Hud ti tell yi it widnae hurt…hurt the same as when they did it…they wurnae lovin yi…Ah wis lovin yi…yi kept sayin yi wur feared…aw Ah wanted ti dae wis love yur fear away; love yur pain away…Doll did mi ooti that…Doll came fi some hide away…took oan what Ah shouldve took oan…your pain…

Cammy goes toward Stew
Dimps goes toward Ed

DIMPS. Confrontation time?

CAMMY. Tough love time?

Dimps and Cammy grab Ed and Stew push them to the floor; make them sit cross legged
Stew and Ed hold each other

Cammy and Dimps sit in front of Stew and Ed
Steve crawls over to Cammy and Dimps: he has his coat over his head
Cammy Dimps Steve Start screaming
Ed and Stew start screaming


STEW. We huv ti tell, tell what happened, tell somebody thit kin stop it aw happenin again…

Ed and Stew sit with head’s bowed


DIMPS. Fuckin slimey Ed / comin here; bringin yur stories;

CAMMY. Stew ya cunt makin oot / yi wur OK, leadin us along

STEVE. (Screams)

DIMPS. abusing yur brother, Stew: bringin back yur pals;

CAMMY. helping cover up wee Micky’s dayth…fuckin slimey


DIMPS. ti git selt ti mair fuckin pervs; fuckin scum, yur

CAMMY. selfish bastards: ‘what could Ah dae; she made mi’

DIMPS. yasin the system: tryin ti make us feel sorry fur

CAMMY. thinking yi wur safe in here: hidin in here wi us


DIMPS. yi, yi must huv kent what yi wur daein, must huv

CAMMY. ur yis ready ti repent; ready ti disclose; ready

DIMPS. huv kent ti tell somebody; the polis; the social

CAMMY. ti come clean. Ur yis weakened; ur yis ready fur

STEVE. AH’M COMIN OOT O HIDIN (He stands up; grabs doll)

DIMPS. why did yis noh tell somebody?

CAMMY. healin…ur yis ready ti face the fear; the hate?
forgive yursell’s…?

Cammy and Dimps fall over on to each other


STEVE. They wur the same as us…bairns jist bairns; seen bit noh heard…SCOTTY SCOTTY…?

Steve hides under his coat


Cammy and Dimps get up
Cammy goes to the ironing board starts ironing
Dimps goes to the punch bag; puts on the boxing gloves; starts punchin the bag

ED. Will Ah feel the pain Stew…feel it now…?

STEW. Now that Doll’s been tane away?

ED. Kin Ah take mah punishment: like you took yours?

STEW. It hud ti stop Ed; we hud ti breck the chain; breck the cycle…

ED. Bit noo, they three ken aw thin, ken everythin wi did…noo wi huv ti be feared o thame…?


STEW. Ah’m takin yur fear Ed


DIMPS. Ah’m takin yur fear Stew

CAMMY. Ah’m takin yur fear Dimps

STEVE. Ah’m takin yur fear Cammy…


Dimps takes off the boxing gloves
Cammy wipes the iron; lays it down
Dimps and Cammy walk toward Steve; lift off his coat; help him up
Steve Cammy Dimps start playing leap frog

CAMMY. Ah’m takin yur coat Steve

STEW. Ah’m takin yur pain Ed

DIMPS. Ah’m takin yur pain Stew

CAMMY. Ah’m takin yur pain Dimps

Steve, Ah’m takin yur pain Cammy

Steve Cammy Dimps stop playing leap frog

ED. (Sings) Someones head resting on my knee warm and tender as he can be…who’d take good care of me, oh wouldn’t it…


CAMMY DIMPS STEW. (Sings) Somewhere over the rainbow way up high there’s a land that I’ve heard of once in a lullaby…


CAMMY. Yi still in hidin Steve?

STEVE. Is it that time: sharin time?

DIMPS. Ah fuckin hate this bit: gees me the boc…

CAMMY. Group rules is rules…

STEVE DIMPS CAMMY STEW ED. Wur here the day, an the day is the first day o oor lives. Wur here ti share an care. Wur here ti gee each other strength. Wur here ti face what wis done ti us. Wur here ti admit the truth ti oorsells. Wur here ti forgive oorsells; ti forgive each other. Wur here ti git the courage ti expose the perpetrators.


STEVE DIMPS STEW ED. Cammy, Cammy, Cammy, Cammy?

CAMMY. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say: mah abuser phoned mi oan Thursday; telt mi Ah’d ti git back ti hur…

STEVE DIMPS STEW ED. Did yi dae it, did yi dae it?

CAMMY. Naw Ah didnae, naw Ah didnae…

STEVE DIMPS STEW ED. Group hug group hug group hug

They all hug each other

CAMMY STEVE STEW ED Dimpsy Dimpsy Dimpsy Dimpsy

DIMPS. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say, mah abuser: fuckin slime, followed mi inti the paper shop on Tuesday; fuckin scum…

CAMMY STEVE STEW ED. Did yi run away, did yi run away?

DIMPS. Naw Ah didnae, naw a fuckin didnae!!

CAMMY STEVE STEW ED. Group hug group hug group hug…

CAMMY DIMPS STEW ED. Stevie Stevie Stevie Stevie…


STEVE. Ah’m still fuzzy roond the edges; still a bit faint…

CAMMY DIMPS STEW ED. Stevie Stevie Stevie Stevie…

STEVE. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say…(starts to pull his coat over his head)

CAMMY DIMPS STEW ED. Stevie Stevie Stevie…?

Steve throws his coat aside

STEVE. Strong enough ti say, mah abuser started laughin when Ah said Ah wis leavin…

CAMMY DIMPS STEW ED. An ur yi ur yi?

STEVE. Aye Ah um Ah’m gawn ti the coonsul; ask for a hoose.

CAMMY DIMPS STEW ED. Group hug group hug group hug…

CAMMY DIMPS STEVE ED. Stew boy Stew boy Stew boy…

STEW. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say, (starts to cry)

CAMMY DIMPS STEVE ED. Stew boy Stew boy Stew boy…?

STEW. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say, Ah’ll try an forgive mah sell an forgive mah brother.

CAMMY DIMPS STEVE ED. Wull yi wull yi…?


STEW. Aye Ah wull, Ah wull.

CAMMY DIMPS STEVE ED. Group hug group hug group hug



ED. The day Ah feel strong enough ti say, Ah’ll…Ah’ll try an (starts to cry) try an try an…(starts to cry) try ti love mah brother…


CAMMY DIMPS STEVE STEW. An will yi will yi will yi…

ED. Ah’ll try, Ah’ll try…

CAMMY DIMPS STEVE STEW. Group hug group hug group hug…

STEVE. Ah’m jist a sound: a voice OK? (Pause) Ed take mah fear; mah guilt; mah anger; mah hate; mah pain…?

Ed holds his arms open to Steve

ED. (Sings) Someones head resting on my knee…who’d take good care of me (Pause) Lots of coal making lots of heat; lots of

STEW. (Sings) chocolate for me to eat…wouldn’t it be lovely lovely lovely lovely…

ED STEW. (Sing) All I want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air, with one enormous chair oh wouldn’t it…

Dimps Cammy Steve Stew start playing leap frog; Ed joins them

Light Fades


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Deadly Weapons. 2024. In The Scottish Corpus of Texts & Speech. Glasgow: University of Glasgow. Retrieved 29 May 2024, from

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Information about Document 600

Deadly Weapons


Text audience

Adults (18+)
Audience size 100+

Text details

Method of composition Wordprocessed
Word count 15826

Text medium


Text performance/broadcast details

Where performed/broadcast Craigmillar Arts Festival, July 2003
Performed/broadcast by Imperative Productions

Text setting


Text type

Script (film, play, radio, tv etc.)


Author details

Author id 537
Forenames Cecilia
Surname Grainger
Gender Female
Decade of birth 1940
Educational attainment College
Age left school 15
Upbringing/religious beliefs Catholicism
Occupation Writer
Place of birth Edinburgh
Region of birth Midlothian
Birthplace CSD dialect area midLoth
Country of birth Scotland
Place of residence Dalkeith
Region of residence Midlothian
Residence CSD dialect area midLoth
Country of residence Scotland
Father's occupation Caretaker
Father's place of birth Bonnyrigg
Father's region of birth Midlothian
Father's birthplace CSD dialect area midLoth
Father's country of birth Scotland
Mother's occupation Shop Assistant
Mother's place of birth Wishaw
Mother's region of birth Lanark
Mother's birthplace CSD dialect area Lnk
Mother's country of birth Scotland


Language Speak Read Write Understand Circumstances
English Yes Yes Yes Yes Performance, poetry, home
Scots Yes Yes Yes Yes Performance, poetry, home