Document 114

Nicatine Patches?

Author(s): Robert Fairnie

Copyright holder(s): Robert Fairnie

Geordie Jooks’ guid-wife Beenie is an awfu wumman for talkin. Fae the meinit she gits hersel ower the bed in the mornin, tae aboot five meinits efter she faws asleep at nicht, it’s juist talk, talk, talk aw the time. Geordie aye ettles tae keep weel oot the wey as aften as he can for the’r monies the time that a Vickers machine-gun wad be nae match at aw agin Beenie’s tung. But the’r times an aw when he cannae dae ocht aboot it an his tae bide in the hoose an thole the muckle onding fae the mooth o his better hauf. Onless he wis eatin oot at the gowf club, denner times wis yin o thae times he cuidnae jouk.

Ower the years he hid lairnt hou tae switch his lugs aff an, at the same time, his tung hid lairnt hou tae gie juist the richt monosyllabic repone noo an again sae that Beenie didnae catch on she wis talkin tae hersel. The words in his automatic leet wis maistlie, “Ay”, “Ay?”, “Naw”, “Uh huh” an the odd, “Is that richt?” But Geordie hid tae awn that this ploy didnae aye work an ilka noo an again he wad git catched oot.

This denner time, Beenie hid been gaun her dinger e’er syne they hid sat thirsels doon at the table an wis fairly giein it laldie noo that she hid gotten hersel intae a guid gaun rhythm.

“Ken thon Snawface’s Veronica, thon Veronica yin that smokes lik a pouer hoose lum?”

“Ay.”

“Weel, ye’ll niver guess. She’s stoppit smokin. Twa month noo an niver hid a draw.”

“Mm.”

“Duin it aw wi thae nicatine patches tae an noo, her sister Sadie says she’s gaun tae try an stop an aw. Can ye imagine thon Sadie yin no smokin? Gin thae patches can git the likes o her tae stop an aw, then A doot they maun be naethin short o miraculous. Ye’d hardly credit whit a wee patch on yer airm cuid dae noo-a-days. Ar you listenin tae me, Geordie? Ye’r no sayin a word thare. Dinnae think A dinnae ken when yer mind’s awa somewhaur else. Ye’r juist like yer faither. Nae doot ye’r wishin ye cuid git patches tae stap fowk talkin an aw. Ay, A ken you, Geordie Jooks.”

Geordie’s auto-pilot chynged ower intae manual.

“Och, ye can git patches oot the chemist for that areddies.” says he.

“Tae stap fowk talkin?”

“Ay.”

“A didnae ken that. Ye mean ye stick a wee patch on yer airm an that helps ye tae stap talkin?”

“Naw, A daurs! Ye hiv tae stick it ower yer bluidie mooth wumman! – Ooouch!”

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Nicatine Patches?