Document 29

Awfy thochts: The closemouth jottings of Wullie MacKersall

Author(s): Michael Hamish Glen

Copyright holder(s): Michael Hamish Glen

HUMAN FRAILTY


GET AHEAD

In the pictures
Ernie sat
Ahint a biddy
In a hat.

He asked her nice
Tae tak it aff.
'Awa an bile
Yir heid, ye nyaff.'


NOSE JOB

Auld Shuey's neb
Has aye a drip,
Hingin doon
Frae aff the tip.

It's great tae watch
It mak its trip
Doon ower his 'tache
On tae his lip.


NIGHT SHIFT

Ah'm no a clype
But Jean McPartan
Is wan stripe short
O ony tartan.

Hings her washing
Oot at nicht
Because her claes are
Sic a sicht!


COMELY BANK

Arthur Hendry's
Made some money.
Mairrit weel an
Cries her 'Honey'.

Noo each nicht they're
Drinking plonk,
An livin doon in
Kimly Bonk.


BILE TAM

Tammie Burns
Has had a bile,
Oan his neck fur
Quite a while.

It wis unco
Sair at first.
Noo it's throbbin
Fit tae burst.


FIT LIKE

We've got a lassie
Alang wir street
Wi wee short legs
An muckle feet.

The shoeshop man
Says 'Aw that fits
Is this auld pair
O navvy's bits'.


WELL SPOTTED

Ah've a china,
He's cried Luke.
Ye can tell him
By his plook.

It's oan his neb
Jist tae wan side.
Each time he looks
He gangs cross-eyed.


REAR VIEW

Auld Erchie's nearly
Reached a hunner.
'Life,' he says, 'is
Sic a scunner.

Ma freen's aw deid,
Aye, every felly.
Aw Ah can dae is
Watch the telly.'


UNCOOPERATIVE

Yon Betty's maw,
Ye hae tae chivvy
Tae ask the Store
Tae pey her divi.

It's aw because
She thinks it posh
Tae say she disnae
Need the dosh.


FRANKLY

Mrs Campbell
Up the road's
Got a face like
An ugly toad's.

Forbye her figure's
Like a tramp's.
She'd look weel
Oan postage stamps.


LAST ORDERS

'Ca the doctor, Ah'm
Near tae deein.'
'Dinnae be daft, ye
Cam hame fleein.'

'Haud yer wheest, ye
Wilfu wumman.
This time Ah ken ma
End is comin.'


END OF THE DAY

Ma shift is done,
Ma legs is sair,
Ah cannae even
Climb the stair.

Ah'll need tae wait
Here fur the wife,
And she can gie
The kiss o life.


BLINDING RAIN

'Jeez' said Jessie,
'See that felly,
The wan ablow
Yon umbarelly.

He cannae see
Whit wey tae go,
He keeps that brolly
Doon so low.'


SEASONS GREETING

Kenny's heid is
Big an bald.
An in the winter
It gets cauld.

But summer disnae
Mak him smile.
Fur then his heid
Jist starts tae bile.


UP IN SMOKE

An awfy wumman
Is Muckle Maggs.
'Sees an len us
Twa-three fags.'

That's it fur ivver -
Lay yir bets.
Fur Muckle Maggs'll
No pey her debts.


BIRD OF PREY

Fiona Finlay's
Voice is freaky.
But then of course
She bides Auld Reekie.

She's got a physog
Like a vulture.
Aye moans that Glesca's
Got nae culture.


COLOURFAST

Ah had a van,
It wis yelly.
Ah jist loved
Tae gie it welly.

Then the polis
Got ower nifty
An pulled me in
Fur daeing fifty.


BENIGN

Jessie Black is
Fat an flabby.
Nivver mind her
Legs is scabby.

But Jessie boasts
Wan saving grace.
A cheerful smile
Upon her face.


ANIMAL KINGDOM


DEEP CHEEP

Ah had a budgie,
It was blue;
Lived in the cludgie,
Next tae the loo.

Doon came the cistern,
Wi a muckle rush,
Noo ma budgie's
Jist a busted flush.


WHY?

Wee Effie's pony
Is a Sheltie.
She tellt me she had
Cried it Kelty.

Ah said 'Ah beg yir
Pardon, hen,
Ye should hae cried it
Cardenden.'


NIFTIE SHOOGLE

Ma black kittlin,
She's cried Dougal,
Caught a moose
An made it shoogle.

Then she flang it
Ower her heid.
Dougal geegled. but
The moose is deid.


POLITICS

Ah've a parrot
She's cried Dolly
She's jist a clone
O wan cried Polly.

Polly's life is
Steeped in crime.
She's ate a clock and
Cannae pass the time.


ROTARY CLUB

Ma lassie's hamster's
No big deal.
Aw it does is
Birl its wheel.

Wee legs paidlin
Fur hours oan end.
Really drives ye
Roon the bend.


NICHT HOWL

Ma hairy duggie
Rins aff frae fowk.
Ma big Shuggie's
A feardie-gowk.

Shuggie's even
Feart fur the dark.
Pit oot the licht
An he's feart tae bark.


PET FOOD

Ma big rabbit
Wis a stotter.
Then next door's whippet
Went an got 'er.

Ma big Bessie
Wis a beezer.
Noo she's heidless
In the freezer.


HOT DOG

Ah ken a wumman
In oor street
Whose mongrel bitch is
Aye oan heat.

It staps ma Rover.
Frae his growlin.
But starts him aff
Oan constant howlin.


DEVERMINED

Mrs Bellman
Chased a moose
Roon an roon an
Roon her hoose.

When she trapped it,
That wis that.
Until she had tae
Chase a rat.


SHELL SHOCK

Ah've a tortoise
Name o Speedy
Fur when he eats
He's awfy greedy.

Ah tellt him no
Tae lose the heid.
But noo he has,
Ah'm feart he's deid.


FELINE FINE

My neebor's got
A lovely pussy.
Her bidie-in has
Named it Lucy.

He strokes it till
He hears her purr.
He says he loves
The feel o fur.


BITER BIT

Ma wee brither
Ate a wasp
When he stole
A juicy rasp.

Noo he's back in
Walter's gairden.
Stung intae
A plea fur pairdon.


FELLOW MAN


GETTING PERSONAL

'Jeez, Rab, ye nivver
Wash that simmit.
Yir hygiene's really
Past the limit.'

'Ma drawers, Jamesy,
Are something else.
They'd walk roon Govan
By theirsels.'


BLOOD BROTHER

Tammy killed his
Brither Roddy.
Cut airms an legs
Frae aff his body.

Pit them in an
Auld bin liner,
An threw it in
The Molendinar.


ENVY MANSION

Archie's rolling,
Bides in Perth.
Disnae ken whit
He is worth.

His hoose has got
A big lang drive.
Taks half an hour
Till ye arrive.


SPARE TOOL

See yon daft warder
Doon the jile.
The wan that smuggled.
Oot a file?

Noo he's gone an
Got the sack.
Fur aw the prisoners
Need it back.


A POKE OF PEACE

Dylan Broon
Wis wance a hippy.
Noo he runs the
Local chippy.

Ye can tell
Afore ye pass
That what ye smell
Is frying grass.


ISLAND CLAN

Ma pal Angus
Wears the kilt;
The tartan looks
Like puke's been spilt.

He jist laughs -
'Tak tent, big man:
This came cheap
From yon Taiwan'.


FIZZY WATER OF LIFE

Jock boastit he wid
Nick some booze.
The polis watched which
Truck he'd choose.

Then chased ten tons
O Irn-Bru
Wi flashing lights
An siren too.


WITH APOLOGIES

A bridie fur me,
A bridie fur me.
If it's no a bridie,
Ah'll no eat ma tea.

A meat pie is braw,
A sausage an aw,
But a tasty wee bridie's
The best o them aw.


UM CONN-ER-Y

'Arise Sir Sean, you're
Now a knight'.
'Um, hell,' says Donald,
'That's, er, not right.

The Nats will put you
On, um, parade.
And leave New Labour
In, er, the shade.'


NEXT GENERATION


POCKET PACKET

The toffee wrapper
Aye cam loose.
Ye had tae pick aff
Aw the oose.

In the school the
Toffee meltit.
Sook it there an
Ye got beltit.


MOTHER'S PRIDE

Ma fower weans
Is at the skweel.
The headie says
They're daeing weel.

John's great at stealin,
Bill at leein.
Anne clypes the best
An Jean's aye peein.


COLD COMFORT

Yon wee Sandy,
At Number Twa,
Killed hissel
Frae eating snaw.

Noo, if he had been
A polar bear,
He wud still be
Biding there.


BURSTING

Wee Josie say
Wi legs ticht crosst.
His anguish caused
By winter frost.

The seat was dry but
He wid spoil it
If teacher kept him
Frae the toilet.


PAINFUL

When Ah saw Mrs
Menzies' weans,
Brekking aw the
Windae panes,

Ah loupt up frae
Ma chair an yellt,
'See an wait
Till Ah get ma belt.'


UNSOUND

Ryan's jist a
Skivin waster.
His ghetto blaster
Cracks the plaister.

His faither yells
'Aw gies a brek.
Ye'll mak this hoose
A nervous wreck.'


LAW 'N' DRY

Big Jocky's legs
Went holus-bolus.
When he wis running
Frae the polis.

They nabbed him sclimmin
Oot the Clyde.
'Ye'll warm up, son,
When ye're inside.'


FANTASTIC

Wee Lizzie hid her
Scraps an stickers
Oot o sicht inside
Her knickers.

She tried tae swop them
Wi her chum
But foon they'd aw stuck
Tae her bum.


SWEET NOTHINGS

Jimmy's language
Fouls the gutter.
His mither says it
Cuts nae butter.

Says he'll nivver
Pull the burds
If he's aye using
Sweery words.


WIDER WORLD


NEWS ITEM

Auld Embra's got
Its Parlyment.
Ah ken 'cause me
An Charlie went.

Will Nats an Tories,
In cahoots,
Ding doon big Donald?
Ah hae ma doots.


RUBBISH

Last nicht the gale
Played fast an loose.
It blew oor wheelie
Ben the hoose.

It slaistered clart
Aw ower the flair
An blew the stour
Richt up the stair.


COMIC TURN

Tod's lassie aye
Taks aw her Beanos
Fur lads she meets in
Torremolinos.

Ah wonder if she'll
Climb the Andes,
Tae dae a swop
Wi local Dandies.


TALK OF LOYALTY

We go wur hollies
Doon the Watter.
We only dae it
Fur the patter.

It's no that Millport's
Lost its charm
It's jist it's no
That unco warm.


GO EAST YOUNG MAN

Mick took Tina
Fur a drive.
Aw the wey
Tae Moniaive.

'It's no exactly
Fu o life.
We'd done better
Gawn tae Fife.'


WRONG NOTE

Music hath charms
Ma teacher said.
But no the kind
That he aye played.

See that composer
Cried Tchaikovsky?
Three bars frae him
An that's me offski.


DILEMMA

The wind has blew,
The rain has fell.
Life in Paisley's
Soaking hell.

We'd gang tae Spain
Jist like a shot.
But then we'd moan
It's far too hot.


WELL REPRESENTED

Noo we've got
An MSP
Things are fine
In Polmadie.

We've also got
An MP tae.
Whit the hell dae
They aw dae?


DOUBLE OR QUITS

Pauline Grey's
Expectin twins.
They've got nae faither
Fur her sins.

A single mum has
Lots o trouble.
She'll be aw richt,
She'll be a double!


PAN-LOAF GRAFFITI

Gang slogans were
A warning tide.
Even doon in
Morningside.

Beside the Store they
Dared tae say:
'Mental Scrotum
Rules OK'.


GREAT DIVIDE

In Glesca, chips frae
Ony shop
Hae vinegar an
Saut oan top.

In Embra, nae wan
Gies a toss
When chips are droont
In saut 'n sauce.


COLOUR PREJUDICE

Gawn tae Ibrox
Has is dangers
If ye dinnae
Follow Rangers.

Ah have tae say
The same is true,
Gawn tae Parkheid
Dressed in blue.


THE FAMILY


HAMMERED

My wee brother
Went tae jail;
Aw he pinched
Was yin big nail.

In the court
He heard the judge
Say 'This'll fix you -
You'll no budge'.


JOURNEY INTO SPACE

Ma granny's name
Is Mary Jane.
She's nivver flew
'N an airy plane.

'There's no a road
Sign in the sky.
So hoo's the pilot
Ken the wey?'


MENTIONABLES

Ah've a sister
She's cried Jeannie,
Keeps her knickers
In her peenie.

'Saves the washing,
An it's handy
When the meenister
Gets ower randy.'


FOOTSORE

Ma ither sister
She's cried Nelly
She got seek frae
A hole 'n her welly.

'Awww' she greeted,
'Ma pair belly;
An whit is mair
Ma buit's aw smelly.'


EXECRABLE

Ma big brither
He's cried Wattie.
Ah think's he's
Jist ower snottie.

Saw me winchin
Wi ma burd.
Said he'd seen a
Bonnier turd.


SWEETNESS

Ma mither's kind tae
Aw her lodgers.
She used tae feed them
Jammy Dodgers.

But noo she thinks
Their health is safer
If aw they get's a
Tunnock wafer.


RACISM

Ah've a cousin
He's cried Jack.
Spends his days
At the duggie track.

Wance he bet on
'Fair o Face'
But it cocked its leg
An lost the race.


ANTICLIMAX

Ah've an auntie
Lives oan Skye,
Gangs aboot
In a shirt an tie.

Her legs is hairy
An she wears a beard.
Ah think ma Auntie's
A wee bit wierd.


LOST HIS BITE

Ma grandad's teeth
Fell doon the pan.
An so he shouted
Oan ma nan.

'Aw Christ' he said,
'They're fu o shite,
Ah think Ah've lost
Ma appetite.'


GAUDEAMUS

Ma paw's a scaffy
Wi a BSC.
Brush, shovel an cairt
Fur aw tae see.

When he sweeps past
St Andrews younie
He always wears
A wee red gounie.


JUST THE TICKET

Ma auld granny
Maks a fuss
Every time she
Taks the bus.

She tells the driver,
'It's jist no fair
Tae pey sae much
Frae here tae there'.


ROUGH ROAD

Ah've an uncle
He's cried Sam.
Used tae drive
A shoogly tram.

He lost his job
Fur gawn oan strike.
Noo he rides
A shoogly bike.


IN THE MOUTH

Ma ither uncle
Lives in Leith.
Aw he's got is
Three front teeth.

He cannae bite,
He cannae chew;
Aw he eats is
Tattie stew.


HEN RUN

See oor Ella?
She's some mover,
Speshly when she
Shoves her Hoover.

She fair wiggles
Her bahookie,
As if she's still
A teenage chukie.


HORSEY FOLK

Ma posh cousin
Bides in Fife.
Cut her accent
Wi a knife.

She rides her cuddy
Oot near Cupar.
I think it must be
Jolly super!


OUTLOOK BLEAK

Ma auld auntie
She's cried Phemie;
Named her hoose
The Milngavie Steamie.

Aw her neebors
Come tae blether,
An talk aboot
The bloody weather.


ON THE DOLL

Ma sister Beth
Wears sexy panties;
Says she got them
At her auntie's.

But we aw ken
That that's no true.
She used her dole
Frae aff the B'roo.


HOUSE HUSBAND

The sun's come oot,
The world is happy.
Ah've even changed
The bairnie's nappy.

Oh life is joyfu.
Perfect, smashin.
Except Ah've got tae
Dae the washin.


FRAILTIES OF THE FLESH


A CUP OF LOVE

There's a lassie,
She's cried Ina;
Says she'd like
Tae be ma china.

That's jist daft,
I tried tae tell her;
A china has
Tae be a fella.


LIE-DE-LOW

Ma freen frae Ayr
Is no heid bummer
O twenty reidcoats
In the summer.

A lass frae Skinflats
Got ower pally.
An dragged him in
Tae her wee chalet.


CANDLEPOWER

Ellen Bogle
Lives oan oor stair;
She's seiven bairns
Or maybe mair.

There's no a man
That's been in sicht
Perhaps the weans
Are drawn by licht.


BOTHWELL STREET

Mandy Nelson's
Oan the game.
Her sister Jacquie's
Jist the same.

Every nicht they
Tak their places,
Shilpit weans wi
Peaky faces.


TRANSPORT OF JOY

'Rab loves Suzi,
She's a belter.'
So it says on
Oor bus shelter.

When Rab's bus came,
He leapt aboard.
Tellt the driver,
'Ma team just scored!'


WRONG RITES

Faither Brendan
Sees a lass,
Every Sunday
Efter mass.

Her een are crossed,
Her legs are bandy.
That disnae stap
The houghmagandie.


INNER DARKNESS

Faither Finbar's
Jist the same,
Except his burd
Is some auld dame.

Oan his knees he
Prays tae Jesus.
'Ah hope tae God
That nae wan sees us.'


BARE FACTS

Melanie
Bides doon the street.
Likes tae gie
Her man a treat.

It's no so much
That she is flighty.
But you should see
Her see-through nightie!


BOY'S OWN

Yon Nathan Watt
Bides up oor stair.
His body's like
A maiden's prayer.

But then we heard
The awfy truth.
He's shacking up wi
Walter Booth.


THE ART OF TRYING


QUICK ON THE DRAW

Bud Neill invented
Lobey Dosser.
Rank Bajin too, the
Evil tosser.

The cartoon men
Were aw agreed.
'The man's immortal.
Shame he's deid.'


WASH OUT

When Trina's taps
Went oan the blink,
The plumber went
An broke the sink.

'Oh Holy mither,
Help ma boab.
This man's a barmpot
At his job.'


TATTIE JAIKET

See that neep-heid,
Bides next door?
Cuts his gress
Wi a motor mower.

He got sweetin an
Drapt his jaiket.
Mowed aff the buttons,
He's that glaikit.


DAE IT YIRSEL

Joe the penter
Kens his trade.
Lays the pent on
Wi a spade.

Hings the paper
Tapsalteerie.
Says it keeps him
Feelin cheery.


SLOPE OFF

Tracey's skis
Got in a fankle.
She went an broke
Her bloody ankle.

Noo her leg's aw
Wrapt in plaster.
Skiing's just a
Big disaster.


PISTE OFF

Tracey's Wayne
Went skiing tae.
Thocht he kent
Jist whit tae dae.

He didnae ken
He wis a rookie.
Noo his airm is
Stuck in stookie.


BARRED

Shakespeare's plays
Are gey historic,
Wi funny fowk
Like Lear an Yorick.

But nane o us
Is that euphoric.
Fur Wullie couldna
Scrieve the Doric.


HIGH LIFE

Dick an Jen are
In a trap
Wi jobs in commerce
At the tap.

Forbye the stresses
An the strains
O livin oot in
Davy Mains.


FLESH POT

Bert the butcher
Cannae be beat
Fur the wey
He keeps his meat.

He's getting auld but
His wife is young.
Says she likes
Her man well hung.


LIQUID WORDS

Jack Barr's a writer;
Says his muse
Arrives when he
Is oan the booze.

Ah think his work
Is pure atrocious.
But Ah'll no read it
Unless Ah'm stotious.


HIGH NOTE

Wendy Wilson's
In the choir.
Got a voice like
Red hot fire.

But she's sae feart
Aboot her singin'
Her oxters end up
Really mingin.


NOT LIKE SOME

Yon Nigel thinks
He's quite a poet.
Aw Ah can say
He disnae show it.

He cannae rhyme,
His words is lang.
An nearly aw his
Spellin's wrang.


CLEAN AWAY

Big Hector's got
A lot o brains.
It's jist a waste
Fur clearing drains.

But Hector says 'wan
Day, Ah'm sure,
Ah'll be the boss
O every sewer.'


FRENCH LEAVE

Esme learnt tae
Dance at Molly's.
Noo she's gone tae
Join the Folies.

She puts sequins
Oan her tits.
Kicks her legs an
Does the splits.


SIGH OF RELIEF

There's room doon here
Fur wan mair pome,
Tae mak fu use o
This wee tome

Ach, nivver heed,
Ah'm awa tae ma bed.
Ah'll hae tae leave a
Space instead.


RAVE REVIEW

See this wee book -
It's fu o pap,
Tosh an drivel;
It's maistly crap.

Ah think that Wullie
Shouldnae write
When aw he does
Is peddle shite.

Information about Document 29

Awfy thochts: The closemouth jottings of Wullie MacKersall